To not want my friends nanny on holiday with us?

[Hungryhippos123]

We are meeting in Spain in May half term- me and my kids, a friend who lives in spain with her two kids and a friend from KSA who has 2 kids (just mums and kids- all age 5-10 and get on well!).
Our friend from KSA has just told us she plans to bring her nanny/maid with her. Shes a lovely Filipino lady (I have never met her but friend raves about her) as friend wants help with the kids.
I find it really uncomfortable and dont know why or if I should say no. I get that help is nice but we will all be there and her kids arent naughty or anything just normal kids! She said her nanny can help with all the kids and cook etc which I know is her norm but I find really uncomfortable. The whole dynamic will feel different and I will feel bad that the nanny will be sleeping in an office room on a blow up bed (again friend said would be fine).
AIBU? Should I just enjoy the extra help or would it bother you?

Are you trying to be amusing? (If so, you failed.)

You’re quite the apologist, aren’t you, @MidnightPatrol? First on the empire thread, where you know :’more than the average person’, and now you’re an expert on Filipina migrant workers and the kafala system in KSA. I’d be asking myself some questions, in your shoes.

I think there is a lot said and a lot unsaid in this to. Clearly your friend knows that this is potentially uncomfortable and has offered to 'share' her nanny as a sweetener - I think that gives you scope to say you would rather not as you couldn't be comfortable.

That being said, it could completely transform your holiday with the opportunity to make use of childcare and have an extra pair of eyes. You decide how you take up that offer - and perhaps factoring in extra-pay, tipping or a babysitting fee if you want to head out for the evening would be a way of ensuring there isn't any 'exploitation' going on. Kids are a chore at times and holidaying with them can quickly become holidaying them... no judgement on those who need some self-care.

For me it would be about how I felt and my own interaction with that rather than the arrangements my friend has made - as long as it was legal and above board. You can decide if and how.

Maybe international travel is considered as a perk by the nanny. She needs her own bedroom (and bed!) though.

The nanny is probably no such thing, more a domestic servant back in the KSA household.

I do hate it when Brits abroad behave like to the manor born when they can get their hands on some cheap labour.

I too would be uncomfortable being on holiday with a woman who is basically being brought to Spain to skivvy for others, and has to sleep in an office on a blow-up bed. You wouldn't expect this of a British nanny, particularly taking on the kids of another two families!

A pp has said that Filipina women are pragmatic about having to work abroad to support their families back home - believe me many are very resentful of having to do so.

Very normal in that neck of the woods to have a housekeeper. My friend lives in Dubai, no kids and employs a full time Filipino lady who cleans, cooks and takes care of the pets. She doesn’t bring her on holiday but I imagine if she had kids she might do.
It does feel exploitative but actually these people are paid well and live in relative luxury, at least my friends HK does, she has her own suite in their very large house and is treated as one of the family.
I felt uncomfortable when I first visited and she offered to make me breakfast but actually this is her job, which she is paid to do and going on holiday with the family would probably be quite a nice treat for her.
I think I’d be ok with it and if she did look after me kids I would be sure to pay her additionally and make sure she gets some time off to enjoy herself.

A different friend is a carer, in England to a disabled woman. She’s been on holiday with her as her carer and loves it! Yes it’s work but it’s also a free holiday and she gets to explore a bit in her down time

White Lotus 5

Well a "nanny" working in Saudi, isn't a nanny in the UK sense is she. She's a poorly paid housekeeper/chilcare/cook. She will just do as she is told as she needs to support her family in the Philippines. I would be incredibly uncomfortable with this.
One of the many reasons I won't go to the UAE, Saudi, etc

I had a family member who lived in UAE and help is the "norm" i think they are judged if they don't have a "nice fillapino lady".

