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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want my friends nanny on holiday with us?

333 replies

Hungryhippos123 · 15/11/2025 10:05

We are meeting in Spain in May half term- me and my kids, a friend who lives in spain with her two kids and a friend from KSA who has 2 kids (just mums and kids- all age 5-10 and get on well!).
Our friend from KSA has just told us she plans to bring her nanny/maid with her. Shes a lovely Filipino lady (I have never met her but friend raves about her) as friend wants help with the kids.
I find it really uncomfortable and dont know why or if I should say no. I get that help is nice but we will all be there and her kids arent naughty or anything just normal kids! She said her nanny can help with all the kids and cook etc which I know is her norm but I find really uncomfortable. The whole dynamic will feel different and I will feel bad that the nanny will be sleeping in an office room on a blow up bed (again friend said would be fine).
AIBU? Should I just enjoy the extra help or would it bother you?

OP posts:
Sparklybutold · 16/11/2025 23:35

The extra help on holiday would be welcome, the sleeping arrangements on the other hand would not be. To expect her to sleep on a blow up bed is awful.

AlltheHedgehogsontheWall · 16/11/2025 23:49

I don't think the employment contract your friend has with her nanny is any of your business, unless you have evidence of abusive behaviour or breach of employment law.

If you work in a restaurant you don't expect to be provided with a 3 course meal at the finest table, there'll be a standard staff meal provided which won't be as fancy.

If you're working as a nanny on holiday you won't get the best room.

Smartiepants79 · 16/11/2025 23:53

LilyTheLD77 · 16/11/2025 14:59

Isn't it racist to think that not all cultures are equally valid?

Poor working conditions and poor pay are not a ‘culture’. They’re just the outcome of a less developed country with less economic stability and less available education and opportunities.
People being under paid and treated like second class citizens is not something to be celebrated or supported no matter how common it is in any country.

goingoffonatangentagain · 16/11/2025 23:58

Some of us reading are not many generations from rural poverty. It won't do. It's not okay to treat workers differently because they come from poverty and should be grateful for access to a flushing loo.

The Monica Dickens memoir captures these attitudes in the 1930s - employers wanting to save money and refusing to see their staff as skilled and capable. She tried to give lectures on this after her own experience of domestic work:

“One Pair of Hands”, the Mystery of the Missing Chapter | Yankee Skeptic

“One Pair of Hands”, the Mystery of the Missing Chapter

We all have books that are life long favorites. My favorite book to lend or purchase for anyone in “One Pair of Hands” by Monica Dickens. Yes she is a direct relation of Charles Dickens…

https://yankeeskeptic.com/2022/04/16/one-pair-of-hands-the-mystery-of-the-missing-chapter/

Bones101 · 17/11/2025 00:29

A blow up bed. Shocking

ACatNamedRobin · 17/11/2025 00:33

FenceBooksCycle · 15/11/2025 11:55

I think yanbu and I would pull out of the holiday. There's a totally different dynamic in a situation where friends are enjoying a holiday together vs a hierarchical situation where one of the adults is in a servant role, working their job and not on holiday at all. It would nake me feel really uncomfortable and unable to relax and I don't think it would be at all good for the children to be shown so bluntly that the ideals of equality and fairness are actually just lipservice.

@FenceBooksCycle
Sure how is this different from say there being a housekeeper with the villa?
Or a hotel waiter at a hotel?

Some people work in hospitality, so they'll be working when others are on holidays, and providing services for them.

Morningsleepin · 17/11/2025 01:16

I doesn't sound like your friend values her children very much. If I had to hire someone to look after my children I would treat them very well

XWKD · 17/11/2025 01:25

Look after your own kids, and treat the slave nanny with dignity.

coxesorangepippin · 17/11/2025 02:53

Ooh this would bother me

KSA? Filipino nanny?? Blow up bed??

Just no, no, no

coxesorangepippin · 17/11/2025 02:56

MarriedinMaui · 16/11/2025 15:40

Omg take the extra help! She will make your holiday so much better and be an extra pair of hands to tidy and keep the kitchen clean. Make sure you give her a generous tip at the end of the holiday.

Yes, jolly well do so!!! The extra help will be so welcome! She'll be able to look after even more children for a pittance! And she can definitely cook dinner!

And yes, tip her! A fiver'll do, cos she'll be greatful for anything!!!

