Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

[Borae]

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

Did he ever do any of this, or have your expectations changed?

I think I would want to understand whether your DH appreciates the gestures from you that you value. I get annoyed if my DH texts during the day unless it’s important, because my head is in work mode.

It’s hard if you place a high value on something and want reciprocation and the other person not only doesn’t value it, but is actively annoyed by it. Would it be helpful to explore communication more broadly before getting to homework? It’s not a who’s right vs who’s wrong thing, but ultimately one party can’t unilaterally make the rules.

He’s been explicitly told how to make me feel more appreciated and he’s still chosen to ignore it

Does he eat lunch? Can he not send a text at that point

To say what, though? “I’m sending you a text because you told me to, even though I have nothing to say”. It’s fake.

I think counsellors sometimes suggest this sort of daftness because they know the real problem isn’t fixable.

Look, it honestly doesn’t sound like he cares.
It’s obvious you do BUT he doesn’t.
So the therapist kind of sides with you, suggests he try AND he didn’t.
I guess the marriage has ended.

He wasn’t always this busy. And I used to work from home so we could spend time in the morning being affectionate.

When I was married, the only romantic gestures I got were birthday, valentine's and Christmas cards ,we rarely hugged but were together 15 years. Basically we weren't that emotionally compatible and became more like friends.We worked shifts,so some days didn't even speak. We got divorced but have actually stayed friends via texts.
It is all about what you want and expect,you have to be happy.Even if you are very different personalities,if there's not a real connection it may not last, unless you know you are loved and can accept that he is undemonstrative.

You are focusing a lot here on all the lovely things you do for him.

He either takes this for granted as the dynamic of the relationship (she does nice things for me, meanwhile I work all the hours to provide - that’s the setup)

OR

He doesn’t really care about crumpets and posh jam and out of this world biscuits and sweet little notes. It just doesn’t register with him at all, and he wouldn’t care or notice if you stopped doing these things, because his mind is on work.

Your doing all these nice things for him is not going to make him want to reciprocate, if he doesn’t care about the nice things or doesn’t see it as his role.

This is an incompatibility problem.

I don’t want a housemate. I want a husband.

But what does he do that he thinks shows he cares? What does he expect you to do to show you care.? It's a two way thing? What was your homework?

So it’s your expectations that have changed - not his actions.

He’s not suddenly going to turn into a man who leaves you notes, buys you cookies and brings you coffee, just because your work patterns have changed.

This my ex never did.

My current husband. My god the man is wonderful. He gets up and sorts the dogs and brings me a cup of tea after kissing me gently.
One of us gets my son up (12) and I head to work. Text telling me he loves me and our son is at school etc

Come home and he has picked our son up and usually done homework, he will have made tea, cleaned the microwave and runs me a bath etc and chocolate bar in fridge etc

He’s not perfect I went to make coffee and it was full of mould the coffee machine but he was mortified as he forgot to clean it last weekend after he made himself a coffee. But he is a joy and yes he tells me daily how much he loves me. I’m having a major shitty time at work and he is just there. Yours doesn’t care. Find someone who does.

You're not wrong for wanting this.
But this is a very recent demand of men- that they are romantic and meet all their partners needs.
If you had children, hobbies, and friends, you might not be so needy.
No one here can tell you if you have a good relationship because you're talking of notes and texts and biscuits it sounds silly.
Do you have a good relationship underneath this issue?
What's the rest of your life like?

What did he used to do to show affection?

I often wonder how the hell people connect in the first place, if there's just nothing there!? He doesn't care, by the sound of it. Cut your losses and find someone who will give you what you need!

I wouldn’t be sending a text from work either sorry OP. For some people work is work and completely separate from home.

DH and me only contact one another at work of it’s an emergency and that suits us both.

So I personally I can see why he’s not doing that particular task, and it could feel like a task in his already busy day.

The question is though, what does he suggest instead?

Is he engaged in the therapy and listening when when say you feel unseen and unloved? Has he acknowledged how you feel and changed in any way?

Given that he is making it clear he won’t change and become the husband you want, what are you going to do?

Because trying to force him to make you feel cherished won’t work.

Have you explored what your respective love languages are? Does he truly understand the importance of these little connections for you?

I'm wondering that too. I'm also interested in whose idea the therapy was, and whether he wants to be there. Did the therapist ask you both that?

Sounds like he just can't be bothered.
Or his work is so important to him that he doesn't have space in his life for a relationship.

If you are already housemates when you should still be in the honeymoon phase then that doesn't bode well for the future if you have children.

It's not needy to want an emotional connection with your husband btw, it's normal.

Agreed with this.

If dh wanted me to text during the day as well, I would feel really awkward. I wouldn't know what to write, and would feel he'd think that I'd written it because I was expected to, rather than what I wanted. It would make me much less likely to feel loving, because it would be a chore.

It seems odd that the therapist is pushing your language of love, rather than exploring different ways - and maybe helping you see that some of the things he does is his language of love and you need to meet him there.
My dad's language of love when we were younger was to work hard. He'd been brought up in extreme poverty and wanted us to have all the opportunities he couldn't. He'd work until after bedtime most days and Saturday mornings too, so we could afford not just the basics, but a little bit more. The rest of the weekend he was doing things round the house.
That was his way of showing love.
He's nearly 80yo now, and still the way he shows love is by making something we need.

It sounds like you both need to understand each other more, rather than he needs to do what you want.
He is maybe showing love in his way and you equally well aren't appreciating it and he feels you aren't loving him.

And tbh if I got in at midnight, I'd be thinking "relaxing bath then bed" not be brought a drink and treat. I'd be nice about it, but it would become a bit of a chore. I need some time alone and sleep if I've had a long day at work. And I suspect if I bought dh coffee in a heart shaped mug, he'd only notice if it was awkward to drink out of 🤣

Why did you marry him knowing that this was an issue long before?