My husband refuses to see that him going to work is a "break".

[Crybabydumplin]

My husband works full time. I'm currently on maternity leave with a 5 month old.

He has just returned from a three day conference where we he stayed in a hotel. He went to a pub quiz one night and had dinner with colleagues the other. He also has some leaving drinks planned for a colleague one week after work next week and recently spent a Friday night with his brother at the pub whilst I stayed at home.

This conference was the first time I had the baby to myself completely with no support and I managed fine but it wasn't easy.

When he got back, I was desperate for some me time and suggested that I would go for a run and have some time by myself (2 hours or so). He proposed that once I get back he should have some time by himself too.

In the politest way I could, I say that him proposing time by himself one day after coming back from a three day conference felt like a slap in the face.

He flew off the handle and is adamant that it was work and not a break. I tried explaining I meant a break from the baby and responsibilities. He got to have dinner by himself, shower, socialise etc which I don't get to do. He said that I should just ask if I want a break and that I'm the one that always wants to spend time with the baby.

Isn't it normal for all mums to one minute be obsessed with their baby and then the next think god I could do with a breather? Both can exists at the same time.

My only break is the runs that I do on his days off.

I am building up to leaving the baby for the first time so I can go out for drinks with a friend.

I proposed that he does one night feed a week so the baby gets used to him doing it too. That way i will feel more comfortable when I'm out knowing the baby will feed comfortably with him. He's not happy about it and said it should be a one off because once a week will have a knock on effect on his sleep.

Am I being unreasonable or is he just not getting it?

The definition of a break has changed for you but not for him. For you it now means relief from the constant alert mode of worrying that at any moment the baby’s needs may supersede your own. It is being able to focus on one thing without constantly worrying about getting interrupted.

This Is a common problem. Think about if the two of you are in the room with the baby. One of you wants to go take a long shower. Which one is going to ask the other parent to be on point and which one is just going to announce they are going to shower or even just walk right out of the room?

A supermarket shop or a shower a break? Are you fucking joking? A chore or basic hygiene? That's no where near 'me time'.

Really? Are you the mum? Or are you just literally keeping them alive? Because I'd spend a week at a conference and consider it the equivalent of a luxury cruise compared to 24/7 parenting of my also autistic, reflux and non sleeping children.

But being at a 3 day conference and having drinks isn't like having 3 days away with your mates, it just isn't. I have 3 children and I also have a job where I go away for conferences, yes mat leave is tiring but you get to sit on the sofa all day and have nothing else you have to do or think about. When I've been away on a 3 day conference I'm shattered, even if I have been for drinks, they are drinks where I'm sat with people from work "on" having work chat. I did all feeds on mat leave (I breastfed so my husband couldnt anyway) he had a job where he commuted on the motorway at the time, even if I wasn't breastfeeding he wasn't going to be getting up in the night when he has work and all I had on was homes under the hammer at 10am. My family is complete now, it's actually far more tiring working ft with 3 kids in school than when I was on mat leave snoozing the day away. I won't have anymore, but a year off does sound nice!

I have children and a stressful healthcare job and work is hands down easier.

That said how do you get 5 months in op and have it be the first time you've been alone with your baby with no support? That happened for me immediately when my husband returned to work. The 24/7 relentless nature of babies is exhausting (although baby dependant. My easy baby was less relentless by far than my high needs baby) but if you have constant support it's not really 24/7 relentlessness at all is it?

Easiest way for him to get it is to go out for more then 2 hours, I suggest 4 minimum (if bf take a breast pump with you).

Overnights depends on if bf or bottle fed. Also perfectly capable of doing overnights when not at work. Even working days can split the evening so he does til 1am you do 1-5am etc.

Parenting is about being a team which also means tag teaming it!
My DH didn't fully get what I meant when I said to him work was a break......til we swapped on shared parental leave then I chuckled away when he said jeez how did you do anything I can barely leave the house! DS1 was 10 months so pretty easy by this point!

I’m so sorry OP but he’s being a dick. My DH was up in the night doing night feeds as well as working because 1) DD is his baby too and 2) he’s not handling the nuclear codes or doing brain surgery, he can be tired in front of his laptop an office just as millions of mums are tired in offices across the country when they go back to work. What would he do if, god forbid, you got sick? I got diagnosed with cancer when my DD was 4 months old, went through various surgeries and chemo and had my DH been a completely equal parent from day 1 I don’t know what I’d have done as we have no family nearby. Perhaps you should ask him what he’d do in that scenario.

(And yes - work is a “break”. DD is 3 now and has been off nursery this week with conjunctivitis. I went into the office for a break i.e some personal space, ability to hear myself think, drink a hot cup of coffee and eat food in peace 😂 )

I agree it really does depend on the baby. When my second DC was 6 months my DH went to New York for the week for work and I had a lovely week, I had one DC at school, one baby who had a good routine and slept 12 hours a night and just kids’s tea to sort out in the evening. One day I drive to Brighton and I had a walk, shop and Pizza Hut lunch with my baby while my eldest was at school. It was a super relaxing week.

Oh absolutely, mat leave with my youngest on my.eldests nursery days were a beautifully restful experience. Some babies are just less hard work. I will say my eldest was extremely fun even though he was hard work. The kids loves as hard as he mischiefs

Just asked dh which would be more stressful 3 days with a five month old and 3 days at a conference - he said the baby - obviously the baby. We had twins - but he still thinks a single baby would be harder.

Dh did work away from home and I was left with twins, my head broke at the 6 month stage - I needed a break, we had to put the babies into nursery because I was losing myself. I was lucky because when I told dh I was feeling the strain he listened, he didn't try to compete and we found a solution.

You need a break - if you don't get one it will only get worse.

