To not want my friends nanny on holiday with us?

[Hungryhippos123]

We are meeting in Spain in May half term- me and my kids, a friend who lives in spain with her two kids and a friend from KSA who has 2 kids (just mums and kids- all age 5-10 and get on well!).
Our friend from KSA has just told us she plans to bring her nanny/maid with her. Shes a lovely Filipino lady (I have never met her but friend raves about her) as friend wants help with the kids.
I find it really uncomfortable and dont know why or if I should say no. I get that help is nice but we will all be there and her kids arent naughty or anything just normal kids! She said her nanny can help with all the kids and cook etc which I know is her norm but I find really uncomfortable. The whole dynamic will feel different and I will feel bad that the nanny will be sleeping in an office room on a blow up bed (again friend said would be fine).
AIBU? Should I just enjoy the extra help or would it bother you?

I have employed a nanny in the past! And we pay a cleaner, pool man and gardeners now. I clearly stated in my first post that I have no problem with people employing employing nannies or paying for domestic help.

The evidence that this nanny is being exploited is that she isn’t being given a bedroom and will sleep on a blow-up on the office floor; her employer is telling her friends this nanny will also cook and help with all (minimum 6) young children. That is not something a nanny in the U.K. would do.

Our nannies had their own room with sitting area, TV, own bathroom, above minimum wage pay, limited hours and strictly limited jobs: taking care of my daughter and preparing DD’s food when we were at work and clearing up after DD. They didn’t cook for us, we usually cooked for them unless they wanted to so their own thing; do our laundry; or clean beyond clearing up after DD. They had paid holiday and a contract and were making NI contributions.

Years later we had two au-pairs over 5 years. The remuneration was less than for a nanny and there was no NI but the set up was very similar except their hours were much fewer. There is no way I’d have expected or asked them to come on holiday with us to sleep on a blowup mattress and look after my mates kids and mine and also cook! We did go on U.K. short breaks with both of them but they weren’t working during that time. We were just showing them some beautiful parts of their host country and they had their own room at the cheap hotel we will have stayed in.

My daughter later worked as an au-pair in Spain for a Spanish family and the set up was pretty much identical.

This would bother me. I think the only way I would be okay with it is if I knew the nanny was being well compensated.

I think it depends on how often the nanny is expected to look after the kids. If your friend wants her to come with you to look after the kids on all outings that changes the dynamic of a holiday with kids, but if it is to give you a bit of downtime supervising the kids playing for an hour or two while you relax and chat with your friends, or to be at home with the kids once they are in bed so you can go out for a drink (and has free time earlier on in the day) then that could be great

It would bother me very much if I was you. Firstly because of the way that Filipino maids are treated and exploited generally but also because I can’t imagine why anyone would not want to be with their children and looking after them on holiday.

I think it’s very mean that the nanny will be made to sleep on a blow up bed and not in a proper bedroom.
I also think it’s unfair to dump a load of extra kids on her.
I hope she is OK with it and not been coerced. And that she is being paid accordingly

Also OP, if she does come and helps out with your kids, I think you and your other friend should club together and give her a bit of a holiday bonus to say thank you. She would very much appreciate sending that extra money back home.

Haven't read the full thread but the general topic suddenly reminded me of this essay: A Story of Slavery in Modern America - The Atlantic

its I think that it’s a different kind of nannying than in the uk. Its not a nanny for when the mum isn’t there it’s when the mum or dad are there the nanny is still looking after the child.

I’ve seen it a lot in Asia and it always, to me, seems a really odd and uncomfortable dynamic for all concerned. There was one young couple with a baby, nanny pushing the pram and the couple walking hand in hand whilst she did that. Or the Nanny’s at hotel breakfasts getting the kids food and feeding them with mum and dad sat next to the child just completely ignoring both the child and the nanny. It’s probably because I liked doing the stuff they are doing as I worked full time . Best one was two children and a nanny for each child.

I think the blow up bed thing is a bit of a red herring.

Is it ‘she’s lesser than us so it doesn’t matter’ or is it ‘we booked a house big enough for X people, but if I bring the nanny there is an office we could set up another bed in’. If the bed is the main sticking point, there may be a room they could swap her into - plenty of adults and children asked to sleep on blow up beds on holidays, so they could do that instead.

I think if I were OP I’d be asking what exactly the nanny is being signed up to, and wanting to give them a bonus as a thank you.

I wouldn't like it. I'm not against having a nanny. One of my dear friends is one. But this feels very exploitative, as I'd expect really from a family in the middle east with a Filipino "nanny".

