Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

[Borae]

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

Well I do t see my husband during the working week. I don’t think a solitary text is too much to ask for. I can’t believe people think a text is overbearing given we do not see each other. I want to exist to one another!

It doesn't sound like you are connecting with each other at the moment.He seems to be,by what you are saying, avoiding it. Can you not just ask him to his face if he is happy within your marriage.Is he over working, under pressure,tired?..If this carries on for more than another few months it may be that you have to accept that you need to leave him and ask for a divorce.

You could be talking different love languages. I suggest you get a book 5 Languages of Love and start doing things that will show him you appreciate him. Most people do reciprocate.

I would also say, change your therapist. All your therapist has achieved so far is for your husband to dig his heels in.

I can kind of see both sides. I’m not in the least bit romantic and my DH is. He writes notes for me and puts them in my handbag etc which I tend to read and bin. More important to me was when I had flu he made chicken soup and looked after me. It wouldn’t cross my mind to write my DH a love note but I show him I love him in other ways (texts, cook his favourite meal etc). Is he caring when you are together? If so then he sounds utterly burnt out and just not grasped how important this stuff is to you

Does he not show he cares in more kind of ingrained, general, indirect ways?

Likes looking at you and compliment your outfit? Laugh at your jokes and listen to your stories? Plan things for he future? Kiss, hug, want sex with you? Knows your tastes?

Maybe he feels working hard in a stressful job is a way of showing he wants to support you?

Is he a very emotional person or not so much?

To me leaving twee love notes around is all very well if it makes you happy. But to need someone to mirror that exact behaviour in order to feel you're being appreciated would be too forced.

I sometimes might wrote a cutesy note, but frankly I wouldn't expect a bloke to do such things. None of the ones I've been attracted to would want to do that spontaneously. Or in a response to my notes, just to keep me happy.

He could at least text you though during the working day a couple of times just to have a chat and share your day.

Not even notes. He agreed he would find ways to connect with me during the work week. Texts was an example the therapist and I gave and he agreed. He said he would think and come up with ideas. Nothing has materialised.

Ok, so basically you're just a weekend wife and even then he can't be bothered to interact with you? And if you didnt leave him little gestures, there would be no communication during the week?

Sorry, barked up the wrong tree, then I don't know what to suggest.

My DH and I work together. We both have our own offices but when we meet in the kitchen area of work, he will give me a kiss or a wink. Connection with your DH is important to you, like it is to me. My DH has always acknowledged this even when he is away for our business; sometimes just an emoji but I know he is thinking of me.

People have different ‘love languages’ and regardless if people think the notes etc are abit OTT they are your love language and you are mismatched to your husband as he doesn’t outwardly show he cares…
My DH is abit of a soppy romantic snuggler and I’m not.. my ‘love language’ is making sure his tea is put to one side if he’s left work late, nagging him about his sweet tooth, organising our household as he works long hours, seeing something when out shopping and buying it for him because I know he’ll like it etc On paper we are a total mismatch but neither of us have any doubt how much the other cares.
You can’t fundamentally change who someone is, if you’re struggling when only 2 years in and you want to start a family I would be asking if this was the right person to plan a future with.

Yeah OP! Having an emotional connection with your own husband is so lame 🙄
A brief nod if you happen to pass each other in the kitchen is more than enough for a successful marriage and anything more is clingy.

Literally. Im not an overly mushy person. But the gestures are my only way of saying “I love you, you matter to me”.

i used to try and stay awake so we could spend time together at night but now that I’ve changed jobs I need to sleep as I’m up earlier

He is not that interested in the relationship.
Maybe if you were leaving, he'd make an effort, he can afford a bunch of flowers, he wouldn't have to.leave his chair, order for delivery.

You sound like you are more suited to the OP's husband that she is? Strictly business, housemates only, nothing so soppy as a text message.

Hmm I don't think you'll get what you want from him and I think you need to up your standards. Some of this stuff you've listed here is the bare minimum not chivalry. Even the shit boyfriends I have had in the past would carry the suitcases.

It sounds like you are wildly different with regard to how you express love/affection etc.

To be honest most men are not demonstrative in the way you describe. Notes cookies etc. It’s a bit Mills & Boon really. My mum wanted the whole Mills & Boon scenario and my dad just wasn’t like that. And she ended up unhappy for years. Even as we all grew up and told her real life and marriage was generally not like that she hung onto unrealistic expectations.

I have a friend whose husband is big into the gestures. Presents, booking her a spa day etc. But was never there in a practical sense.

My DH isn’t romantic at all. Was very career focussed and essentially as soon as he woke up in the morning his brain was taken up with work until he came home in the evening. If he had to call or text he would but only about something specific. It used to drive me a bit mad but then I realised that he did a lot of practical things to make my life easier.

So think about if he does anything that isn’t necessarily a traditional romantic gesture but something more practical that helps you or shows he is putting you first.

i was extremely content when we actually saw each other. I know it’s not forever him being so busy but it hurts he disregards my feelings

🙋‍♀️ DH and I used to do the notes when we first started living together. Why not?! I still text him every morning to let him know I’ve got to work ok. He gives me a 👍 in return.

Sadly it sounds like he has checked out to me. A text takes a minute. A gesture a bit of thought. He just can’t be bothered. Sorry OP.

OP - I'm sorry you're getting a hard time here. It's not unreasonable to expect your husband to acknowledge your existence and be an active participant in a marriage. It might be different if he actively engaged with you at the weekends but it sounds like he cant be arsed either

Do you do any fun things together? He can’t be working 7 days a week?

We do. We will book nights away. Go out for meals. We both enjoy live events. But things are definitely not as free and easy as they used to be. Sometimes a date night will just feel contrived and forced. Even awkward. And that just breaks my heart.

You're having so much trouble 2 years in you're seeing a counselor.

From what you've said, your mindsets are just incompatible.

He is providing for you and caring for others and that makes for long hours.

You want romantic little gestures and for him to be 🤔 ng about you when you're not around and show that. For him, those little gestures are just more things to remember and chores to be done and he's not got the bandwidth to do it.

Is his practice health care? If so, he's not got the time or in the headspace to be sending you notes through the day. He is grinding and needs to be super focused. He has to pay attention or he might miss a small detail that's extremely significant. You come second after his work.

That said, you need more than he can give you and he's not going to change. It sounds like he's more than decent when he's present but that's not enough.