Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

[Borae]

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

@Borae

Sorry, OP, this sounds very lonely! And really not sustainable!! What’s the prognosis for his private practice? When will he have a few evenings home again?

It’ll be interesting to hear what he says about his homework task, or lack of, in the next therapy session. Expecting an effort then nothing is worse… 😬

This sounds a bit needy.

Myself and my partner never text. I find it odd when people text the person they live with every day. Not texting is fine for some couples, so there is nothing wrong with it per se, it's just that you are mismatched in this regard. You mentioned other things which I feel are actually MORE of a display of love. He listens to your opinions, your ideas for the future, offers you the better seat, cares for your safety etc etc. These are actually meaningful acts, moreso than coffee in a heart mug?

@GarlicHound

As soon as we were married - and I mean we were still sitting at the registry desk - he seemed to cast me in the role of cartoon wife, the ball & chain holding him back. While I couldn't believe what was happening and kept trying to fix it (for a year or so), I now realise this is more common than we think. Abusers are known to 'become' abusive upon engagement, marriage, pregnancy or birth of a child - as soon as they feel they've caught you, basically.

Omg, this is EXACTLY what happened to me! YES - abusive exH cast me in that role upon getting married, and that was that. It bore no relation to who I actually was. It was like he could not see me anymore, just a cut-out named "Wife". And the whole relationship became a cycle of nasty/nice/nasty/nice for no reason whatsoever. He would frequently refuse to speak to me for no reason, for sometimes up to three weeks. He worked himself up into such a lather of contempt towards me that he eventually walked out one day with no warning. His excuse for ALL that treatment was that I'd put on weight. Yet I was the same weight as on my wedding day when he'd been so happy to marry me. Total narcissist - the devaluation, everything.

Sorry for the thread derail; it was just so spooky the way you described it, it's like my own marriage being described.

I agree that longterm neglect is a form of abuse.

People find time for what’s important to them. He doesn’t have to show his love for you in the same way you show yours for him. But he needs to make the effort to show that he knows and valúes who you are. Some people are very good at compartmentalizing, so he may not think much about you at work. But he needs to try to let you know he loves you at home. Small things count. If he can’t manage a simple note or little treat when you’ve told him how important that is to you, it’s a symptom of much bigger problems in the marriage.

It sounds as though the way he's working right now is unsustainable for everyone. Has he given you a timeline to this level of intensity with his business before he can start to hire in some more help?

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think in any relationship if you want to maintain connection you have to work at it which means both people thinking of realistic and sustainable ways they can show care for the other person. His working a lot doesn't automatically give him a get out of jail card for being a husband. However you also need to be able to recognise the things he DOES do for what they are. Has he identified anything he feels he can realistically do? Has he dropped the chivalrous stuff you mentioned or does he still do all that when you're together?

And I think you're right in that having kids right now would be tough on your marriage and you're wise to want to be in a better place before adding more pressure.

Wow your standards are so incredibly low.

My husband and I have been married for over 20 years and we have demanding careers, young teenage children, aging parents and all of the other typical demands on our time. We spend most of our waking hours apart and that works for both of us right now. But I still think of him all the time! There are times at work when I’m in a “flow state” and focused only on what I’m doing but that only lasts so long. It’s not like I’m going to forget my husband exists for 10 hours straight. Maybe I am reminded of a private joke we have, or I recall something I need to ask him, I’m feeling peckish and wondering what he will make for dinner, or perhaps I’m still basking in the sex we had that morning. If I know he’s unwell or is feeling extra stressed or anxious he’s on my mind even more. I think about our children too, isn’t that how it works?? I can’t fathom being in a relationship where my spouse didn’t even cross my mind all day just because I’m at work.

My husband and I don’t communicate every day but we are both secure and happy in our relationship. Right now the OP is not. I’m guessing her DH has given her reason to feel that way and she is left feeling neglected and vulnerable but she can’t put her finger on why. With the help of a therapist she has asked for a tiny amount of effort to reassure her, not from a stranger or a colleague but from the man who chose her, wants her, and ostensibly cares deeply about her well-being. His refusal to give even that much is unfortunately very telling, especially when the relationship is already at the point of needing therapy.

