My husband refuses to see that him going to work is a "break".

[Crybabydumplin]

My husband works full time. I'm currently on maternity leave with a 5 month old.

He has just returned from a three day conference where we he stayed in a hotel. He went to a pub quiz one night and had dinner with colleagues the other. He also has some leaving drinks planned for a colleague one week after work next week and recently spent a Friday night with his brother at the pub whilst I stayed at home.

This conference was the first time I had the baby to myself completely with no support and I managed fine but it wasn't easy.

When he got back, I was desperate for some me time and suggested that I would go for a run and have some time by myself (2 hours or so). He proposed that once I get back he should have some time by himself too.

In the politest way I could, I say that him proposing time by himself one day after coming back from a three day conference felt like a slap in the face.

He flew off the handle and is adamant that it was work and not a break. I tried explaining I meant a break from the baby and responsibilities. He got to have dinner by himself, shower, socialise etc which I don't get to do. He said that I should just ask if I want a break and that I'm the one that always wants to spend time with the baby.

Isn't it normal for all mums to one minute be obsessed with their baby and then the next think god I could do with a breather? Both can exists at the same time.

My only break is the runs that I do on his days off.

I am building up to leaving the baby for the first time so I can go out for drinks with a friend.

I proposed that he does one night feed a week so the baby gets used to him doing it too. That way i will feel more comfortable when I'm out knowing the baby will feed comfortably with him. He's not happy about it and said it should be a one off because once a week will have a knock on effect on his sleep.

Am I being unreasonable or is he just not getting it?

He sounds insufferable. Did he want a baby? Because even if he’s lived under a rock for most of his life, he has surely hear that they tend to impact sleep quite a bit! Fair play cards are a good way to explore the division of labour and ensure it’s equitable but it needs two invested people to make it work.

he should have been helping with night feeds from the get go. Wild he thinks he can call himself a parent when he does no parenting.

One sec. Read my post again. Please. Lucky. What actual planet are you on?

You've described how you were hallucinating and brought to the edge of breakdown by a baby that woke HALF as often as mine did. Whilst you were on maternity leave and I was back at work and had an old child

When you were getting the potential of 2 hours of sleep, I was getting one. Presumably your 2 hourly wakes ups didn't last a year.

You didn't have to focus on work whilst being in a sleep deprived state to the point of hallucination.

If you really want to be pedantic about it, you got an extra 5 minutes with your naps compared to my firstborn, who was a reliable 37 minutes, unless I contact napped, which I did until both of them were three.

I'm not saying you had it easy, you didnt. This parenting thing is hard, and poor sleepers make it even harder. but I certainly was not lucky!

Those first few months where I was on maternity leave were still the most relaxing of my life though. Before the hourly wakes ups kicked in. My second was doing 2 to 3 hourly wakes at that stage which felt manageable.

He’s being a total dickhead. Keeping a tiny human alive is not that same as being at a conference. Screw that. Do not take this from him.

Interestingly for us, my DP had a similar mindset about paid work and tiredness but it proved helpful as he had to stand by this when I went back to work. He made a point of offering to do the night wakes when I was going in even for a keeping in touch day. Also him taken shared parental leave was very helpful. I remember the first day of it he said he felt like he wanted to cry from being stuck with a toddler on a wet cold day. 7 years on we are far from equal but we do both work 4 day weeks and usually split the school runs 50/50. The almost identical work schedule (and helpfully, pay) is useful.

And on a point another poster made about struggling to cope with a baby alone for 3 days...it depends on the baby, the sleep, experience and support network. I massively struggled with this with my first. Absolute doddle with second, even with toddler there!

Bloody hell - the competition on here

well when I’m at a work conference I have to set the whole room up for 500 people and start at 5 am and do all the presenting with only half a sausage roll. Then I have to cook the dinner and serve it before I have to do all the washing up and get to bed at 4am

oh and my baby took 3 minute power naps every 6 minutes and screamed in between so I didn’t sleep for 4 years

Maybe his days and working dinners with colleagues weren’t a break however he got a solid nights sleep in the hotel which is a break. He needs to do one night a week (minimum, ideally more) before you burn out

& lastly you don’t need to ask for a break! Your baby is your joint responsibly. They are yours between 9-5 and commuting time, outside of this it is equal responsibility!

He's massively unreasonable.

And he knows it.

But you're allowing it.

He allows you to take all the load, and doesn't care.

That's the crux of the matter.

Work isn't a break, but as you say, a 3 day trip will have included plenty of down time and alone time.
The bigger issue is him whining about the single night feed a week. Nip that in the bud asap. It's his baby too whether he likes it or not

I agree with this. It does depend what kind of baby you have though. Mine was relatively easy so although I obviously lacked sleep and was quite tired, I did feel that I had a relatively easy time pottering about with the baby on my shoulder and wandering out for baby classes whilst my husband was in a job he didn't particularly enjoy and really missing us both. I wouldn't have said that him going away for work was a break for him. When I went back to work and he was on parental leave for a few months I didn't feel being away for work was a break for me either!

But all of this really depends on what your individual baby and partner are like, doesn't it? If my husband wasn't as invested in the baby or the baby was more colicky or whatever I would probably have felt very differently.

