To not want my friends nanny on holiday with us?

[Hungryhippos123]

We are meeting in Spain in May half term- me and my kids, a friend who lives in spain with her two kids and a friend from KSA who has 2 kids (just mums and kids- all age 5-10 and get on well!).
Our friend from KSA has just told us she plans to bring her nanny/maid with her. Shes a lovely Filipino lady (I have never met her but friend raves about her) as friend wants help with the kids.
I find it really uncomfortable and dont know why or if I should say no. I get that help is nice but we will all be there and her kids arent naughty or anything just normal kids! She said her nanny can help with all the kids and cook etc which I know is her norm but I find really uncomfortable. The whole dynamic will feel different and I will feel bad that the nanny will be sleeping in an office room on a blow up bed (again friend said would be fine).
AIBU? Should I just enjoy the extra help or would it bother you?

How is a nanny a servant. A free holiday a decent wage. Its called being an employee

I would have no part of a holiday with someone who would treat the WOC employee like a slave. She won't provide a bed for the nanny and expects her to take on multiple extra children when she says boo.

Fuck that and fuck vacationing with someone who treats their minority workers like shit.

Employees get proper beds.

Do you really think a Nanny isn't a servant? Being treated well should be a minimum but they are still Servants.

Yup. And who is cooking, will the nanny be happy eating food cooked by OP and sitting around with her friends or is she expected to vanish? It wouldn’t be for me.

I would maybe be considerate if the Nanny was put up in her own accommodation. Including a bed.

You are so right! You are right 100% and the friend is an arsehole if she thinks this is acceptable. However, a word of warning. I had a great friend, totally into social justice, wonderful person. In the early 1990s she went on a holiday to Greece where in a boutique hotel an Albanian dad was employed as a refugee. He had a family visiting him, staying in servant's quarters, and his little girl squatted and peed by the swimming pool, after which the Greek owner screamed at the girl, screamed at the father and made a scene, shouting. My friend witnessed it and called the Albanian father and the little girl to her table by the swimming pool, made the Greek owner bring a juice for the girl and a coffee for the Albanian dad (groundsman he was I think). After that she insisted, every day (4 remaining days or so) on buying coffee and juice for the dad and the little girl at her and her husband's table, to show the horrid hotel owner that he should not have behaved that way. The owner duly complied, smiled and brought coffees and juice, etc. I don't know for sure, but I am ready to bet anything the groundsman was sacked after my social justice loving friend was gone. I am almost 100% confident. Don't make trouble for the nanny, please by your virtue signalling.

Luxury beliefs, which may make you feel nice in Islington, but have little relevance to how a huge majority of the world’s population actually lives.

Saying that I don't think the Nanny we are talking about is just a Nanny.

Why on earth would OP save for a holiday and then spend it on an office floor to accommodate a woman she doesn’t want there? I’d rather stay home.

Treating brown women like equals isn't a luxury belief.

Sorry, but I’d be saying you are not happy with a) the horrendous expectation that this employee can make do with a blow up bed in an office and b) the assumption that you’d be happy for her to increase her load by taking care of your children too so - on this basis, as you don’t agree with exploitation of workers - you are afraid you won’t be able to join them after all.

Sorry, but the proposal reveals the other party is rather despicable and utterly lacking in respect for her nanny and also for the parenting values of other people (the OP, specifically).

This is why I’ve never gone on holiday with another family though - there are always value differences that become contentious.

i had a great nanny job where if I went on holiday I was treated well with proper bed etc and extra pay, time off. If the kids needed me during the night extra pay for that too.
even though I cooked for kids at home I wasn’t expected to on holiday as we ate out, and if with other families all the parents cooked since they were eating too.
I was basically just there to watch the kids when the parents wanted adult time.
also all the grandparents were all so good to me - they said I was looking after the kids which made me the most important and that I had to be looked after too 😊

You're even more ignorant that I thought, equating Islington to anything even vaguely left wing these days. That was an insult maybe 30 years ago? And I live a very long way from there, anyway.

I would object to it, your friend obviously thinks she's great and wants to take her on holiday and that's fine she can, but she wants to bring her on a holiday that's yours as well, that's different altogether. She & her children are fine with it because they're familiar with each other but YOU & your children don't know her, why should you have a stranger around if it makes you feel so uncomfortable. You're meant to be on a relaxing holiday, I would find it awkward.

It doesn't matter if it's routine for someone else.

"This is the way it's always been so that's the way it will always be"

Nah.

Unfortunately the vast majority of Filipino nannies (particularly one employed in KSA), will not be treated the way you were. She will be working non-stop for no extra pay in an unfamiliar setting. She will not get time off to explore (if she does it’ll be very brief).

@Hungryhippos123 Your OP refers to Nanny/ Maid. So is the word Nanny' being used incorrectly? She sounds possibly more like a home help? Is she even qualified to be able to be a nanny?

I'm coming at this from a point of view of the potential dynamics of the group. If I were in your position, I think that I would ask your friend how is thinking how things will work while you are all away, in more detail?

It'll clearly be a problem if your friend plans on not parenting her children at all for spells during the day - and expects you and your other friend to do the same. She won't be happy if you and your friend from Spain don't want to use the Philipino lady because then you'll be with your kids when she wants quiet time/ booze time (whatever) away from children

I do think whichever way it goes you need to chat to this friend and get a lot more detail? Including her arrangements for paying her employee if they do watch the children/ do most of the cooking?

Yeah, I guess I was being naive. I'm just imagining how I'd treat a nanny on holiday. Of course there would be work but she'd also have plenty of time to herself. I'd treat her like a family member almost. But yeah, not all people are probably like that. And I've never had a nanny so don't really know much about it.

That's the actual reality isn't it? Being grateful to have job, especially that kind of job, doesn't justify treating them poorly. It's not lawful to employ people to work 12+ hours perw day in service with one half day off a week (or sometimes a month) any more for a reason. And we know they're not paid in line with the demands.

I think i would say something. I would feel super uncomfortable with this too.

YABU. It’s your friends nanny and hardly a holiday for her if she’s having to take on more responsibility and chores than she would when she is at home.

I would find it very uncomfortable but your decision is whether to go or cancel.

Maybe that’s the way to approach it?

Message friend and say it’s lovely her nanny is available to help her but you can’t afford the wage for yours to be included on top of the holiday. Say it’s a shame the kids won’t be together all week.

If her plan is for nanny to have all kids open up a dialogue into whether that’s in exchange for extra days off to explore Spain (eg 1 days work = 3 as 3 lots of kids)

If the nanny does a few days with all children and is happy with that in exchange for time to have a holiday/ explore herself it could end up being a good deal for everyone.

Bit no way would I be complicit in her sleeping in an airbed in an office and having 3 times as many children to care for all week. As said above that’s exploitation.