My husband refuses to see that him going to work is a "break".

[Crybabydumplin]

My husband works full time. I'm currently on maternity leave with a 5 month old.

He has just returned from a three day conference where we he stayed in a hotel. He went to a pub quiz one night and had dinner with colleagues the other. He also has some leaving drinks planned for a colleague one week after work next week and recently spent a Friday night with his brother at the pub whilst I stayed at home.

This conference was the first time I had the baby to myself completely with no support and I managed fine but it wasn't easy.

When he got back, I was desperate for some me time and suggested that I would go for a run and have some time by myself (2 hours or so). He proposed that once I get back he should have some time by himself too.

In the politest way I could, I say that him proposing time by himself one day after coming back from a three day conference felt like a slap in the face.

He flew off the handle and is adamant that it was work and not a break. I tried explaining I meant a break from the baby and responsibilities. He got to have dinner by himself, shower, socialise etc which I don't get to do. He said that I should just ask if I want a break and that I'm the one that always wants to spend time with the baby.

Isn't it normal for all mums to one minute be obsessed with their baby and then the next think god I could do with a breather? Both can exists at the same time.

My only break is the runs that I do on his days off.

I am building up to leaving the baby for the first time so I can go out for drinks with a friend.

I proposed that he does one night feed a week so the baby gets used to him doing it too. That way i will feel more comfortable when I'm out knowing the baby will feed comfortably with him. He's not happy about it and said it should be a one off because once a week will have a knock on effect on his sleep.

Am I being unreasonable or is he just not getting it?

Get a grip?
For suggesting a man spend time with his baby?

The opening paragraph of this post besides the Work Conference also mentions planned future drinks after work and a recent drink with his brother.

Hmmmm..How do you know what he is actually doing and where he is?

I think.his attitude towards you and your child is very poor and disrespectful and hurtful.

I have seen a lot of the manly, knuckle dragging revert to type behaviour from certain men. When woman have children. It can rear it's ugly head very quickly. Trainee Arsehole style.

No more Mr Nice Guy.

It was there all along but just hidden.

You are now officially a second class citizen. He will.always come first.

You are only there to serve and obey him.

He was born to be in charge and don't you forget it.

You have been warned.

Please don't hang around for years if things don't improve

Get rid sooner than later Hon.

Best Wishes
X

You aren't doing anything wrong?!
I wasn't being judgemental or saying the OP has it easy - a child is not easy. As a mother to a non-verbal autistic child, my one and only child, believe me I know only too well how difficult it is to be a full time parent. But I also know the flip side of being the one who has to work full time and how stressful that is too.
My suggestion, for what it's worth, is to stop waiting until everything is sorted/spoons picked up and cleaned, to eat. I was very much like that in early days. I get it. But get a safe, enclosed environment you can leave baby down. You need to be able to get things done, including looking after yourself and eating in 2 mins peace. Reading over this it sounds a bit harsh, I don't mean it that way

I used to do lots and lots of conferences with my owkr. I never realised how exhausting it was until li had a full breakdwon that was psychotic and took everything form me and nearly killed me. becasue I enjoyed it a lot I didnt realise the toll it was taking on me

I was a SAHM for years and never considered DH was going to work 'for a break'. I think he would have laughed in my face if I'd suggested that.

I could stay in my PJs all day if I fancied, watched Netflix while the baby napped on me/sat in her bouncer, and didn't miss a single milestone. And I got to have lots of fun once they were older and we could go to toddler classes or meet up with friends.

DH left the house at 6am to spend the day with people he didn't particularly like doing a physically tiring job and didn't get home until way after his children were in bed. He always said he would much rather be at home.

Neither of ours were particularly easy babies, but some of these comments making maternity leave sound harder than being in the WW2 trenches are daft.

He was not on a 'break' - stop telling him that, you're disrespecting his work. When I've attended work conferences you're basically on duty all evening, too, representing the company, as well as yourself.

This isn't your job, but it's a classic male / female dilemma - he goes to work earns money pay bills. She stays home does baby and house stuff. You're falling into the cliché.

Find better ways to frame it and stop fighting. You're co parenting.

