To not want my friends nanny on holiday with us?

[Hungryhippos123]

We are meeting in Spain in May half term- me and my kids, a friend who lives in spain with her two kids and a friend from KSA who has 2 kids (just mums and kids- all age 5-10 and get on well!).
Our friend from KSA has just told us she plans to bring her nanny/maid with her. Shes a lovely Filipino lady (I have never met her but friend raves about her) as friend wants help with the kids.
I find it really uncomfortable and dont know why or if I should say no. I get that help is nice but we will all be there and her kids arent naughty or anything just normal kids! She said her nanny can help with all the kids and cook etc which I know is her norm but I find really uncomfortable. The whole dynamic will feel different and I will feel bad that the nanny will be sleeping in an office room on a blow up bed (again friend said would be fine).
AIBU? Should I just enjoy the extra help or would it bother you?

I agree with you but think it would be better to focus on the dynamic angle when approaching your friend, ie saying you would prefer it was just you friends and children rather than bringing an employee. If she brings her anyway then, if it was me, I would insist that the nanny didn't do any cooking/babysitting for me or my children.

This is how I felt reading the OP post, doesn't matter how people justify it, it makes me feel uncomfortable, I feel the same about my family in South Africa, because its not my norm.

I would appreciate if you could explain what you mean by this?

I wouldn't be comfortable - she's farming out the nanny to look after more children because she knows the woman won't have a choice but to smile and take on the extra work. Maybe not quite modern slavery but in the neighbourhood.

I think yanbu and I would pull out of the holiday. There's a totally different dynamic in a situation where friends are enjoying a holiday together vs a hierarchical situation where one of the adults is in a servant role, working their job and not on holiday at all. It would nake me feel really uncomfortable and unable to relax and I don't think it would be at all good for the children to be shown so bluntly that the ideals of equality and fairness are actually just lipservice.

Aside from the general issues around migrant labour treatment in the Middle East of which I share your concerns. I would imagine the nanny would jump at the chance to experience Spain for a bit rather than Saudi. Also if you’re concerned about her bed situation you can always swap with her.

if your friend was a reasonable employer then she wouldn’t make the nanny sleep on a blow up bed. Instead she’d offer for her to stay in a local hotel.

But their employers could give them a week off while they go on holiday to Spain though.

I understand that your friend having a nanny is all very normal for her. However, I would feel awkward that the Nanny's work load is being increased and she's having to sleep on a blow-up bed in an office - I suspect without her knowledge and she'll just have to lump it. Often staff, as this Nanny is likely viewed, aren't always given much thought or consideration too. The property should be able to accommodate the Nanny, in a proper bed in her own room. She should be getting some 'down time' and be paid additionally on top of her normal salary for the fact her workload has just increased. I doubt any of that will happen. Your friend wants to bring her Nanny, because she's not used to looking after her own children, and likely doesn't want too. I'd feel awkward too, but you can't dictate what your friend does or if the other people take up the help.

I would honestly be rethinking my friendship with someone who has bought into the whole KSA lifestyle to the extent that she’s happy to adopt the exploitative system of hired help. I’ve seen what it’s like there, and I wouldn’t be able enjoy a holiday in that situation.

A week off for a single woman in bloody KSA?

Lovely 🙄

Where is KSA?

They could. But a free holiday to Spain might actually be fun too. There’s no way she’d be able to go otherwise and maybe she wants to travel

How crass. I have travelled and I understand the heirarchical dynamic. I would not feel comfortable with a nanny looking after my children unless I was paying her myself. Educate yourself on modern slavery. I know it exists but I would not personally want to be a party to it, because I don't treat others as lesser.

It refers to the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia

I wouldn't feel comfortable either. I spent a bit of time in Hong Kong and observed how locals (and sometimes expats) treat Filipino nannies/maids. Not as extreme, as KSA but nevertheless, it is dumping whole household on a woman who has to sleep on the floor in children's bedroom (due to extremelly tiny size of apartments) and gets ~half-day off per week.
I do understand your friend is not used to looking after her children, and feels helpless in the situation where she might need to (plus she doesn't want to leave the nanny with her husband as sexual abuse of filipino maids is a very common and known problem ), so not even sure what cpuld make her do this holiday without her help.

I had to have a maid in the ME. I worked and it’s realistically the only available childcare.

I had many deep conversations with her and can confirm that of all the options available to her she was extremely happy to have her job. She was a childless older widow from India. That said, I would never have brought her on holiday. That’s family time. When we were away our maid did a bit of housekeeping but basically got a break.

Too many migrants to the ME get very used to having help. I’ve posted on here before about when I had one of the DC’s friends over after school. Boy was from a Lebanese family and DD’s bestie. I picked him up from school and his mum was there with TWO maids. Said it would be too much for me to look after 4 children. Really weird. I tried to say I’d be fine but she was insistent. Maybe nervous about my capabilities!

I spent the afternoon and evening with these two polite Indonesian women who didn’t speak much English and stressing about what to feed them. Ridiculous.

As an interesting aside. I once asked my maid about how she’d chosen to apply for the role. It was postcards in supermarkets then. She said the supermarket workers would hold back ads for good jobs (western families) and she’d paid to get first dibs if any came up. She also paid to get out of her contract with the ME agency who has originally sponsored her. It’s hard for them.

Travelling to Spain will be seen as a perk for the Nanny. But she needs her own bed and her regular time off otherwise it will be seen as exploitative. Your friend is not treating her as a professional domestic worker. Ask your friend if this is the case?

Or she could enjoy her holiday in Spain without having a week of servitude and caring for 6 children, you are eye rolling as if these families are their savours and "we" don't understand.

Yikes, "trouser a bit extra"? What a vimit inducing comment

The nanny very likely won’t get to “holiday” at all. She’ll be busy with housework or childcare the entire time, but with children who are extra hyped up and in an unfamiliar place. It’ll be no fun for her at all. I was a nanny for a very rich Greek family and all their poor Filipino workers were run ragged. It’s horrible to see, but unfortunately the workers put up with it as they still get paid much better than they do back home. And even I, who was treated much better, absolutely hated the trips we did, despite staying in lovely places it was extremely stressful.

It’s weird on so many levels, but just thinking about the day to day: you and other friend would get up and be in kitchen sorting out breakfast and talking amongst yourselves about the day and the plans. Where will this KSA friend be? Sitting on the terrace with a coffee while her nanny sorts out her kids?

You go out for the day, you and other friend carrying stuff for kids and selves, chattering with each other and all children…third friend is wafting along next to you while her children are looked after by nanny who’s trailing behind?

You go out to eat: is nanny sitting with you, with KSA kids? What is third friend going to be doing while first two friends are dealing with meals and showers and actually being with your children?