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Original poster

Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

712 replies

Borae · 15/11/2025 12:19

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

OP posts:
VoltaireMittyDream · 15/11/2025 13:32

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

This is what I never understand. When people say, essentially, I don’t care if it’s coerced and comes from a place of grim and loveless duty, as long as you do what I want. I can’t see how that’s a route to emotional intimacy.

(not sure that’s what the OP is saying or asking for though - but she is being led up the garden path a bit by a therapist who seems to think that if her DH can be forced to send perfunctory lunchtime texts some kind of emotional connection will develop as a result, rather than a sense of miserable entrapped resentment.

Anyahyacinth · 15/11/2025 13:33

JudgeJ · 15/11/2025 13:17

Therefore all the millions of men who went to work and then came home, unable to message their wife during the working day, were selfish? If I had received a text from my husband during the working day I would have assumed before opening it that there was something seriously wrong, a death, a house fire etc.. Why are women so clingy that they expect these constant messages, just because that facility exists?

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Because its common decency if you are 'working' until midnight

ilovesooty · 15/11/2025 13:33

VoltaireMittyDream · 15/11/2025 13:32

This is what I never understand. When people say, essentially, I don’t care if it’s coerced and comes from a place of grim and loveless duty, as long as you do what I want. I can’t see how that’s a route to emotional intimacy.

(not sure that’s what the OP is saying or asking for though - but she is being led up the garden path a bit by a therapist who seems to think that if her DH can be forced to send perfunctory lunchtime texts some kind of emotional connection will develop as a result, rather than a sense of miserable entrapped resentment.

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She's already said she doesn't see why he can't "go through the motions". She still hasn't said whose idea the therapy is and whether he wants to be there.

canklesmctacotits · 15/11/2025 13:33

On the one hand, not seeing or talking to or texting or communicating with a spouse Monday-Friday might be tricky when you’re actually in the same house (not like he’s out on the rigs or deployed).

On the other hand if I were your DH your expectations and the therapist’s suggestions would actually repel me even further. I would want an independent, adult equal in my life, not someone who needs me to do this or that to feel right. That’s not my idea of marriage or partnership. I choose to be with my DH for who he is, not for how he makes me feel or whether he fulfills my needs - I can look after myself. To me, and maybe your DH is like this too, you sound needy and immature and that’s very off putting. I would see heart shaped mugs and random biscuits as….weird, if I noticed them at all!

Ultimately, you’re mismatched. He can’t give you what you need. So the question is what you’re going to do about it.

lostintranslation148 · 15/11/2025 13:34

outerspacepotato · 15/11/2025 13:30

You're having so much trouble 2 years in you're seeing a counselor.

From what you've said, your mindsets are just incompatible.

He is providing for you and caring for others and that makes for long hours.

You want romantic little gestures and for him to be 🤔 ng about you when you're not around and show that. For him, those little gestures are just more things to remember and chores to be done and he's not got the bandwidth to do it.

Is his practice health care? If so, he's not got the time or in the headspace to be sending you notes through the day. He is grinding and needs to be super focused. He has to pay attention or he might miss a small detail that's extremely significant. You come second after his work.

That said, you need more than he can give you and he's not going to change. It sounds like he's more than decent when he's present but that's not enough.

He's not 'more than decent' when he's around - he's on the laptop half the time.

Do you think he's lost interest in you OP? It's worrying that even when you do spend time together it feels awkward or contrived. I'd be concerned that he's just going through the motions. Everybody needs to feel like they are a priority to their other half and he is not making you feel like that, he's more like your protective older brother.

I'd be asking him if his feelings have changed and if not then he needs to decide what's more important, you or work.

Teathecolourofcreosote · 15/11/2025 13:34

Are you just fundamentally mismatched?

I am not a 'stuff' person. I don't get all the unnecessary frill. It's not cute to me, it just things to go in landfill and a heart shaped mug is just impractical.

My brain just doesn't work like that. I see people making bouquets out of banknotes of chocolate presented like flowers and really I think 'what's the point'.

