Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

[Borae]

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

I am very curious how he shows his affection. Does he give you a kiss before leaving for work? Does he say bye or he knows you know what time you he leaves for work?

Also, what time does he come home from work - around midnight like OP’s H and then takes his bath and go to sleep?

Because he's done doing the "performance boyfriend", love-bombing phase of the relationship to get her to fall in love with him and now seems not only emotionally unavailable, cold and uncaring, but completely and utterly disinterested even in having sex with her. Most arses who DGAF about you will still happily use you for sex, will pester for it, even.

No. He's not doing what the op wants because he's not interested in her. 2 years of marriage they should be totally into one another. He's using work as an excuse not to face her. There's another reason and I've put two possibles. In my experience it could be very true

No. He's not doing what the op wants because he's not interested in her. 2 years of marriage they should be totally into one another. He's using work as an excuse not to face her. There's another reason and I've put two possibilities

Your way is the right way, those who have different way of showing affection in relationship are worth laughing at.

Well done for having such superior relationship, while op is Disney wanna be for wanting any contact with her husband who leaves early morning and come home around midnight. I am assuming he is breaking stones by hand for being this exhausted in his own business or in a war zone to not have a minute in his work day to be able to think of a sentence to text. How dare she does not provide him sex on weekends. Poor man, his mouth was taped for not able to say the exercise therapist suggested was way too out of his comfort zone.

You sound a bit OTT OP.
Come back to planet earth

Let’s not let the truth get in the way of a good old one-sided husband bashing...

Actually OP has said that she is the one who leaves for work early - she has stopped working from home which cuts down the amount of time they have together. They used to spend the morning together being affectionate before her working pattern changed. It is both her job as well as her DH’s which is separating them.

When he gets home having worked until midnight, she ignores him and pretends to be asleep, even though she isn’t.

Slightly different, eh?

Your work schedules are incompatible. You need to find a way to spend some hours together regularly. Things were better in the past because you had that. Not everyone wants to replace that with texts or cakes. I wouldn’t. Either his job needs to allow him to get home earlier some nights or yours to leave later so you have some hours at home together. If necessary, one of you could find a new job to address the problems in your marriage.

OP, I think you've had a rough ride on here. A partner withdrawing emotionally is so very difficult to deal with and can make you feel desperately lonely. It happened to me, and my partner at the time didn't want to engage with any therapy or even admit there was a problem: in his case he was struggling with depression also, but essentially for us we just weren't the right people for each other, even though we wanted to be. It's horrible because it makes you feel bonkers, but if you're feeling like he's not emotionally present then of course you don't feel like having sex - I would advise against forcing it as I just don't think it helps, at least in my experience it left me feeling even lonelier as there was no way I could relax enough to really enjoy it. Taking time and honestly talking to each other is the only thing that I think helps, and it sounds like your partner needs to decide whether this is something he is willing to prioritise, as the current situation isn't sustainable. I would suggest you think about where your line is here. How long do you want to give this, if the situation doesn't change? Are there small behavioural things he could change that don't involve interrupting his working day - eg no laptop on weekends? If these change might it be enough? Above all look after yourself and don't dismiss your feelings lightly. You shouldn't be feeling this way so consistently two years in; a marriage needs to work for both of you.

Sure it is! The whole point of this love languages stuff is that it is a language anyone can learn and her dh can learn hers. Its not the crime of the century, except on mumsnet, for a person to express their feelings in the marriage and ask for what they feel they need.

Agree entirely.

The OP has a husband who has withdrawn from her, and she is really hurt and lonely, and trying hard to connect with him. Anybody in her shoes would feel the same. I'm amazed there's been such a lack of understanding on here, when I can guarantee that no one on this thread would like to be in OP's situation. Total lack of empathy and imagination from many posters.

This. The number of people defending a low-effort man and berating the OP for not thriving in an emotional desert is astonishing. High chance many of them are men themselves.

OP, several people on this thread are heavily invested in telling you that you're being unreasonable. I suggest you ignore them. You have done your very best to turn this marriage around, and your feelings are entirely valid.