Going to disagree with others here. The work conference is somewhat a break, especially from a parenting perspective, he can have down time, undisrupted meals, peacefully go to the toilet, shower and go to sleep when he wants and not be woken and there is an actual start and finish to his work day.

My partner used to go away for work for up to a week and by the time he got back I was itching to be able to briefly switch off. The OP is literally asking for the bare minimum and he should definitely be able to do a night feed now and then.

Thing is, not everyone is built the same as you. We also don't know how the baby was, I should imagine a peaceful baby a lot easier.

I’m an involved parent - but parenting is not intense 18-19 hour work days without breaks. even with 2 reflux kids, one with Adhd, one with ASD.
i’ve put a summary of a conference workload in this thread - it is beyond intense.

He is being a massive dickhead

I often go in conferences with evening events planned. When my kids were younger it was absolute BLISS. There was at least a couple of hours of downtime before evening events. They were also normally fun and social and if I wanted to, I could opt out early

Bed to myself ✅
Shower/bath for as long as I want ✅
Full nights sleep ✅
Food prepared for me ✅
Watch whatever I want on tv ✅
Room service for breakfast ✅

Yes, being ‘on’ during the day can be tiring but with a pub quiz, drinks, nights out with his brother etc it sounds like he’s got a lot of downtime

I am VERY judgy about his comment of not wanting to do a single night feed on his own. I’m sorry but when I was in maternity my DH did Friday and Saturday nights and gave me a lie so I could catch up on sleep. That way the kids also didn’t mind him stepping in if I was out.

Dont accept this OP

His work conference is absolutely not a break, but he should also realise that after solo parenting for a few days, you will be desperately in need of a break yourself.

You both sound unreasonable tbh.

On the one hand, you've got one non mobile baby and are on maternity leave. Mine were no unicorn babies, but the first 6 months of their lives were the most relaxing period of my life! It was absolutely a break from my very stressful job.

My second then woke every hour from 6-18 months (and I was breastfeeding with a bottle refuser so it all fell on me), whilst also juggling an older child and work. That was HARD. But one baby that can't go anywhere, and nothing else to juggle - I'd take that!

But he's totally unreasonable for not sharing the nights. If baby is bottle fed, he should be sharing every night, not once a week. He needs to actually grow up and parent.

So you're a dad. Ok.

I go to overnight conferences where there is a 30 minute lunch factored in, takes finish at 7, you've an hour until a dinner with further talks 8-10 then a further social event. I work in a profession.

Parenting absolutely js 18/19 hours of relentlessness in my house with an autistic/ADHD 7 yr old who doesn't sleep and a 4 yr old who rises early. That's even before you take into account cooking. Cleaning, keeping track for hospital appointments, school meetings. I'm not convinced you ARE that involved a parent.

Do you often solo parent for a week?

A work trip isn't a break. I've also found being home with just one baby a dream. You're on maternity leave with one child so you can rest, enjoy long walks, spend time with your baby, see friends, snooze while they nap etc.

If you have a drip feed that you're looking after a toddler / other children that makes a big difference:

When I was on mat leave I did all the night feeds but DH would always do the first one in the morning (5am ish) and leave me to sleep until he had to go to work or on weekends he let me sleep as long as I could! He enjoyed that time alone with the baby and I never had any problems leaving baby with him to go somewhere.

the issue here isn’t the work vs baby it’s the sense that The DH doesn’t seem to consider himself a parent!

i’m not a dad. You on the other hand are sexist.
conferences for me means work starts at 5 am and ends at midnight. With 15 min for breakfast and about the same for lunch. my normal day job doesn’t go away just because i’m away. its work, not a holiday.
Read my post above for more details.

At no point on mat leave was I sat on a sofa with nothing else to do or think about. Do you have household staff? Someone who cooked, cleaned and shopped in between breastfeeding, nappy changing and dealing with reflux etc? Did you not bother with baby groups? Trips to the library? Also mine was walking unaided at 9 months and needed constant supervised exercise. I don't think I sat down more than an hour a day at any point and neither of mine slept at night. Are you sure you've had a baby?

Me too. I work full time in a healthcare role that doesn't end with a 9-5. Conferences go on all day, more to do before and after. I'm in a profession so constant CPD and further education courses that I have going on in the background a week working is easier in every way than a week solo parenting.

Do you have a female partner who is a sahp.

You were lucky, surely you see that? My son at 5 months was still waking every 2 hours and only napped for 42 minutes exactly at a time. I had a mental breakdown and had frequent hallucinations from the sheer sleep deprivation.

I also threw my back out from all the contact naps and one day the baby didn't nap at all because of it. He would only contact nap on my chest so when I couldn't hold him, he just didn't sleep. Not in the pram or car, anywhere. Imagine a screaming 4 month old who hasn't slept in EIGHT HOURS because mum couldn't hold him.

Your experience of a magical maternity leave is not universal.

He’s so selfish, Dh used to take over as soon as he got back and give me some time by myself because he knew already how tiring looking after a baby is (because he had bothered to actually look after the baby before). Even now DC is 6 he’ll still happily admit that being away for work is easy and he’s basically chilling. Yes he’s mentally stretched etc but he’s competent so doesn’t find his work stressful as such and he gets to have dinner a shower and sleep without disturbance.

Literally everyone in my family who travels abroad for work will cheerfully admit it’s a bit of a break from the kids and they appreciate being in a hotel room by themselves for a couple of nights.

He really needs more solo time with the baby for him to learn.

Going on a conference is not a break - you hardly spend any time in the room as you get roped into dinner & so on. If you had a baby, toddler & another needing to be dropped at school I’d sympathise but one baby (in my experience) is pretty easy compared to working. I teach secondary but have worked in industry. I found being home with a baby really nice & you can do your own thing.