Step daughters 18th meal

[Bitterfromthesweet]

My husband spilt from his ex 10 years ago. They have a daughter together. I have been with my husband for 9 years.
She is coming up to her 18th birthday and my husband’s ex suggested the two of them take their daughter out for dinner as they have “raised her to 18”

I didn’t see a problem with the meal but this comment has annoyed me, as I have also been in her life for 9 years. I took her out when she wanted to go when she was younger, picked her up from school, gave her all her meals, tidied her room, done her washing etc.

This has made me feel like a free nanny for 9 years.
Maybe I’m over reacting. I don’t want to go to the meal, it would be weird, but an invite would have been nice.

You live and learn by these things. It's perfectly natural for the biological parents to take their child out for a special birthday meal but I do get where you are coming from @Bitterfromthesweetbecause I have been there too. So much crap on here against your husband . Of course you helped her out when she stayed with you - for the people criticising OP's husband what was OP expected to do or say " oh she is your daughter so prepare her meal while I get ours?" " oh she is your daughter so can you run the washing machine with her clothes only?" . Get real, people. That's a REALLY great way to create a lovely home. Some youngsters hold onto resentment against step parents and it is usually girls more than boys. It will continue with things like graduations etc. Honestly enjoy the peace and quiet and don't get involved in the drama. As I say live and learn for the future.

Anything she wanted money, emotion, love I wanted to give her but she wouldn’t accept it. That’s a whole new thread but I feel over looked with the two parents going out for a meal with her

of course, it sounds like you did what you could but sometimes things just don’t gel. No-one’s fault. By your timeline you and her her dad were together very soon after her parents split up so I can see why she might have felt a bit disloyal. She’s still young, in time she might feel differently. But for now, I wouldn’t take it personally, you’ve done all you can. Take yourself out with a friend that day and do something nice too.

Maybe step daughter requested you & her step dad didn't attend?

How does your husband feel about it?

It’s the parents organising this. Step daughter isn’t bothered.

Seem to think this is all normal and ok.
I can’t really say “oh can I come” would be a bit embarrassing to invite myself. An invite would have been nice.

You said you don my get along with her so I it would make sense you weren’t invited?

Yes but you haven't been so choose the route which is the least drama for yourself. It's one evening. I'm sure your husband won't be that keen to spend much time in the company of his ex but this is about his daughter. He will know how you feel I'm sure.

So you and she don’t really have the kind of relationship where you would be invited to her birthday meal, and you’re used to that, you’ve tried but have accepted your place in her life. You accept you going would be awkward too and yet you’re still pissed off?

I don’t reckon this is about the stepdaughter. I reckon you don’t want your husband going to dinner with his ex.

Don't let your man hating get in the way of facts

OP and DSD don't get on, she's fine with the ex

It was a clumsy way of him saying "we want a biological family meal" - which is fine for them to have

Then you and DH take DSD out yourselves. Not that it sounds like she'll want that because she doesn't like you apparently

OP you sound completely fed up. I think this is more to do with your husband expecting you to do the parenting for him over the years and the lack of appreciation for that combined with the disappointment and sadness that you don’t have the close relationship with your dsd that you hoped for.
How is your relationship with your husband? How do you envision your life now dsd is an adult?

Because it’s not their invitation to give, it’s your SD birthday a special one in fact and if she just wants it to be her parents then that’s her prerogative

Both my parents have partners and have done for decades but there have still been times over the years when it’s just been me, my parents and my sister going out to mark a life milestone and that’s because it’s what me and/or my sister wanted

I agree with you; everyone could ideally go out together, with partners involved. She is a grown young woman now and sees that Mum and Dad both have partners. She will also find it weird if he and her mum go together, leaving partners at home.

As both parties are now with new partners, there should not be any animosity and it should be workable to all celebrate together.

But in the absence of that (as this clearly won't happen, since most exes just won't consider this) then in your position, I'd make plans to also take her out, just you and your husband together. And it is an opportunity to tell her that you have been happy and proud to help her for nine years.

.

Because you said you don't get along with her

When I first got with my partner, I was reading up some stuff generally on being a good step parent figure and just getting some perspectives before I entered this (incredible) kids life. And I read "that step parenting is often a thankless task" not in a negative sense, but in a supporting role sense and it really stuck with me. My job as this caring adult in her life is to give her dad space and support do his job as her parent without adding friction to the best of his ability. I won't get all the recognition and the weekend lay ins, but I get to love her and that's enough for me.

And if you feel like "a free Nanny" for 9 years that surely has to do with your DH?

Because you don’t get on?

She doesn't like you
But you want your husband to realise your sacrifice and contribution?
Or are you annoyed that they are playing happy families when they are divorced?
Are you jealous and worried that they are alone together?
I wouldn't worry, ur step daughter is now an adult
Just make sure you don't do stuff for her anymore just to win her dad's love, she's told you time and time again to go away.
You really should've listened, it was never your job to do anything for her and yes as a step parent you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Unfortunately you put a lot of effort into taking care of this young lady and have discovered how little it has been valued by your husband and his daughter, a common problem that women need learn about before becoming a step parent.

I’m afraid that I agree with @TomatoSandwiches, you’ve been taken for granted and now it’s becoming obvious. Tbh, it’s a DH problem, because he hasn’t modeled being appreciative of what your parents and step-parents do for you.

Although that might change when your DSD leaves home. My DD (20) says that going to uni made her appreciate us more.

It will soon be over, it's only a meal.

The girl is eighteen and will no longer need you to offer to do things for her. Who knows, she may actually get to like you as an individual as she matures, it's always difficult with a parent's new partner.

You'll move on from this, it will soon be forgotten.

You and your step daughter havent got a good relationship so why would she want you there and why would you want to be there
So weird

My ex’s parents split when he was a young teen. They both took him (and me) out for a meal to celebrate a special occasion and he really appreciated them both being there without their partners and without tension and drama.

This is about your step daughter and the fact it’ll be something nice and special for her. It’s not about you.