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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband refuses to see that him going to work is a "break".

314 replies

Crybabydumplin · 14/11/2025 17:43

My husband works full time. I'm currently on maternity leave with a 5 month old.

He has just returned from a three day conference where we he stayed in a hotel. He went to a pub quiz one night and had dinner with colleagues the other. He also has some leaving drinks planned for a colleague one week after work next week and recently spent a Friday night with his brother at the pub whilst I stayed at home.

This conference was the first time I had the baby to myself completely with no support and I managed fine but it wasn't easy.

When he got back, I was desperate for some me time and suggested that I would go for a run and have some time by myself (2 hours or so). He proposed that once I get back he should have some time by himself too.

In the politest way I could, I say that him proposing time by himself one day after coming back from a three day conference felt like a slap in the face.

He flew off the handle and is adamant that it was work and not a break. I tried explaining I meant a break from the baby and responsibilities. He got to have dinner by himself, shower, socialise etc which I don't get to do. He said that I should just ask if I want a break and that I'm the one that always wants to spend time with the baby.

Isn't it normal for all mums to one minute be obsessed with their baby and then the next think god I could do with a breather? Both can exists at the same time.

My only break is the runs that I do on his days off.

I am building up to leaving the baby for the first time so I can go out for drinks with a friend.

I proposed that he does one night feed a week so the baby gets used to him doing it too. That way i will feel more comfortable when I'm out knowing the baby will feed comfortably with him. He's not happy about it and said it should be a one off because once a week will have a knock on effect on his sleep.

Am I being unreasonable or is he just not getting it?

OP posts:
MattCauthon · 14/11/2025 17:46

He's dick.

Yes, a conference or whatever is tiring, even if its also fun. But its not the same. And while he was at this conference you were on duty 24/7.

BreakfastClubBlues · 14/11/2025 17:50

It hasn't yet dawned on him that 'the baby' is not a solo project of yours and he is equally responsible.

His comments about the night feeds are laughable.

Arlanymor · 14/11/2025 17:50

He's not getting it.

When I go away for work it's definitely not a break - you have to be 'on' all the time, even if you are in a social setting, it's not relaxing.

But you need time to yourself and you should be able to ask for this and be given it. I wouldn't compare your days to one another, just ask for some time alone/or to socialise with friends and he is equally entitled to ask for the same.

It's about recharging as a person, doing what you enjoy, less about what 'work' constitutes or doesn't. You both currently do different 'jobs', but you both need an outlet, whatever that looks like. I think it needs a different conversation which is framed in this way, otherwise it gets so tit for tat which is unhelpful.

PS. And he's being a dickhead about the night feeds.

MidnightPatrol · 14/11/2025 17:50

I found it very difficult at this stage to not totally resent my DH having any kind of independent social life.

They don’t get it though, particularly if you are breastfeeding.

Whaleandsnail6 · 14/11/2025 17:50

I disagree that going to work is a break. Ok, so its not being home with the baby but work is certainly not a break

I do agree with you that there needs to be a better labour division.

There is no reason at all that he can't do either a Friday or Saturday night and you also each take a turn of a weekend lie in.

Also, you both deserve time away from the baby/work to have "me time" to do with as you please. Definitely make time for yourself to go for a run/have a bath/read a book etc (if you aren't ready to leave baby yet) just as dh is going to his leaving do and the pub

ScaryM0nster · 14/11/2025 17:51

Neither were a break. They were both almost certainly hard work and draining in different ways. However, handily, in both cases - doing something different for both of you will be a break from what you were doing.

So for him thats home alone with the child. For you, that might be the supermarket shop all by yourself and a shower solo.

Expecting him to be able to read your mind on when you’re wanting time alone and when you’re wanting to be with your baby is setting things up for a falling out. As you say rapidly switching between the two is pretty common and it’s hard enough to work out when it’s you yourself. Let alone trying to guess where another person is at any point on that scale.

On the night feed front, one a week is likely to just be hassle every time it’s done. It won’t be often enough to be normal.

Gizlotsmum · 14/11/2025 17:52

But you did ask for a break and he immediately asked for one in return? How does that help you?

goldenautumnleaves25 · 14/11/2025 17:54

I rather spend a week looking after kids by myself than 2 days at a conference. the constant organised “fun” is extremely tiring, much more than my (autistic, non sleeping silent reflux ) children could ever be!

Squirrelblanket · 14/11/2025 17:56

Work isn't a 'break' 😂. And especially not a conference where you have to be 'on' all the time with colleagues.

IThinkPink · 14/11/2025 17:56

When you both decided to have a baby how did you envisage time would be shared out? What did you talk about and agree on then?

Dontlletmedownbruce · 14/11/2025 17:58

I think there are two elements here. Yes he should do the feed without question, and you are right to plan for your night out. However I don't agree about the work, if I'm reading it right he didn't say you shouldn't have a break but that he should have one too. No its not the same as being trapped inside with a baby but a work conference with all that socialising can be exhausting and a break equal to yours is a reasonable request. I think going down the comparison route is a double edged sword. There will be days when you are meeting friends for coffee or going for gentle walks while baby sleeps and he will be really stressed at work and you don't want him accusing you of being 'off all day'. Life is difficult for both of you. If he is sharing the load in the evenings with the baby then you should be splitting the time off.

