Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

[Borae]

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

He sounds utterly knackered.

YANBU for wanting to feel appreciated but maybe he doesn't appreciate the extra demands on top of his already demanding day.

We always had the view that 2026 would be a good time to welcome a baby. But we rarely bring up pregnancy/babies these days. We used to talk about our future kids quite openly but that is never a topic of discussion either of us brings up anymore.

We had planned to welcome a dog this year but that didn’t happen either. It obviously doesn’t feel right when things aren’t 100%.

I love my DP. But I'm generally not thinking about him a lot while I'm working. Not selfish, just busy.

DH and I always check in at some point during the day with a little message and a heart emoji. If that’s what OP would like from a relationship to make her feel loved, there’s two options here, really:

1. OP’s DH tries harder to meet her emotional needs
2. OP ends the relationship and ultimately finds someone else

Sounds like your marriage is not working out and it may be time to get out so you can meet someone else before it's too late to start a family.
Bringing a child into a marriage where one person is already not sure about the other's love and commitment is a recipe for ending up a lone parent.

Don’t stay in an unhappy marriage at 31. Get out. Freeze your eggs if you can afford it. Life’s too short.

https://share.google/images/cS7nLTaVOmb8A6hJR

Also an audio book. Life changing.

Poor bloke. If he is working all the hours god sends to get his business started or keep it going through hard times you need to think about him more. I read about lazy men who go out with their mates drinking or dont work.

I agree that it's controlling. And the guy's at work.

Send this text at X time. Stop on your way home at midnight and get flowers. It's a chore, not something he's choosing to do. I also think that her expectations and the therapist's homework are unreasonable., especially if he's establishing his own practice, which I'm assuming is health care related, but maybe not. Still, he's got a business to run and that's time consuming.

If I was him, I'd write some dry text like thinking of you and have it auto send daily at a certain time.

OP might be better off with someone who isn't starting and establishing his own practice and can give her all the extra froufrou she needs to feel connected.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

What, exactly, did he say when you said this in session?

I wasn’t set homework beyond being open to any gesture husband would do.

Husband expresses that he doesn’t feel as discontent as I do. He sees it very practically ie “I’m busy”. He thinks I am overthinking things. Which makes me feel worse. He sees this stage as something we just have to get through and it is what it is. The only thing he has ever brought up is my lack of initiating intimacy these days. That’s a separate matter. But I’ve said I would more likely want to engage in that if I felt like we were actually emotionally connected. Bit of a vicious circle. I’m trying to break it! But I’m getting nothing from dh

Maybe try a different tact. Stop doing this nice things for him. Maybe (and nothing to do with you) they are not important to him. Instead do the nice things for yourself. Focus on caring for your self.

Apologies for this, I posted in the wrong thread. I've reported my post so hopefully it'll disappear.

Does he know that you feel like flatmates and you're seriously considering leaving him?

Maybe you should tell him that. It sounds like he's filing your current complaints away as just meaningless nagging. He feels safe ignoring you. That might change if he realised he's actually on the verge of losing you. Don't threaten it unless you're prepared to follow through, though.

I wonder how DH would feel if he had to go through life for a bit without feeling appreciated by you? No little surprise treats, no sense someone is thinking of him throughout the day? If you pulled the plug on all that, or took an extended trip away and didn't call home, would he notice what's missing? It's not uncommon for men to put no effort into their marriages, then come over all mopey and misty-eyed after the divorce, remembering all the "little things" their wife used to do for them, that are now lost forever. Sometimes people need to experience the other point of view for themselves before they understand why their partner is so upset.

But anything that he does for you accept it.
It sounds like you need to make more time for each other. What are weekends like?

Sorry but that did make me laugh! The notion of 'baking a favourite treat' and attaching a message on 'a sticky note'! Do people really do this sort of thing? I don't think my DH has ever left me a note - it just wouldn't occur to him - and I think a lot of men are the same. Just have to accept it, much as I would like it! On the other hand, I don't leave him notes either.

You're trying to change him. Never a good approach which will likely end in disappointment.

Have you actually done the 'love languages' test? Well worth 10 mins each of your time. Try and understand him before you try and change him.

My husband is thoughtful and shows me he loves me - it’s exhausting. I am not wired the same way and it has me in a constant feeling of obligation to reciprocate.

He will bake for me, because he enjoys baking, but then I have to find a way to reciprocate. He texts me throughout the day how much he loves me, I am trying to get work done.

Are you showing you love in ways that make him feel loved or ways that you WANT to show love? Are you doing it for him or you? Now consider that he might be showing his love to you in ways that he would like to receive love, however you are not recognising it because it’s not your preferred way.

I show love through my words and affection. I buy gifts, not always expensive just something that shows I thought of the person, but I could happily not text during work.

I constantly have to adjust my natural behaviour to meet this expectations and it is stressful!

I notice that the things you do for him are the things you would like to experience and then score is kept.

I don’t intend to be mean what you mention - coffee in heart shaped mugs, all the effort to go get him a cookie, to an extent the notes sound irritating. If I am working full-on and coming home at midnight the things I would appreciate are being given space, to recover from work and to mentally decompress.

A poster has pointed out that his “no response” is a response. Honestly, listen to this. Step back a little - cut the notes, the neediness and direct that time to you.

It all comes down to what you need and want from him.. If it's like this now ,will it get better or worse.Will you feel resentment at him always being too busy...he sounds decent apart from his lack of emotional connection to you but it's very important to you.

You say yourself you are getting nothing from your DH.

No amount of telling the therapist or the internet how unreasonable he is will turn him into the husband you want.

You can’t dob him in to the relationship authorities and have him brought into line.

So what are you going to do?

So you are living like housemates barely meeting (if at all) during the week but together at weekends when he is preoccupied and so you have asked for some small gestures from him to make you feel that you are in a relationship rather than just coexisting which he agreed to but didn't follow through? How short term will this be as I think that's untenable long term in your relationship so something either has to significantly change or you'll end up miserable or leaving. It's not unreasonable to feel frustrated but he is probably shattered and may feel that his working is showing you how he feels as he is providing for you both (I have heard this from male friends). A few notes and texts aren't going to paper up the cracks IMO

How does he say he shows his love?

You'll find on here that it doesn’t really matter what men do because they can’t win anyway but with respect he sounds absolutely knackered and you sound incredibly needy.