My life. And this is MN.

duckfordinner · 17/11/2025 03:03

The nanny has no choice- they are treated like slaves in KSA

LoveAbitOfAlanCarr · 17/11/2025 03:05

So 'Friend' has said the nanny can look after all the kids, cook for you all and sleep in an office on a blow up bed?

Wow. Your friend doesnt respect the Nanny
How much does she get paid?

duckfordinner · 17/11/2025 03:05

I meant you are definitely not being unreasonable

TheGrimSmile · 17/11/2025 03:27

Your friend sounds awful. I cant believe anyone thinks this is ok.

GiantTeddyIsTired · 17/11/2025 06:39

CementCement · 16/11/2025 23:25

Read that back and blush. That smacks of white apologist.

Exploitation is fine because the employee is very poor back home, according to her employer? And you trust the employer’s word on this because she’s also from the Philippines?

It's not apologist, it's realist.

I've been dropped into situations that I wasn't socially prepared for at work before, and it's embarrassing. It's even more embarrassing when someone starts making a big deal of it.

This nanny is a person, a human, she has opinions and feelings, deciding for her that she should be offended by sleeping on an airbed (how would you feel about room sharing? I shared a room with the woman above - we all room-shared, it was totally normal at the company) is infantilising, and offensive.

It's not exploitation to be employed on the normal terms for a place. Just because they are different to the terms you consider normal. Other places have other customs and laws - and you can hold opinions, but so can the people subject to them.

As I said. It's likely the nanny will be fine with it as long as you are reasonable about what is being asked, and pay her for that work (and give reasonable time off)

chunkyBoo · 17/11/2025 06:48

Tricky one, I’d hate it personally. I think the other concern is that she’ll ask you all to chip in for her travel / salary so if get that sorted out before the holiday

shhblackbag · 17/11/2025 07:03

outerspacepotato · 15/11/2025 12:14

I would have no part of a holiday with someone who would treat the WOC employee like a slave. She won't provide a bed for the nanny and expects her to take on multiple extra children when she says boo.

Fuck that and fuck vacationing with someone who treats their minority workers like shit.

Agree. I wouldn't be going.

FenceBooksCycle · 17/11/2025 07:17

ACatNamedRobin · 17/11/2025 00:33

@FenceBooksCycle
Sure how is this different from say there being a housekeeper with the villa?
Or a hotel waiter at a hotel?

Some people work in hospitality, so they'll be working when others are on holidays, and providing services for them.

It's totally different because the nanny is part of the group. She's not staff who lives in the vicinity doing her job for guests. She's a guest too bit sleeping on a blow up mattress in the study and subservient to the other guests.

Cloudysky81 · 17/11/2025 07:37

She will have to ensure that the nanny’s pay and working conditions are acceptable in Spain.
If she’s also looking after your children, you may also have a responsibility to her.

The blow up bed would be the main issue for me. It would seem to demonstrate to your children that some people are more worthy then others.

LilyTheLD77 · 17/11/2025 07:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

columnatedruinsdomino · 17/11/2025 08:23

Whose bathroom is this poor woman supposed to be sharing with? I bet it's not her employer. How are her meal times going to be managed with everyone around? I would be embarrassed to have to share a holiday like this and pretend it was ok.

goingoffonatangentagain · 17/11/2025 09:21

The references to 'things being done differently' in Saudi Arabia and the Philippines are complete red herrings.

The moment the nanny enters Spain, she becomes subject to Spanish and EU labour laws on working hours, breaks, minimum wage, and safe accommodation.

A blow-up bed in a study is not legal accommodation for an employee in Spain or most of Europe. Employment contracts require reasonable and private housing.

Putting the nanny in a non-private room compromises her right to rest and privacy, which is a legal breach.

This accommodation is objectively exploitative, regardless of the nanny's personal opinion or traditional customs.

The type of visa the nanny uses to enter Spain must be compliant with the work she is performing. If she is performing work as a private domestic employee in Spain without the correct Spanish work authorisation, the employers are employing an undocumented worker and forcing her to violate the terms of her entry.

Of course if she were to take part on the holiday as a holiday and perk of her job, that is absolutely fine - but she must be on holiday and absolutely not taking care of any children, cooking meals or helping out in any way that could be interpreted as work. (All other adults would of course be expected to pitch in domestically, but then their relationships with each other are family-based or friendship-based, not employer-employee based - the holiday isn't a perk of their job.)

