My husband refuses to see that him going to work is a "break".

[Crybabydumplin]

My husband works full time. I'm currently on maternity leave with a 5 month old.

He has just returned from a three day conference where we he stayed in a hotel. He went to a pub quiz one night and had dinner with colleagues the other. He also has some leaving drinks planned for a colleague one week after work next week and recently spent a Friday night with his brother at the pub whilst I stayed at home.

This conference was the first time I had the baby to myself completely with no support and I managed fine but it wasn't easy.

When he got back, I was desperate for some me time and suggested that I would go for a run and have some time by myself (2 hours or so). He proposed that once I get back he should have some time by himself too.

In the politest way I could, I say that him proposing time by himself one day after coming back from a three day conference felt like a slap in the face.

He flew off the handle and is adamant that it was work and not a break. I tried explaining I meant a break from the baby and responsibilities. He got to have dinner by himself, shower, socialise etc which I don't get to do. He said that I should just ask if I want a break and that I'm the one that always wants to spend time with the baby.

Isn't it normal for all mums to one minute be obsessed with their baby and then the next think god I could do with a breather? Both can exists at the same time.

My only break is the runs that I do on his days off.

I am building up to leaving the baby for the first time so I can go out for drinks with a friend.

I proposed that he does one night feed a week so the baby gets used to him doing it too. That way i will feel more comfortable when I'm out knowing the baby will feed comfortably with him. He's not happy about it and said it should be a one off because once a week will have a knock on effect on his sleep.

Am I being unreasonable or is he just not getting it?

It’s a full night sleep and a social on the evening. I know which I would prefer

Work 100% is a break when the alternative is looking after small children!! I LOVE going to work since having my dc. I run out of the door and skip off to work happily 🤣

It really depends though. I felt the exact opposite.

Same, I’ve always found work difficult and babies, toddlers, DC, being a DM easy.

Now you’re getting it, well done.

Why isn’t he doing fucking night feeds anyway?! My husband wouldn’t even think of not doing a night feed!! Where do people find these men, honestly I don’t know one father who has this mentality. They’re all fantastic dads and do just as much as the mums. You need to have a very serious conversation with him.

Ah, so your true colours come out and you attack someone when they have a different opinion. Yep, my PND was great, so was the operation my weeks old baby had, as was the operation I had to fix a problem from the birth of my first DC. It was all perfect. My point, which you don’t agree with, is that work is not a break. I never said work or looking after my DC were easier or harder than each other. Just because one isn’t a break. My DH would go to work, come home to zero down time, go to bed and then rinse and repeat. The fact that him doing that allowed me a break heavily informs my opinion, it also helped me to build a routine I could stick to and start to overcome my PND. So, my opinion that work isn’t a break…it’s built on my own experiences where my DH effectively only had a break when he was asleep and you assumed were something they were not, then decided to attack me for. It’s a classic MN trait, unable to deal with an opinion that the hive mind doesn’t agree with.

Can the two of you shut up, you are the children of appears.

ITA! Going to work, I would have got to sit on the train and read a newspaper; then at work, I’d have generally only had to talk to one or two people at a time (and who weren’t all screaming in my ear); had an hour’s lunch break and cups of coffee in peace! Doing Excel spreadsheets is imo a doddle compared to clearing up D and V, food all over the floor, and WWW3 over DS’s home made nuclear power plant exploding and destroying the farm, twin DDs had carefully set up!

Every mother in my NCT group, who went back to work after maternity leave said the above (slight differences due to their type of work)!

You’re 100% not being unreasonable. Whilst He may be having a bad time at work. Find it stressful, find socialising with colleagues exhausting. But. He’s the father of your child too and taking the kid one night isn’t really even an ask. However, I don’t know what your relationship is like outside of this issue - he could be lovely and this could be an oversight or he could be generally selfish and this could be a pattern. How’s he connecting with your kid more generally? Is your husband good at taking on general house duties / chores equally too? If you’re on maternity you’ll be returning to work at some point - this may be a good time to start talking about how things will need to change when that happens. What neither of you wants is to become adversaries nor drift apart and resentments build. Yes he should be more understanding and should realise that he has a lot more responsibilities. But that’s a should. Book time for just you and him to go out regularly - at least once a month. Even if just a walk or to the pub. Find time for you both to connect away from the baby. Talk to him about how you are feeling and how you do value him and also if true, how being a new mum is a lot for you, you need his support and you want to be closer together in planning parent and family stuff.

Come on now. I work full time, have been at conferences. They aren't 24/7. You get to go back to your hotel room, shower, relax, etc. That's the part that the mother isn't getting.

Even though yes it's work, it's still time you get to be you.

Don’t have a second child with him. He has opted out.