My friend (woman) is at a conference at the moment. She would have said the same as you. Now: I hate that I get home exhausted after a conference and dh thinks I’ve been on a holiday and I’m fecking knackered😅

op you're both allowed be wrecked- it’s not a competition but ye need to talk it out or t you’ll both just end up as bitter enemies

I agree. Personally I found being at home with a baby far easier than working; some might say the opposite but the fact is there are different pressures. And I’ve never particularly liked the corporate stuff, conferences and networking. If you’re telling him he’s had a break when he comes home from that then frankly I’m not surprised he’s pissed off

You’re asking for a break from looking after your baby, which you do mostly by yourself 24/7. He then immediately asks for the same length of break from looking after the same baby, which he has been doing by himself for…2 hours.

I had a husband who did the food shop and cooked, top bloke, he just didn't lactate and had to work! I also went to baby groups (as I thought my baby was missing out if I didn't 🤣 nuts now I look back!). But even the taxing jobs of loading the dishwasher, doing washing, and breastfeeding around the clock, it's still not work now is it. I watched loads of daytime tv, oh and wrote my phd up, I forgot about that 🤣, I had an 18 month old and newborn on that maternity leave. That wasn't the most relaxing of the 3 maternity leaves, admittedly.

No advice but much empathy - I had a very similar argument with my DH when he went away for work, and he was incensed that I suggested it was 'a break'. In retrospect it would've been more helpful if I had called it 'a break from baby', but, whatever, frankly, I was sleep deprived and the idea of three nights in a hotel with UNINTERRUPTED sleep and showers was bliss.

The comment about not wanting to do night feeds almost pisses me off more, because there he clearly must know he's unreasonable to not want to do even one!!! and yet he said no.

The thing is, work isn't relaxing but you get to commute by yourself, use the toilet by yourself, eat by yourself, go to bed for a whole night by yourself - its not the same as looking after kids 24/7 when they are everywhere and you have to be alert to them 24/7 just in case. Work isn't relaxing no, but there are loads of moments that you get to yourself that you don't get when you're parenting.

It absolutely is work, household drudgery is the absolute worst thing in my mind. I'd write a thesis over loading a dishwasher any day of the week. I absolutely loathe household chores, relentless, neverending, repetitive, absolutely never finished. If I'd a household staff I'd love mat leave but the constantly house bollocks. Hell on earth.

He needs to get a grip and do some parenting. Time for you to say rght I'm going for a bath/shower and just walk off out the room. Take your time. And do it every night.
Build up to not just an evening out with friends, but have a night away. Don't ask. Tell him it's happening.
You both need time to yourselves. He just takes his. You don't. Change this for your own sake.

YOUR maternity was like that, have you considered that others aren't the same? That maybe they had PPD? or PPA? Or a child with colic? Or one that wakes evrey hour? Or a useless partner who doesn't help? Or no partner at all? Or even, like me, work on your maternity leave because you're self employed and can't afford not to?

Just because you had all those things and managed to watch loads of tv and do your studying doesn't mean everyone else experiences the same thing. Good for you, but for many women there are other issues that come into play. And then work does feel like a break, a mental and sometimes physical break from something which is constant and exhausting.

Your experience is not universal.

You should get a break, and be able to go for a run or a drink with a friend. He should also get a break and some free time for himself. Work is obviously variety and getting to do something different, but it's not a break. If he's supposed to work full time and also give you a break, then he also needs a break as well.

Sorry but no no no you are absolutely not being unreasonable at all. I have a 5 month old and it’s relentless. A conference with down time for drinks , socialising and even (no doubt ) plenty of down time for going on your phone/reading/watching tv in the hotel room is in no way comparable. I would be expecting to hand the baby over for a break as well upon his return. This is my second dc. After I had my first going back to work was like a break in some ways, adult company and uninterrupted tea breaks. Of course you were dying for some me time that’s completely normal and understandable. I suggest going away for a night with friends when possible and leaving him with the baby to give him a taste of what it’s like so he can appreciate it.

My parenting was absolutely this kind of day, and I have a high pressure corporate role.

tbe dad is a complete dick- one night feed will throw out his sleep?? Do a return to work jobs schedule- he does pick up or drop off every day, packs lunches, empties and packs childcare bags, cooks dinner, bath bedtime and clean up, 3 nights allocated all night waking, 4 loads of laundry a week. And say the message he’s sending is that you need to return to work asap so your husband remembers you’re a human being too.

and just ask for some time off? ‘I just did ask, and you gave me this pathetic only if i give you extra time off speech which si why we are now having a conversation about your wife is human too; subtitled could you be less of a selfish pompous ass.

My children breastfed every 2 hours and were still nighttime breastfeeding aged 2 and none slept through until age 3! They weren't "easy" babies, they were hard, but you don't have work on mat leave. Even with other demands on me (a looming phd deadline, a viva to pass etc) I still respected that my husband was exhausted after a long day at work. I didn't go demanding time off, or that he gets up in the night, you can't if you are breastfeeding anyway. I'm not saying it isn't hard at times, of course it is. I imagine this is why so many relationships breakdown when people have babies and small children.

Ah I can kind of see both sides with this one.

You definitely need some time off after three nights solo parenting - and your DH doesn’t sound like he respects how hard that can be.

But equally, being on a work conference is tiring.

I’m back at work now albeit part time and it’s funny how on my days with the kids I resent my partner for being at work and thinking he’s getting a break, then as soon as I’m back in work I think oh no actually this isn’t a break at all

I think it’s ok for him to ask for equal time to himself too, but only if he’s sharing the childcare with you on the times that you are both at home. Including mornings, nights etc

Dick...show him these comments. My partner is taking our 9 months old to his parents tomorrow overnight to give me a break.

I'm sorry you had a baby with a selfish asshole. He HAS to spend a whole day with the baby on his own.... then we will see what he says.