In other words, if she is entering only as a travelling family member and not working, then she should not be doing any childcare.

Even if the visa were correct, if there were any expectation of one nanny to look after all the children of a multi-family group for a week, this would go far beyond the normal terms of a single domestic contract - massive scope creep that requires a new contract, clear limits, and drastically increased pay. It is exploitative to expect an exponential increase in workload without commensurate compensation and contractual change.

Denial of autonomy is not infantilising or 'saviourism'. The concern is not that the nanny should be offended, but that the power dynamic prevents her from safely expressing unhappiness or refusal, or requesting a renegotiation of her contract, especially if she relies on the employer for her visa and housing.

Simply 'paying her for that work' would be insufficient. Even if the visa permitted it, wages must meet the Spanish minimum wage with reasonable time off, minimum rest periods and maximum working hours.

The bigger point is legal risk and human rights violation, rather than personal feelings, expectations or local customs in Saudi Arabia or South Easy Asia. The OP's instincts are right. This situation raises ethical and legal red flags.

LilyTheLD77 · 17/11/2025 10:08

Blow up beds are perfectly legal in the EU.

If someone is happy to sleep on one then it's up not to you or the Spanish government to tell them they can't.

Some understanding of basic law would go a long way here

goingoffonatangentagain · 17/11/2025 10:59

The question isn’t whether an inflatable mattress is legal. It’s whether the whole arrangement is compatible with Spanish labour and immigration law.

Under Spanish law, all workers have the following rights.

Dignity and privacy: Article 4.2 of the Estatuto de los Trabajadores recognises the right to “intimidad” and to the “consideración debida a su dignidad” in the employment relationship (see BOE-A-2015-11430 Real Decreto Legislativo 2/2015, de 23 de octubre, por el que se aprueba el texto refundido de la Ley del Estatuto de los Trabajadores.).

And breaches of dignity/privacy are classed as a very serious infraction in the sanctions law: LISOS, art. 8.11: 'Los actos del empresario que fueren contrarios al respeto de la intimidad y consideración debida a la dignidad de los trabajadores' (see BOE-A-2000-15060 Real Decreto Legislativo 5/2000, de 4 de agosto, por el que se aprueba el texto refundido de la Ley sobre Infracciones y Sanciones en el Orden Social.).

Safe and decent conditions: Domestic work in private homes is regulated by Real Decreto 1620/2011 and later reforms. The householder is obliged to ensure the work is done in appropriate conditions of safety and hygiene, and domestic workers have minimum rights to daily and weekly rest (see BOE-A-2011-17975 Real Decreto 1620/2011, de 14 de noviembre, por el que se regula la relación laboral de carácter especial del servicio del hogar familiar.).

Health & safety: Real Decreto 893/2024 specifically gives household workers the right to effective protection in health and safety, and requires a risk assessment by the employer, with fines for non-compliance (see BOE-A-2024-18182 Real Decreto 893/2024, de 10 de septiembre, por el que se regula la protección de la seguridad y la salud en el ámbito del servicio del hogar familiar.).

A nanny from the Philippines is a third-country national. Non-EU/EEA nationals need a work permit/visa to work legally in Spain; a tourist stay does not authorise work. If the nanny is in Spain on a non-work visa, caring for several families’ children, with no Spanish employment contract or Social Security registration, that is very close to undeclared work, which is treated as a serious offence with significant fines.

The concern isn’t 'mattress policing', but recognising that migrant domestic workers are legally entitled to dignity, privacy, rest and proper registration.

A set-up where a worker sleeps on a blow-up bed in a study, in a foreign country, while informally watching all the kids for multiple families, will be out of line with those protections.

BOE-A-2000-15060 Real Decreto Legislativo 5/2000, de 4 de agosto, por el que se aprueba el texto refundido de la Ley sobre Infracciones y Sanciones en el Orden Social.

https://www.boe.es/buscar/act.php?id=BOE-A-2000-15060

Phoenixfire1988 · 17/11/2025 11:29

Imagine not even being able to look after your own kids without a nanny 😐 and then sticking the poor woman on an air bed in a study so not wven her own private room dear me i actually could not be friends with someone like that at all .