Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

[Borae]

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

You will get plenty of people jumping in to say leaving little notes is ridiculous and that he probably shows love in other ways.

We might all show love in different ways, but if you love someone, if they told you they dont feel loved, and you essentially say 'but I do xxx to show my love, thats how I do it, i dont want to change what i do so just deal with it' then you clearly dont actually give a fuck if they feel loved or not.
Some people cant see that they need to meet halfway, and see it as a 'your way vs my way' thing. Compromise is possible.

Did husband agree he wanted to start leaving notes etc specifically? Has he talked about how he feels he shows love?

Why are you 'appreciating' him with things that are important to you at midnight? Maybe appreciate the fact that he doesn't wake you up?

Or forget the small attempts at connection and greet him by swinging naked from the chandelier when he gets in?

Sorry but you sound either very young or very needy, or possibly both.

He’s not thinking about you that’s why he doesn’t text. Selfish men don’t change

He could write a note to show he’s bloody grateful, for a start. In my experience, when people say they have ‘no time’ and don’t acknowledge what you do for them, it usually means they can’t be bothered and don’t care too much.

It doesn’t sound like much of a relationship with him working all hours and seemingly not engaging.

Sorry. I hope things get better (with or without him) x

Him not acting is a response.

It may not be deliberate- perhaps this is just the way he is.

Something for you to sit with and consider as you explore next steps. Maybe you aren’t as compatible as you thought when you got married?

Just think about what you need/want from him as a husband.Do you feel needed,loved,desired, cared for?
Try to work it out for a bit longer,with the therapist and if he doesn't change towards you, then you may have to consider that you do not have the marriage you need and expected with him.
I hope he can begin to show you that he loves you still.

I said “look, I don’t expect you to leave notes. But I need the equivalent from you”. A text. Anything.

It doesn’t need to be soppy. Last week I had a biscuit on my commute that was out of this world. I went back the next day to buy one for dh so he could try it. Just something. I have such low standards at this point and I’m still disappointed. I can’t believe how little I expect from him.

It might be worth exploring with the therapist what your respective love languages are as these can be very different. You leave him notes but those might not resonate with him if his love language is for example physical affection so there’s a mismatch.

The first step is understanding each other and recognising a loving gesture in their language. Being able to reciprocate in the other person’s love language is comes quite a bit further down the line

www.blinkist.com/magazine/posts/how-to-speak-5-love-languages?utm_source=gsn&utm_medium=paid&utm_campaign=23202210873&utm_content=&utm_term=___m__Cj0KCQiA5uDIBhDAARIsAOxj0CFUVcZ6HwxYnVJ84uaT0zH8EN11f1A7XuqY4qnjQJWVd1D6mNwVYgQaAlA9EALw_wcB&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=23211638815&gbraid=0AAAAADSZRikn0tdRq9bzN-EhkYt3pVIRN&gclid=Cj0KCQiA5uDIBhDAARIsAOxj0CFUVcZ6HwxYnVJ84uaT0zH8EN11f1A7XuqY4qnjQJWVd1D6mNwVYgQaAlA9EALw_wcB

Why should he be expected to show he is thinking about you during his work day? If he has a busy and demanding job, he may well not give you a second thought during the day, and that is fine. I have a busy job and don't think about my husband during the day, although I love him very much.

If you do manage to pressure him into sending texts during the day saying how much he wuvs you, it will be pointless and artificial anyway.

He should be affectionate at the times you are together outside of work hours of course, but that's a different matter.

Is he the PM or President of a country? Because I’m sure even they have time to speak to their partner once a day. Does he eat lunch? Can he not send a text at that point?

What does he feel about how he shows you appreciation? What does he do that he thinks shows his appreciation. Does he want biscuits and heart shaped Mugs?

Everyone has different love languages - what’s his?

How is he when you are together? I get that it feels like you’re being forgotten about as soon as he’s not with you. I’ve been in relationships like that where it feels like out of sight out of mind and it is hurtful. I’ve realised though that some people are just wired that way and will effectively compartmentalise their life - work is work, home is home. Doesn’t mean they don’t love you, it’s just more that they can only concentrate on one thing at once! So it really depends on how he treats you the rest of the time, how considered and loved you feel and whether that’s enough for you.

Was he romantic when you met?

Notes aren’t the be all and end all for me. It’s just a way to connect even though physically we are quite separate during the working week.

He will often come home when I am asleep. And most days I leave when he’s sleeping as I have to commute further. I will bring him up a coffee or buy him things for him to have a nice, quick brekkie (ie crumpets and posh jam).

Did he use to do this stuff and has stopped? What’s changed?

Yeah this isn't going to get any better.
It takes 2 to make a relationship work, and both of you need to be the one giving 60%.
You've tried, he just isn't bothered.

Leave. Don't waste anymore young years on trying to get him to love you.

This sounds shit, OP. But he’ll only change if he’s motivated to, and it doesn’t sound like he is.

(Or maybe he’s pissed off about having to drink out of a heart-shaped mug which sounds very prone to spillage!)

Jokes aside, it sounds like there is a profound incompatibility here - and I wonder if your therapist might work with you to understand what drew you to someone emotionally reticent, who would clearly be unavailable most of the time due to work, when romance and thoughtfulness and togetherness are important to you. This could be a really helpful exploration.

I’d be okay with petrol shop flowers. But he’s not even bothered to do that.

This. Does he show love in other ways?

I think the therapist needs to explore with you both the ways and things he does which he thinks shows his love and care, have him voice those and you hear them, and then work from there, rather than setting him “homework” and essentially making texting you from work just another chore on his list rather than an actual gesture of love. Are you really going to feel happy about receiving a daily text message which he’s set up an alert in his calendar for to remind him to get the job done?

I don’t expect these huge romantic gestures but just small ways to show he cares.

By the sounds of things this guy's on work-eat -sleep-repeat. If he gets home at midnight when the rest of the household is asleep as they work regular office hours when do you propose that he does that.

OP, are you able to work different hours?

His job sounds tough and hours too long. My career has never been like that. Having said that, I have no time or inclination to think about my wife during the work day, whilst busy with work stuff.

I think the bottom line is that you’re not happy, you’re not getting what you need out of this relationship. He knows this and has done nothing to try to remedy things.
Im sorry, but he doesn’t love you enough to care about your daily needs.
You e done counselling, he’s not listening because he doesn’t actually care.
I’d be done. I’m sorry.