You find posh jam a treat. He just sees jam. A thing to be eaten before work with no ceremony.

My husband knows this though and will buy me a pen knife or a torch - which I love but would have many on here complaining about terrible gifts.

You need something I'm not sure he's capable of giving. You enjoy the exercise of going into the shop, selecting something lovely, laying it out for him. He sees it as one more fucking thing to do.

I'm not really sure how him doing these things to satisfy a tick list is an improvement.

Either you start to find love in the things he does do (does this happen? Will he bring you a cup of tea, mend the watch strap you've broken etc) or you go your separate ways (and if there's absolutely nothing you can identify then maybe this is best).

You're not wrong to want this but you are wrong to expect it from someone who isn't on the same page.

Soontobe60 · 15/11/2025 13:35

If I told my DH that he doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection he’d look bemused and ask me what on earth I was talking about. If I took him a drink up in a heart shaped mug he’d ask me where his builders pint pot had gone to. On the other hand, if he was working til midnight all the time, I wouldn’t be cooking his favourite treat and leave him cutesy messages in post it notes. (Obviously if he was doing this because we desperately needed the money to keep body and soul together that would be different).
I can’t remember the last time we said we loved each other - but we have been very happily married for over 30 years, are really content to sit quietly in each other’s company and have very separate hobbies that we actively pursue.
You can’t force someone to be something they’re not.

Witsend101 · 15/11/2025 13:36

Is he choosing to work these hours or is it from necessity of building a new business / being self employed? It sounds like you have the weekends together to connect but you are dissatisfied with that as well

Buxusmortus · 15/11/2025 13:37

How long were you together before marrying OP?
In which ways did he previously make you feel loved, presumably he did or you wouldn't have married him? When did it stop?

Soontobe60 · 15/11/2025 13:37

Borae · 15/11/2025 12:46

He’s been explicitly told how to make me feel more appreciated and he’s still chosen to ignore it

This is actually very controlling.

Greggsit · 15/11/2025 13:38

Did the therapist give you any homework? Everything you've said so far paints all the problems as his fault, and his responsibility to fix. But you've also said that you've changed jobs and that you need your sleep, so you're no longer awake when he gets home. So, from an outsider's perspective, it's not all on him and how busy he is. Did he want to go to therapy? I know you said it's relationship counseling, but what you've posted is so one-sided it sounds like your therapist that you brought him along to.

Whatsappweirdo · 15/11/2025 13:38

Borae · 15/11/2025 13:17

I’m out the house from 7:30am to 6pm most days. Later if I go to the gym. I accept we are in a busy stage of life but I see no attempts from husband to alleviate the situation.

Respectfully @Borae , the REALLY ‘busy’ time will be when you’ve got children and you’re both still working…if he hasn’t got the time now, what’s he planning on when children arrive?

lostintranslation148 · 15/11/2025 13:38

Teathecolourofcreosote · 15/11/2025 13:34

Are you just fundamentally mismatched?

I am not a 'stuff' person. I don't get all the unnecessary frill. It's not cute to me, it just things to go in landfill and a heart shaped mug is just impractical.

My brain just doesn't work like that. I see people making bouquets out of banknotes of chocolate presented like flowers and really I think 'what's the point'.

You find posh jam a treat. He just sees jam. A thing to be eaten before work with no ceremony.

My husband knows this though and will buy me a pen knife or a torch - which I love but would have many on here complaining about terrible gifts.

You need something I'm not sure he's capable of giving. You enjoy the exercise of going into the shop, selecting something lovely, laying it out for him. He sees it as one more fucking thing to do.

I'm not really sure how him doing these things to satisfy a tick list is an improvement.

Either you start to find love in the things he does do (does this happen? Will he bring you a cup of tea, mend the watch strap you've broken etc) or you go your separate ways (and if there's absolutely nothing you can identify then maybe this is best).

You're not wrong to want this but you are wrong to expect it from someone who isn't on the same page.

When sending a text to your wife once a day is 'just one more thing to do' then the problem isn't the wife. I don't think the OP wants a ton of stuff, she just wants to feel seen and heard. She wants to feel like she is important to him, and one text a day really isn't too much to ask no matter what your love language is.

