Step daughters 18th meal

[Bitterfromthesweet]

My husband spilt from his ex 10 years ago. They have a daughter together. I have been with my husband for 9 years.
She is coming up to her 18th birthday and my husband’s ex suggested the two of them take their daughter out for dinner as they have “raised her to 18”

I didn’t see a problem with the meal but this comment has annoyed me, as I have also been in her life for 9 years. I took her out when she wanted to go when she was younger, picked her up from school, gave her all her meals, tidied her room, done her washing etc.

This has made me feel like a free nanny for 9 years.
Maybe I’m over reacting. I don’t want to go to the meal, it would be weird, but an invite would have been nice.

Thanks for all the messages, you have made me see that it’s just a meal out and it has been up to me to say no to all the free housework childminding I’ve done over the years.

It’s the SD you don’t get along with? Then why on earth would you be going to this meal?

Yes a very odd turn of phrase.

Yep, kids should just stfu and pretend they feel something they don't in order to make it convenient for the adults who had agency and made all the choices for them. Certainly they can't be allowed to show any distress at the situation!

I'm sympathetic with OP in this situation too, as it sounds exploitative, but that's coming from DH.

No its her parents putting her 1st on her 18th birthday as they should not you or your wants.
Honestly op I'm beginning to understand why she doesn't like you

Your father was abusive and your step mum let him be abusive. When did society change? When we woke up that women and children were people with feelings and children would act out their feelings. It stopped being all about what men wanted. We started to recognise that children didn't just 'adapt', that they could be emotionally harmed by divorce and it is unreasonable to just expect them to accept a step parent. We also expected men to be able to parent and not hand everything over to a Step Mum. The OP and her DH should have addressed and talked about what the SDD was feeling and the OP back off. But then very often it means the DH has to actually do the parenting. No child would be hit because they aren't shutting up and putting up.
The OP and the Mum's partner isn't wanted there by the people who have the right to go out to celebrate a milestone birthday.

You are not her “non biological” parent, you’re not her parent, you’re her father’s partner.

So you want to spoil her special birthday celebration by going even though it seems highly likely she would prefer you didn’t?

It's not her fault her mother made a silly remark. I think it’s wrong to try to make this about you when it’s an occasion where the focus is rightly on your DSD. It’s great that you have done all that for her but she spent her crucial early childhood with her natural parents and I think it's rather nice that the three of them should get together to celebrate her eighteenth.

Hi OP. I think this is a case of a husband problem, not a step daughter problem? As he’s framed the meal in a way that’s dismissive of your contribution, and he’s not really recognising the full effect of the unpaid labour you’ve done to support him in raising his daughter.

Step families are so complex - I think it sounds like you’ve been a lovely stepmum and I’m sorry for you that this is how things have played out.

Who asked you to do the housework & childminding? DH? So maybe the appropriate thing would be for him to take you out to say thank you for helping him raise his child.

doing your husband's job for him.

Absolutely this.

they have “raised her to 18” - what exactly has he done to raise her if you’ve fed her, picked her up from school, tidied her room
etc? Have you asked him?

The reason a lot of men with kids seek out other women after a break up isn’t just for sex - it’s to avoid the ballache of the jobs you described which they’d have to do if they wanted to pay less CM by having them over to stay. It’s that or they plan their visits at their parents house so their mums do it. Utter arseholes.

If you read the post she was answering, all will become clear.

I have to say I'm genuinely shocked at these replies
I don't usually go on step parents threads ,as it brings back to many bad memories.
But shocked in good way ..
As an adult once I had my freedom..I voted with my feet and cut my step parents out of my life and allowed my relationship with my parents to fizzle out .
It's actually good to see so many responses in support of the daughter.
I didn't connect her behaviour with being unhappy..
I'm glad things have changed for the better

What has the daughter said about it? Personally I couldn't imagine anything more awkward at 18 but my fam is and always has been completely dysfunctional! 🤣🤣🤣

Would it be beyond you to actually all attend her birthday meal? In years to come you’ve got possible weddings and grandchildren to deal with. Now’s the time to be civil.

Can you have a think about why you reacted this way?

This girl doesn’t like you - doesn’t enjoy spending time with you. Is having a birthday dinner with her mum and dad and you want to go.

Why?

Seemingly because you think you deserve it. Not because if would make the birthday girl happy.

that is a very transactional thing at to look at a relationship. What would you want to go to a birthday dinner if you know your presence would make the birthday girl unhappy?

I think it’s the comment that’s annoying. What do you think your sd would like?

It’s not the shock of the century that your step daughter’s mother doesn’t want to sing your praises for your part in her daughter’s life. The important factor is that your husband recognises what you’ve done and vocalises that.

Read it all. So you dont have a great relationship. That’s more the reason op. Bur do talk to dh about how you feel.

But you don’t want to go so why create an issue?

It is a nice gesture for her 2 parents to take her out for her 18th. For her to have the full attention of them both. Nothing wrong with that at all.

They're not biological parents, they are parents.

Why don't you suggest also doing something for her birthday @Bitterfromthesweet ?

I think it’s quite nice tbh. I’ve got a friend who has literally not seen her dad without his new wife since she was a kid in primary school. I say “new wife” but he’s been with her decades longer than he was with #1. Sometimes it’s just nice to be with what was your original nuclear family and sometimes it’s nice to be a bigger party. It’s more than a bit rude to expect someone to fetch an carry for your kid from 9 to adulthood and not even acknowledge it or thank them

For God's sake let the girl have a meal with her parents.

She was a child when they broke up. Not her choice. She wanted her parents together.

I realise you're hurt after all your efforts but you're not her mother. She felt loyalty to her mother so she wouldn't have been happy about any woman getting together with her father. Have some empathy and let the parents and their daughter get on with it.

Worth stressing this isn't specific to DSDs feelings about OP either, since her stepdad is also not invited.

Maybe someone should ask your stepdaughter what she wants, given it’s her 18th?