Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

[Borae]

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

He doesnt care enough op. Thats the simple truth

He isn't worried about losing you or how you are feeling.

I couldn't be with someone who had to be given basic instructions by a therapist on being a loving partner

You deserve better I would walk away and you can see if he cares enough to really change then

He will understand the language of consequences well enough.

He currently doesnt respect all the warnings and begging for attention.

When we are together he is naturally chivalrous. Ie will carry suitcases, the shopping bags etc. He’ll offer me the best seat.

He is very sweet about my personal safety ie I will say I’m catching the train to go to meet friends. He used to give me lifts but now will insist on booking me a taxi.

He’s interested in my take on world events. He appreciates I have opinions.

He values my input on our future plans.

We used to be very physical but that has definitely taken a step back. I have absolutely no impulse to initiate like I used to as I feel like he’s not doing his bit.

I appreciate all of the above. But I still feel like we are flatmates. Im begging to find ways to connect whilst we are in this busy season of life. But I get absolutely nothing back.

You’re unfortunately not compatible with this man then.
he’s married to his work.

my marriage was like this. He was emotionally avoidant. Fast forward 27 years we’re now getting divorced. It will take hard work but I strongly advise you nip this in the bud and fix
it now. Good luck. X

You realise that you sending notes and biscuits is for your benefit not his? I doubt that he particularly enjoys them and then he is expected to reciprocate.

Does he want to be in therapy?

You need to leave then. Do you work?

So his top priority is his business, he won’t change his hours, you’re unhappy with that and that he doesn’t contact you, reciprocate or acknowledge gestures. You seem incompatible and you’re unhappy.

are you prepared to end the relationship?

I’d not want that either, especially if I wanted DC.

whatever you decide, would stop with the mushy / thoughtful gestures - he’s not appreciating them.

I just leave his treat on the work counter with a note telling him I love him. It’s hardly a chore. I’m 99% of the time asleep. I don’t expect an appreciation speech at 1 am.

Frankly, you either accept it or you leave.

Therapy isn't a magic cure. He has to want to make the effort to change. It appears he doesn't want to change himself to suit you.

That suggests you are incompatible.

Perhaps it's time to part ways and find a new life for one another.

I’m wanting children. The first of my friends are starting to have babies.

But I just don’t feel like our marriage is in a place where we can take that on. It’s very upsetting.

So he is doing things to show he cares for you then but they are different to your expectations. What are his expectations from you?

Yes.

How much time are you actually spending together at the moment?

I also think it sounds like you have much more time on your hands than he does, and that your daytime life is much less pressurised.

I have a difficult and intense job which takes up all of my concentration and energy while I’m working. I’m definitely not giving myself extra work by thinking of little gestures for my DH, nor is he. Nor do we interrupt each other during the day with texts etc. We’re loving with each other when we’re together and that is pretty normal I think.

I think it’s harsh for you to demand that he adds to his mental load with performative gestures while he’s juggling other stuff.

Sounds like you need someone who works much less in an easier job.

Obviously right now due to husband’s working hours we can’t physically connect face to face during the week. But he could show me he cares in other ways. But he just doesn’t choose to do that. I don’t know why he can’t just go through the motions

Only weekends. And he will often have his laptop out even then.

You need a FT job. Or just a job.

It must be incredibly upsetting. But you’ve tried, he hasn’t. Give him one final ultimatum of either he steps up or you will need to move on. You want a family.

I’m out the house from 7:30am to 6pm most days. Later if I go to the gym. I accept we are in a busy stage of life but I see no attempts from husband to alleviate the situation.

Therefore all the millions of men who went to work and then came home, unable to message their wife during the working day, were selfish? If I had received a text from my husband during the working day I would have assumed before opening it that there was something seriously wrong, a death, a house fire etc.. Why are women so clingy that they expect these constant messages, just because that facility exists?

I am a professional working ft myself.

Little notes?

Who does that? 🙄

Agree, This love language thing is oppressive and applied with the nuance of a nuclear strike. Why did you think he wanted these things, OP?