OP there’s a saying that “behavior is communication.” I’m sorry to say that husband’s behavior is telling you very clearly that he doesn’t care much about your happiness or the health of your relationship. You’re already in therapy and he’s still not willing to lift a finger to make you feel better. I genuinely think you should prepare to end the marriage. Perhaps when your husband sees that you are genuinely ready to leave he will get scared and turn things around, and if that’s enough for you then all is good. Sadly he is more likely to continue with what he’s doing but still claim he loves you so you are forced to be the one to make the choice while he gets to be the victim. I hope I’m wrong but I’ve heard this story so many times. You deserve a husband who understands what you need and genuinely wants to make you feel loved and happy. Your husband is telling you he’s not that man. It’s up to you what you do with that information.

I would hate little notes left for me to be honest

Yes. I would find it creepy. Like coercive control.

Connection is everything in a healthy relationship. OP is hardly asking for much. Obviously when you go to therapy you hope things will improve but sometimes it is going to be a path to deciding to leave as well. I’m really sorry but this doesn’t sound sustainable to me unless something drastic changes. You sound so unhappy.

Not ok to say someone’s standards are low because they don’t think like you.

I think it depends on the job. If you had a job where you were constantly dealing with emergencies and seeing people in wretched and extreme circumstances I doubt you would have the capacity to think about your spouse. Also depending on the nature of the job your downtime would be needed for physical and mental recuperation.

For example even teachers can be so stressed by the job these days that many have so many mental and physical health conditions as a result.

It kinda sounds like you aren’t that compatible to me, for whatever reason you feel incredibly affected by his actions or lack of during the week. My gut says that if this is how you are after only 2 years married then I fail to how this is going to work long term once you throw children in the mix.. It almost sounds like you know what you need to do and all this pleading isn’t likely to resolve it. By all means keep with the therapy and being open incase things turn around but I just can’t see how this kind of reaction to being busy without even having these other stresses in your life is going to work.

I think you are focusing on wrong issues in therapy, and my hunch is that he is going because he is expected to, not because he sees a reason to change.

It's not and should not be about how to show you more appreciation and change DH only.

It should be looking at how you are both different from each other in what you need and how you expect relationship to be, and whether you can find a way to live with it in a way that can make both of you feel ok.

If you do what you’ve always done you’ll get what you always get and I think that this applies very much in this situation. Whilst I recognise that you don’t want to play games to try to affect change but begging and pleading for attention isn’t working, in fact could be the very thing that’s off putting for him. My advice is to stop trying to elicit a response - relax about it - appear to be happy and fun, in fact choose to be those things! Pushing for attention isn’t working and in my experience ‘please love me’ doesn’t work. The women I know who have their partners attention are very much ‘I chose to be with you but I’d be fine on my own’. Be a little offhand - talk about ‘hopefully we can work this out but maybe we’re not good together and that’s ok’ It sounds counterintuitive but changed things for me within a few days after years of trying as you have.
Good luck! What do you have to lose?

The therapist needs to work WITH YOU to help you to see how people show their love in different ways.

he clearly isn’t talking the same love language as you, but clearly DOES care for you.

you’re suggesting a text and not a note, but a text IS a note! That’s not how he works

I suggest you look at modifying your work pattern so that perhaps you can go back to having some time at home so you can see him.

hes clearly building a business and that will pay off eventually so that you’ll both have time together

I don’t think your therapist is much cop.

I have been married 20 years, and my husband is not overly affectionate. But if he didn't see me from Monday to Friday. he absolutely would call or text me as a minimum. Don't waste any more time on this marriage, as your husband doesn't care, doesn't think about you. If he won't even try when you are in counselling, then it bodes very poorly for the future.

You're asking for the bare minimum. Tell him that he's not doing his part, say that you're unhappy, and ask him to meet you halfway. If he doesn't, he doesn't want to.

Maybe having a break would be a good idea. It could give you some space to think about what you truly want. Is this marriage right for you?

It's a tough one, but at the end of the day, if your love languages are incompatible, neither of you will meet each other's needs.