In your op he said if you want a break just ask. Ask him, ask him to discuss and agree a balanced idea of what breaks look like. A night out with friends, what the agreed plan is before during and after, for both responsibilities. Easily 2 nights a week you both get 2 hrs to do whatever you want in house, one watches baby, other can have a bath, listen to podcast, nap whatever no interruptions, but present again after 2 hrs. No travel, drink, changes to plans. It's a safe protected space and always something you can rely on. If that's a problem, you have a problem

Agree with the posts here. Just wanted to add that for me too, I love spending time with the baby and then just suddenly switch to being desperate for some alone time. After a couple of hours of alone time I'm then really excited to see the baby again. Imagine this is quite normal, a bit of a break just recharges your batteries and reminds you that you are an individual too, not just a mum

Ye, I thought this. He said “all you need to do is ask”, but when you asked, he insisted he get another break of the same length straight afterwards.

OK he was away from work but he had plenty of time to himself whilst he was away.

Just coming back on here because of the “you can go out with a baby” comments.

Mine threw up, constantly, everywhere, all day long. It would go from fresh milk, through the curdled scale, to something that just smelt dreadful (just before she was due another feed and the cycle would start again) I had to keep her upright to try and minimise the sick so I wore her everywhere, but it didn’t stop the spit up so I constantly smelt of sick. I couldn’t go to baby classes because I couldn’t face the constant clean up. She once threw up onto the counter in the supermarket. The thought of going out, with all the cleaning up and changes of clothes this would entail, felt impossible most days. When DD suddenly stopped throwing up at 7 months (weaning) I will never forget that crystal clear dawning of thought: oh my god. I can go out now. We can go out now!

Some babies are easy. Some really really aren’t. Mine slept relatively well all things considered but I didn’t, because DD would turn her head to the side and throw up in her sleep! My DH, who did the night feeds and everything else, often said that going to his stressful job was a “break” - because it was. A break from waiting for vomit, cleaning up vomit, being trapped in the house and worrying about vomit…

😂
it is and it isn’t. Sometimes it’s fine other times you might have to do it with health issues, zero sleep, crap immune system, no income. It’s quite the rollercoaster. I hope it’s as you describe when you’re up! Xo

Work is not harder than having a baby all day, they are both deserving of a good night sleep
The lack of bodily autonomy we have as mums when looking after young children all day is hard work, I have a toddler and newborn and not just being able to even tidy, shower, sleep etc when I want even though I’m in desperate need of all those things when I’m at home With both and no help that day

he’s being very unreasonable and I’d get him out of this way of thinking now before it gets worse when baby is a toddler

Him going to work isnt a break. However, you need to stop thinking in terms of a "break" as that is causing resentment and opens the door to argument. So dont ask to go for a run and dont ask if he will get up during the night. Just tell him youre going out and dont say its because you need a break.
Also your bit about the baby getting used to him sounds concerning. The baby should be used to him anyway?
Finally a 5 month old is soon (hopefully) not going to need a night feed and will be sleeping through so that isnt really an issue, but youve made it one.
Overall you need to stop thinking in terms of a break and he needs to stop being a jerk.

They definitely don't with comments like that 😂

Did you keep feeding dairy?

This. Time for a reset. Are you going back to work ? Often you and DH just arent on the same page on this. Men are usually off for a fortnight and the impact of the baby on their bodies and lives is soo much less. You need to communicate better because this bit really isnt that bad. Toddlers are trickier!

We tried everything under the sun and nothing stopped the constant sick, except being able to sit up herself and being weaned. She’s not allergic to anything. As soon as she started having food as well as milk it stopped.

Oh wow that must have been tough! Happy for you that it's sorted itself out.

Another man who thinks that the child is the wife's hobby.

Sounds very selfish. If I'd been away from my child on a work trip I'd have thrown myself into the thick of it and given my partner a chance to rest up. But then he clearly didn't want to be a father. Just a man with a woman who has a child.

I have two children thanks, I’m aware of the stresses and strains of raising them.

But yet don’t see that work is a break ….

Got to be the wildest thing I’ve ever read on here!

@Sparemum6 yes you could potentially have no time to yourself for over 20 years if you have 3 children & wait until they are all 18 before you do anything without them?!