To not want my friends nanny on holiday with us?

[Hungryhippos123]

We are meeting in Spain in May half term- me and my kids, a friend who lives in spain with her two kids and a friend from KSA who has 2 kids (just mums and kids- all age 5-10 and get on well!).
Our friend from KSA has just told us she plans to bring her nanny/maid with her. Shes a lovely Filipino lady (I have never met her but friend raves about her) as friend wants help with the kids.
I find it really uncomfortable and dont know why or if I should say no. I get that help is nice but we will all be there and her kids arent naughty or anything just normal kids! She said her nanny can help with all the kids and cook etc which I know is her norm but I find really uncomfortable. The whole dynamic will feel different and I will feel bad that the nanny will be sleeping in an office room on a blow up bed (again friend said would be fine).
AIBU? Should I just enjoy the extra help or would it bother you?

Well I don’t think you get to say “no” to the nanny coming. You could mention lightheartedly that the kids will be so busy playing the nanny won’t be needed. Or you can choose not to go.

You don't have to let the nanny look after your kids, but you can't dictate what she does with hers.

You can’t stop her coming if your friend is determined. I would be definitely making sure that the poor nanny was NOT looking after my kids as extra work. And doing what I could to make sure she was comfortable and respected.
Your friend doesn’t actually sound like a very nice person. She sees her nanny as a second class person. Would she be ok on a blowup bed and her work load suddenly being tripled?

It would bother me. I was on the fence a bit until I read the nanny would be on a blow in an office room. She shouldn’t be cooking either, except for for the children if she’s a nanny, but of course she’s an underpaid domestic labourer and I’d totally judge my friend for that. I don’t have a problem with people choosing to have a nanny, or employ domestic help, but just because you live somewhere that exploits migrant workers that doesn’t mean you have to. Your friend could employ a nanny and treat them as a U.K. nanny would expect to be treated but she doesn’t. If her family can’t afford to give the nanny decent accommodation, a fair wage and benefits and reasonable hours and time off then they should just look after their own bloody kids or tie a knot in it.

I wouldn’t enjoy my iced lattes by the pool in that scenario.

Well they're not your nanny. The family who employ her have the right to bring her on holiday whenever they need her. Assuming she agrees.

I'd happily sleep on a blow up bed if it meant I was on holiday in Spain. Even if I was also working. So that to me isn't weird. As long as there is Aircon in the room.

I take it you wouldn't give up your bed for her?

Honestly I don't think you can really say anything against it. Especially as you say you don't even know her but everyone else thinks she is lovely.

Why shouldn't she bring her nanny for a more relaxing trip? Yabu really

I think perhaps the issue is how your friend views her nanny and it seems exploitative and you don’t want a part of that

Yeah, that would alter the dynamics for both the adults and kids. I don't think I would go. When my DC were younger I often found that people with a nanny just didn't get that nobody else had a relationship with her nor did they want one really. The nanny plays such a pivotal role for them, they sometimes forget this.

Of course you can say you don’t want to holiday with the nanny! You want to go on holiday with your friends, not with your friends plus a servant.

I would check with your friend that the nanny will be recompensed properly if she ends up looking after all the kids. You can decide if you are part of that recompense (eg if the nanny babysits while you all go out in the evening).

It would bother me a lot. I'm sure your friend from KSA is kind and thoughtful employer, but I'd be too concerned for the welfare and rights of migrant domestic workers in KSA in general to enjoy a holiday with her there. It would feel like I was supporting a exploitative set-up.
Also, won't it change the dynamic of the holiday between the 3 of you? Will feel less like a "shared, we're all in it together" kind of vibe.

@Smartiepants79 you put perfectly into words just what I thought _ Nanny doesn't equate to house elf, it's shoddy expecting her to look afted all the kids and not even have a proper bed

Tell your friend you want no truck with the exploitation of overseas domestic workers that is common in the ME. Either she parents her own children on holiday, or you won’t be going.

TBF a migrant worker in KSA working for a British family probably thinks they’ve won the lottery, welfare wise!

I’ve known several Filipino Nannie’s in my time and they’re all pretty pragmatic about working overseas to make money to support their families. So long as they’re being treated well, it’s a job.

They live in a different environment to us, and these jobs can be a means of their families escaping poverty. It isn’t necessarily exploitative.

The nanny might be quite looking forward to the opportunity to visit Spain, for all you know!

I think I'd at a minimum put my foot down that the nanny has a proper bed and room for the stay, that's incredibly exploitive of your friend and I would judge her lack of consideration for a human (a human who is caring for her precious kids) quite harshly

This friend seems to be suggesting her nanny will cook for them all and, I think, help with all the children sometimes. That’s not normal for a nanny at all. If you want that level of service in a villa you would be paying a nanny and a cook/housekeeper. We are taking about a minimum of 6 children under 10 as the two friends have 2 each and OP refers to her children.

Still doubtless the friends will handle all washing up and cleaning ☹️ - Oh wait! Wonderful Dora is happy to do it! Seal clapping all round!

Just odd that your friend can't even consider parenting her own children on holiday!!

I think you can and should say something.
It seems quite probable that the nanny isn't treated as an employee, but as a servant.

At the very minimum you shouldn't be part of or tolerate any illegal arrangement, so she should be treated as an employee according to Spanish law.

If something isn't acceptable for a nanny in Spain, it isn't acceptable for this nanny in Spain.

Just because the servant participates pragmatically because they have no other way to get the money, it doesn't mean it isn't exploitative.

Well, I wouldn't have her looking after my children for all sorts of reasons. She's not my chidren's nanny, insurance, just basic common decency, etc but you can't control what she does.

I'm not sure how enjoyable the holiday will he though if you're expecting to look after your own children and she's expecting the 'hired help' to meak a child free break for you both. Very different dynamic.

My friend's wife was a live in nanny for very wealthy families and she said that many of the parents had become so detached and emotionally distanced from their children that they didn't want to spend any time with them - even on holiday. They didn't find any joy at all in doing anything with the children and she would spend all day doing fun stuff with them whilst the parents had very little involvement.

Like I say, a very different dynamic.

The nanny is a human being. She may think a blow up bed is luxury, but YOU wouldn't.

The shocking attitude you display towards her and how she should have less access to home comforts shows that yiu think she is a lesser person.

Maybe she is more of a housekeeper than nanny, and is happy to be "housekeeping" somewhere else?

Nanny sounds like a posher title than HK, is your friend a bit "Mrs Bouquet"-ish?

I wouldn't have too much of a problem as to me if I was paying for a service like your friend is, I would be happy to take her on holiday with me as long as she was getting fair breaks and I paid for it all.

Can she even bring the nanny to Spain? Wouldn’t it be a different type of visa?

I'd also be so embarrassed to go on holiday with a woman that sees her kids as a chore, to be avoided, even when she's not even working.

Yeah this