It sounds like it’s become such a thing & therapy might be making it worse? It may also be that you have only fully seen how much sex has maybe driven your DH’s gestures & contact with you & that without it, this is what he’s like. Totally understand how you can’t switch that on & off as easily as he can & how you now don’t particularly even want to. You do sound like it’s occupying you an awful lot & the pressure he must be feeling from you must be palpable. His avoidance when he has both you & the therapist asking him to show he’s thinking about you etc is making it even worse. When I read your thread, I did feel that you sound quite needy. But I do understand how lonely you feel or shut out from him. And that is really horrible & isolating. I wouldn’t be wanting confirmation that my DH was thinking about me or constantly validating me however. I might find your gestures & reminders of how much you are thinking about him a little stifling. I would however want to communicate with him. I wld not expect gestures or affirmations of love all the time. If things were incredibly stressful & busy I’d be shelving any expectations during the week & making a plan to spend some time together at the weekend. But with no major pressure. Your DH is clearly extremely stressed & his carefree playful side has disappeared as a result. I do feel like placing more “demands” on him might not be the best way to go. You could try an experiment where you revive sex. Push through the cringe factor & start being more sexual & see if it kind of kickstarts his ability to show he’s cares. It may take time, but you could see it as an experiment & attempt to revive things. It will be interesting to see if he is more inclined to start showing his feelings for you in the way he used to. But he sounds like he’s so consumed & occupied by work that he’s got very little scope left to do anything. Even communicate. How long that’s even sustainable or healthy is another matter. I would try to blame the stress & not him. And maybe look to ways that he can stress manage better & have some spontaneous, non pressured fun together, where the focus is not on you two, but having fun together over something else, that will maybe bring you both back together.

It's not about the notes... it's about the fact he isn't showing love and affection, AT ALL.

Those of us who have been through that know it's bloody purgatory.

I have just remembered that I have been through something like this. Twice. Both times this happened to me was because my partner had actually come to the end of the road with the relationship. I remember doing exactly what Op is doing (not therapy however) and I also made a list of the actions that made me feel loved, but I can see now that it was to no avail. They just didn't feel that way about me anymore. And both times I'm not sure that they even realised.

Getting them to change was like flogging a dead horse (awful image, but quite apt).

He's either gay or doesn't like adults. You're a cover up token wife and you need to get out.

This is one of those threads where op says 'i have this problem how can i solve it' and everyone gives loads of suggestions but op says 'yes but....' and rejects every single suggestion. She goes to couples counselling but becasue things aren't fixed after one session says 'it's not working'. Mean time op lodges all the problems in her dh by him not doing exactly what she wants when she wants and refuses to take any responsibility for her own part in the marriage. A couple problem involves both parties and if you want things to change tou have to be prepared to change yourself, because you can't change the other person. The therapist's role is not to make your husband see anything and definitely not to force him to do anything, although she seems to have fallen into the trap of doing so.

He’s gay because he’s not doing what the op wants?

I used to work in the City, frequently doing 9am -1am working days. It was rare for me to be home before 9pm. Would then work the weekend too.

I still found time to text DH. Sometimes we would call each other at lunch to chat. He used to leave a cup of coffee by my bed (he went to work earlier than me). Etc.

Working all hours of the day doesn't mean totally ignoring your spouse.

Get out. He's shown you who he is.

Men don't change.

People don't change.

Deciding who will be the father of your children is the most important decision you will ever make and one you can NEVER get out of.

Interesting you say that. One of my ex's I suspect may have been both. But firmly in the closet (and in denial to himself). A massive homophobe who'd sometimes get hit on by gay men when we were out (so he claimed, anyway). The one who withdrew all affection and went cold like this husband has done. He was twice my age and effectively groomed me as a depressed teenager. When I eventually recovered from my depression, which I've no doubt his abuse hampered my progress, developed some confidence and basically grew up, he discarded me completely before I was even 25. He was always having a roving eye at barely adults and hanging out with gay mates, despite his homophobia. So who knows, maybe there's something in it with OPs H too 🤷

OP I've just realised my ex (who I'm friends with, not the one above) spends more time with me and texts me more than your husband does with you 😧