It would bother me as it seems your friend is exploiting her nanny, assuming she won’t mind babysitting multiple kids, sleeping on a camp bed and seemingly waiting on you all, it sounds like your friend has forgotten (assuming she is Western European) about treating household staff as professionals rather a servant. I know it’s normal out there but it in a long line of things I think is wrong about the Middle East. My friend’s sister (Filipino) was a maid in Qatar, was terrible and a charity got her out

Completely agree, it would bother me so much, I doubt I would actually be friends with your friend. It’s so clear from what you say that the nanny will be treated as a second class citizen, and expecting her to cook and take on four extra children is just exploitation.

I wouldn't be happy about that either and I wouldn't want the nanny to look after my children or cook for me.
I would be very uncomfortable with the Expectation that she sleeps in an office on a blow up bed

Also for anyone who doesn’t know divorce is illegal in the phillipines. Some of these women are literally escaping their husbands and need these jobs

Plenty of people have discussed the aspect of exploitation involved, but even if the nanny were not being exploited, it changes the dynamic, and you lose the intimacy of mums and kids with no one else. I wouldn't want to go.

I agree with you OP. This nanny will be doing work for all of you, however much you try and prevent it. You will then feel
bad.

Your friend has got used to being waited on.

This Filipina woman has accepted her lot in life. Ofc she would rather be with her own family.

This is exploitative and I would make the nanny having her own proper room and bed a dealbreaker.

I think I’d let her come. Try and get a proper bed though.

i’d be keeping a close eye on the dynamic- and in particular where the nanny’s passport it.

biggest red flag is if the “employer” keeps the passport, locks it in a safe, or otherwise keeps it from the nanny, even “for safekeeping”.

any hint of modern slavery and I’d be passing her resources.

your friend may not even realise as it’s the norm, and many convince themselves the staff have a good life.

i work with asylum seekers and you’d be surprised the amount of “housekeepers” and “nannys” seize the chance to travel abroad to the EU and abscond. The families are always convinced they’re happy and something must have happened to them- but their passports are locked away where the nanny cannot access it, so they are not travelling freely.

Many people holiday in groups including grandparents in the hope and expectation that the hard working parents are offered some babysitting to have a much deserved day or evening or two off. Likewise many people use holiday clubs etc. How us using a nanny different?

Employment law.

I wouldn’t be uncomfortable with the concept of the nanny coming per se, but I would be deeply uncomfortable that they think it’s ok to treat her like shit. Sleeping on the floor on a blow up mattress indeed. If they can afford a nanny they can afford an extra bedroom for her.

I know exactly how you feel and I would feel the same way. However sometimes our best efforts to bring equality into action can have the most awful consequences for those we are most concerned with. Leave things as they are, don't interfere.

Nanny needs a proper bed! That your friend thinks a blow up bed is acceptable for a member of staff speaks volumes, and I'd be questioning the holiday and friedship with them all together.

It wouldn’t bother me having a nanny come, it would actually be quite helpful if you’d all like to go out for an adult dinner, drinks etc. But then I had a live-in nanny or au pair live in our house with us for a decade when our kids were small. Sometimes they came on holiday with us, sometimes they didn’t, it was entirely their choice and usually depended on whether they fancied going to the country we were going to.

That said, she should at least have her own proper bedroom and bathroom and appropriate time off over the holiday.

Nice personal attack! How dare someone provide another view!

I don’t think ‘not everything that happened as a result of empire was bad, while acknowledging many terrible things happened’ nor ‘not all domestic workers are abused and exploited victims of modern slavery’ are particularly controversial views, but ok.

There is nuance in all these debates.

I mean did your staff sleep on a blow up bed and look after the other children and cook meals did they get breaks ?

It wouldn't bother me in terms of having another, unknown adult there.
It would bother me that the nanny would not be treated considerately. A blow up bed is not acceptable in the workplace and it would not be fair on her to have a huge amount of extra work, unless she has been offered much higher pay.

Not sure I’d want to spend time with a friend who employs a maid let alone go on holiday with the maid. I wouldn’t want the poor woman serving me and I definitely wouldn’t agree to her sleeping on an air bed.

Why is your friend living in the ME?