I'm such a judgey-pants that I would judge someone just for living in the 'KSA'! 😁

Just say, no thanx.
You don’t need to back that up with various tongue twisting reasons. At most, say you’ll be more holiday & relaxed if there are only folk you actually know in the ‘group’/whatever term you use for your buddies.
Hope you have a lovely time ☺️.

We have a nanny. We wouldn’t take her on holiday as she needs her own time off. If she did come on holiday to work she would:

• have her own bedroom and private space
• look after only our children
• Not be providing other domestic help
• Be paid an additional amount to compensate for being away from home

If I wanted or needed someone to cook for me, I’d hire a chef.

I don’t think you can object to your friend bringing her, but I would ensure she has a proper room, that she isn’t cooking for anyone except the kids and that if she is occasionally looking after extra children she is being paid extra accordingly. I would expect you to pay her for looking after your kids.

I suppose the crux of the issue is that you don’t feel this arrangement is fair on the nanny and that she had had free choice to agree / disagree. This would also make me uncomfortable

Yer, the blow up bed says it all. If she was bringing the nanny along, the nanny would help out but also get days off, evenings out somewhere nice, it would be different.

I worked as an aupair and used to go on holidays. I wouldn't mind having a few extra kids so the parents get a break or to babysit in the evenings, make dinner a couple of nights. But would also expect a nice bedroom, time off to enjoy the destination both in the day and evenings and to be included in activities & meals out.

Im not sure you can do anything if she wants to bring her. Maybe mention you feel uncomfortable with the blow up bed, ask what days she'll be working vs which she'll have off so you can work out a good itinerary?

You can't dictate I'm afraid but you are definitely not being unreasonable to feel very uncomfortable about it.

Personally I really dislike people who have servants, no matter how well they may claim to treat them or pretend that they are 'one of the family' and would not be friends, let along going on holiday with them.

@MidnightPatrol - and no, I don’t consider any of my jobs to have been exploitative. I have been paid a fair wage, I have had contracts and was protected against unfair dismissal as I enjoy full employment rights. I am eligible for sickness pay and maternity leave, both of which I benefited from and my employers could not give my job away while I was absent. Whilst at work my employers have to maintain a safe environment for me that isn’t prejudicial to my health or wellbeing.

For that matter I don’t think miners are exploited in the U.K. now. It’s relatively dangerous and skilled work and well paid.

I don't know whether you should say anything or what but I totally understand your reluctance. They're treating her very poorly.

Agree and this is how I operated with my Filipino nanny. She could come or have time off AND I paid for her to fly home once a year. She was with us ten years, came back to the uk with me and is now a British citizen. We had a very symbiotic relationship, her and I were both single parents so the salary got her son through college etc. I needed her so I could work.

OP I think your concern is coming from a good place, a welfare one. So I would ask your friend about those things. Be clear you are not happy about the nanny not having a proper room or bathroom to herself.

I think it’s odd that some people don’t think OP can say no just based on having an extra person? Would the responses be the same if OP had said her friend now wanted to bring her mum along, but had been really looking forward to being away with her friends & kids, & felt that having another adult not friends with the rest of the holiday party would change the dynamic?

The difference is that if you were bringing your sister to help with the kids, you would expect her to be included in activities, meals, conversations etc. In this case it would change the dynamic.
It’s not the same with an employee, they won’t expect to be included in this type of things - usually they eat with the children for example. And once the children are in bed (or busy doing an activity), they usually want to do their own thing.

I have taken nannies on days out and holidays with friends and what happened is that they were looking mostly after my kids but would also help out generally, very much like you do when in a group. She wasn’t responsible for the other kids though.

I also have been the one with no nanny when my friends had one, and no issues either, just nice to have an extra pair of hands in the group.

I wouldn’t like it and my first choice would be to try to persuade the friend not to bring her. But if she insisted I would treat her with respect, try not to add to her work load, and I would suggest that you and other friend give her a big cash tip (privately and discretely).
The domestic service situation is one of the many many reasons I would not live in KSA myself.

Yes, I agree. It’s not simply that I don’t want my friend’s servant on a joint holiday (because ‘nanny’ is a misnomer aimed at aggrandising her employer — this woman is a servant), I don’t want another person at all.

I appreciate what people are saying but I can't afford to give this poor lady a load of cash! I have saved for this holiday. I of course would not ask her or accept her if offered to mind the kids/cook meals etc etc and thats why I would prefer her not to be there- inevitably she would end up helping out but I can't afford to give her what I would consider reasonable for a nanny salary for a week (which is why I dont have one!).

Never seen it

This 100pc