Existentialistic · 15/11/2025 13:38

Sorry to hear you’re having a difficult time OP. There’s sonething “off” here from what you’re describing. How is your DH at weekends? Does he make time for you and try and connect with you then? If the answer is no, then it seems as though your DH is avoiding a connection with you. Is something else (or someone else) going on in his life?

You say you want children, please be careful as you could be left literally “holding the baby” with this man. What are his thoughts about having a family? Sorry it’s not working out how you would have liked, and don’t forget you still have the option to get out. Take care.

lostintranslation148 · 15/11/2025 13:40

Soontobe60 · 15/11/2025 13:37

This is actually very controlling.

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It's not controlling to want to feel appreciated in a relationship - and if he didn't know how to do that then being told is pretty helpful.

Halfagum · 15/11/2025 13:41

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ilovesooty · 15/11/2025 13:42

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Yes, good point.

Glowingup · 15/11/2025 13:42

He doesn’t care if he loses you. He really doesn’t. Do not have children with him, split up with him and move on. It’s when rather than if in terms of you getting divorced.

cheapskatemum · 15/11/2025 13:43

Your therapist told him to “do his best to connect with you”. He can’t do more than his best. I feel the conversation you need to have is how he feels he is best able to connect with you. It’s then up to you to consider whether this will work for you in the long term or not. Do you mind about him working long hours, for example? Maybe he could come home from work earlier one night, so you can do something together. You don’t mention children. If you are planning to have any, this one thing could be a dealbreaker, as you will be doing the grunt work of childcare on your own (my DH also works long hours).

Suntots · 15/11/2025 13:45

Forget the cutesy notes. My ultimatum wouldn’t be about sending me texts from work, it would be either he sort his career to work some sensible hours that mean we see each other during the week and can fit children into our lives, or we split.

At the moment your DH sounds like he’s married to his job, and while I know some women are fine with that it doesn’t sound like you are - will the odd note or text really make up from his complete absence from your life during the week?

And as for “busy season” - if you want children, especially plural, you will only become exponentially more busy and have far far less “couple time” even working normal hours. So if you’re unhappy now, and you want kids, I’d really think about whether you want to save this marriage.

Aluna · 15/11/2025 13:45

How long were you together before marriage and what was the relationship like then?

JuvenileBigfoot · 15/11/2025 13:45

Heart shaped mug???
Sorry, but GAK.
I'd think DP had lost his mind.

Also, funny shaped mugs are really hard to keep clean.

Soontobe60 · 15/11/2025 13:45

lostintranslation148 · 15/11/2025 13:40

It's not controlling to want to feel appreciated in a relationship - and if he didn't know how to do that then being told is pretty helpful.

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My ex used to explicitly tell me how he wanted me to behave towards him so he felt appreciated. It really IS controlling.

Alovelyhotbath · 15/11/2025 13:46

I'm not surprised he hasn't done his 'homework'. Having to suddenly show affection in ways that aren't natural too him would be uncomfortable and awkward, so much so, it would fizzle out. Nobody should feel pressured to behave or conform in ways that aren't natural to them. I think yous need to look at how yous could be spending more time together rather than forcing acts of affection that are unnatural. Or you may need to accept that this is how he is and decide how you want to proceed.

VoltaireMittyDream · 15/11/2025 13:46

ilovesooty · 15/11/2025 13:33

She's already said she doesn't see why he can't "go through the motions". She still hasn't said whose idea the therapy is and whether he wants to be there.

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Fair enough. I just didn’t want to pile on the OP too much, as she’s clearly hurting, and in most circumstances it really isn’t a crazy expectation to want to be vaguely in contact with your spouse during the week.

But the issue seems to be she’s not ready to accept the fact that this relationship cannot meet her needs. And rather than face the prospect of ending things and being single at a time in life when she was hoping to be starting a family, she’s still clinging to the hope he’ll turn into a completely different person with a less demanding profession so that she can have the life she wants.