Step daughters 18th meal

[Bitterfromthesweet]

My husband spilt from his ex 10 years ago. They have a daughter together. I have been with my husband for 9 years.
She is coming up to her 18th birthday and my husband’s ex suggested the two of them take their daughter out for dinner as they have “raised her to 18”

I didn’t see a problem with the meal but this comment has annoyed me, as I have also been in her life for 9 years. I took her out when she wanted to go when she was younger, picked her up from school, gave her all her meals, tidied her room, done her washing etc.

This has made me feel like a free nanny for 9 years.
Maybe I’m over reacting. I don’t want to go to the meal, it would be weird, but an invite would have been nice.

Well if she didn’t meet the sd’s needs, she definitely did a hell of a lot to try. She helped with homework and made sure she was fed and had a clean room and clean clothes. She took her out to places she wanted to go to. She was there at the beginning and the end of the school day. It does sound like a decent amount of time spent together.

Could have been two days a week - could have been one Friday a month. We have no idea.

but this girl doesn’t consider her a parent- and rejected every effort. That girls has become an adult - it’s not fair to continue to force her into a relationship she didn’t choose.

You are equally as coloured by your experience as a step mother as a birth mother would be by hers.

When you say you wouldn’t be comfortable with your husband attending I’d you didn’t get along with his ex, why do you feel entitled to express that? It’s not about you, it has nothing to do with your relationship at all. He’s not meeting his ex to gaze into her eyes they are doing it as co-parents of their child. It’s about the child. It should always be about the child.

The child in this case doesn’t like the OP. Even if she did she is entitled to a celebration of her milestone with her parents.

It's her 18th, regardless of who's organising or arsed.

It's not about you or what you've done or haven't done. It's about someone's important milestone birthday.

You come across as needy and quite self centred. You've managed to make this entirely about you, your feeling, and how you would like an invite. Different if you'd had a positive, loving, familial relationship but you don't.

For me its healthy for a wife to speak to her husband about her feelings, whether or not those feelings are convenient for others. It is up to the op how they feel and how they want to proceed with their own husband in any case.

If you enter a relationship with a man who has a child you should be grown up enough to support him in putting his child first. It’s the right thing to do.

I wasn’t the OW they had split up 6 months before. My husband obviously wanted a maid and childminder to fill that void, and being the mug I have done that for 9 years. I’ve never thought about it until this milestone when I’ve been left out of a celebration of them “parenting” for 18 years.
Without realising it, I facilitated that parenting by doing the hard, unthankful tasks so my DH spent more time doing the parenting that people see; taking her to football matches etc.
It’s not really about my SD I realise, this meal is nice for her to go to, I’ve realised how much I feel unappreciated which is a DH issue.

I won’t speak to my DH about this. It comes across as “me me me” on an occasion that’s not about me…but as a previous poster said; I will let the dust settle and bring up my feelings of being undervalued for the tasks no one sees but are vital for a family to function.

You sound quite bitter and resentful. Perhaps SD dislikes you because she’s picking up on your negative energy?

Probably 🫣 but I am also quite self aware and go with my gut and for some reason this doesn’t feel right.
I need to let it go now.

I think it's a good idea not to tie it to the birthday. Because it doesn't sound like the situation would be better if you were invited, or if there were no meal and she wanted to celebrate with her mates instead. Better to have the discussion after.

Out of interest, how fast did he introduce you to her? I assume when you said you'd been together 9 years and known her 9 years there was some rounding... but it does sound like he was ever so keen to get you involved asap.

Glad you have realised it's a DH issue. Don't do any more for the pair of them.

Curious why did you take SD to theatre etc? Did DH ask you to do were you trying to build a relationship with her? If the latter, why is that important to you? Did you attach a value to having that relationship and you are hurt by SD lack of interest?

Its strikes me that the way you speak about SD is a little harsh as she is after all a teenager and they are not generally known for their stable moods & great social skills.

I think your approach is sensible to not tie it to the meal. I do think DH needs to hear your feelings about the amount you put in that yorj feel hasn’t been acknowledged.

I think most of us would be bitter to find that we had slowly drifted into doing the hard work of parenting for a man who could then tell the world what a great dad he is. It could happen to the best of us.

Not just disputing that - just suggesting that if that’s how she’s feeling which is her right to feel that’s possibly why she’s getting bad vibes back from the SD

It is though- they’re ’celebrating’ 18 years of co parenting their daughter!

How sad for the children. I'd be ashamed of my husband if he abandoned his children like that.

I think you're right to be annoyed OP, but seems SD is caught in-between. As she treats you the same as everyone else, I'd actually continue to show her love but without forcing it on her or expecting anything back other than respect.

As PP said, she'll realise when she's older how lucky she is to have you in her life.
The dinner is a milestone but they'll be more to come like graduations and weddings etc, don't try to be her mum but celebrate in your own way at home. Something low-key.

I think she only started feeling that since reflecting on not being invited to the dinner. It's one of those light bulb moments.

And when she's older she might be able to take actions that are free of her mother's judgement. I would bet money that her mother gives out little signals that she doesn't like her daughter getting too close with op. Kids are incredibly loyal to their mothers.

I might have missed it but what has been the living arrangements for SD these last nine years?

Leave it! Let them go out just the three of them.
There’s no reason why you shouldn’t be involved in a separate celebration if you wish but let them have that precious time together.

In other words the two days a week / one Friday a month her parents should have been doing it. If I was that kid’s mum I’d be grateful someone gave up a Friday a month to help me and my ex with our child for however many years when they didn’t have to.
That’s a Friday a month where a stepmum makes life easier for the child even if the child doesn’t see it that way. That’s a Friday a month where the parents’ lives are made easier by the stepmum being there.

It’s amazing how when the child is a school aged child, the stepmum’s input is massively
demanded because apparently without it the child will suffer for eternity (Manipulative behaviour from parents and their cheerleaders). Stepmums are even held to higher standards than parents eg they should pick the sick child up from school but parents always seem to be stuck at work 🤔.
Then when the child is older, the input and help over the years is just minimised. “You helped with homework and washing? So what?” Funny how it was so crucial back when she did it.

Oh, the joys of family life according to Mumsnet.

Also it’s not OP’s fault this girl has had a relationship with her more than what she wanted. It’s the parents’ fault. They think they’re doing the right thing for her with this meal and pushing the parents only thing, but they clearly didn’t see the importance of that in day to day life and probably selfishly wanted to use Op for their own benefit.