Bruisername · 14/11/2025 17:58

Having done both I agree it’s not a break but it is a break from the baby. And as the expression goes ‘a change is as good as a rest’

the danger with maternity leave is that mum can get over invested in the baby and becomes default parent with dad being helper (I was guilty for sure!). You need to ensure your DH understands that he is an equal parent and once you are back at work there is no default parent

Medexpert · 14/11/2025 17:59

I've been on both position. When I was stressed with a non sleeping colicky baby, I would have given anything to go away to a conference for 3 days.

When I had to go to overnight conferences with work, I would have given anything to be home with my baby! The exhaustion of pretending I cared and enjoyed myself, fake socialising with people I didn't care about, staying up late talking with people who had had too much to drink when all I wanted eas to be in bed, getting up and starting all over again at breakfast!

Both situations, I couldn't wait fir a break!

KimTheresPeopleThatAreDying · 14/11/2025 18:00

Work isn’t a break, it’s what keeps a roof over your heads. Being at a conference isn’t a laugh a minute if you feel you have to be “on” all the time. Having a baby isn’t easy but it isn’t his fault that you’ve chosen not to have any time away from DC in 5 months.

BonneMaman77 · 14/11/2025 18:00

He needs to help raise his own child. What’s the plan for you and work after the end of maternity leave? He should get some practice with night wakings tho! May be give him a book on raising children for Christmas!

Heronwatcher · 14/11/2025 18:02

I will admit I find going away with work tiring, even if it sounds nice. But looking after a baby is tiring too.

I do think it was a bit unreasonable to say that he couldn’t have some time to himself after your run, but I don’t see how he could possibly object to doing one night of feeds a week (I assume Fri or Sat).

We had a rule when my kids were little- each parent got one lie in a week (that was usually until about 8- then the other parent went back to bed) and, on holiday, we each got some time to ourselves (like an afternoon or evening). It was a lifesaver.

Walkden · 14/11/2025 18:02

How would you feel if he said you being on maternity leave is a "break"?

Overthewaytwice · 14/11/2025 18:04

The conference may not have been a break, but uninterrupted sleep, showers, and meals definitely were.

Unless you're exclusively breastfeeding, he should be sharing night feeds anyway. You're not at work which means the baby is your responsibility during working hours... anything outside of that is just as much his responsibility as yours.

Screwyousimon · 14/11/2025 18:05

I don't think going to work is a break. However having 3 nights in a hotel with every evening to yourself and no baby to look after is a break so YANBU to want him to step up now.

OttersMayHaveShifted · 14/11/2025 18:05

It's difficult, because who has it hardest when you're a SAHM or on ML and your partner is at work ft depends so much on the job, the age and nature of the child(ren) and your perspective. It certainly sounds like he was having a fun time, but from his pov it might sound like days at home with the baby are pretty nice too. I found being at home with a baby or toddler way easier than being at work, and way easier than dh's job (same sector as me). But our jobs didn't involve pub quizzes and hotel stays.

Sartre · 14/11/2025 18:06

Work isn’t a break and conferences certainly aren’t. I know the social events in the evening make it seem like it’s a laugh but trust me, it isn’t. Particularly draining if you’re an introvert, and if you’re convening or presenting at the conference too.

That said, I agree that he didn’t really need time away from you and the baby when he returned having been away for three days from you both. Doesn’t even make sense.

I suggest buying a running buggy btw, means you’re not restricted by his work hours.

firstofallimadelight · 14/11/2025 18:06

Being at work wasn’t a break but his evenings were so no he shouldn’t think that you going for a run gives him time in lieu.

id be disappointed in him (as I was in my husband when he behaved in a similar manner)
you need to sit and talk . Are you planning to go back to work? If he doesn’t put the effort in now how will he manage when he has to go solo. He needs to be building a bond with his child. Otherwise you will always be the default parent

evelynevelyn · 14/11/2025 18:06

I was with him until the night feeding bit. Did that conversation follow on from your earlier argument?

On your ‘he’s had his break’, I you are being unreasonable. You asked him for some time alone to recover from the baby. Totally reasonable. He said yes. He asks you for the same thing to recover from his work trip. You say no. Unreasonable. The fact that a baby is tiring doesn’t mean that a work trip isn’t, especially one with no free evening time.

BritHoward · 14/11/2025 18:09

It doesn't matter whether work is a break or your maternity leave is break. YOU NEED A BREAK! That's the most important thing here and all of us who needed a break - really need a break - it's not a jolly, it's not a skive, it's a sanity saver and without it your head might start to break.
Try having a conversation at a less emotionally heightened time - when you are both open and receptive, he doesn't get it - but why would he? You need to try and make him see how you feel.

Irememberwhenitwasallfieldsroundhere · 14/11/2025 18:10

It’s one baby, yes?

You both deserve time on your own but work is not a break!