My husband refuses to see that him going to work is a "break".

[Crybabydumplin]

My husband works full time. I'm currently on maternity leave with a 5 month old.

He has just returned from a three day conference where we he stayed in a hotel. He went to a pub quiz one night and had dinner with colleagues the other. He also has some leaving drinks planned for a colleague one week after work next week and recently spent a Friday night with his brother at the pub whilst I stayed at home.

This conference was the first time I had the baby to myself completely with no support and I managed fine but it wasn't easy.

When he got back, I was desperate for some me time and suggested that I would go for a run and have some time by myself (2 hours or so). He proposed that once I get back he should have some time by himself too.

In the politest way I could, I say that him proposing time by himself one day after coming back from a three day conference felt like a slap in the face.

He flew off the handle and is adamant that it was work and not a break. I tried explaining I meant a break from the baby and responsibilities. He got to have dinner by himself, shower, socialise etc which I don't get to do. He said that I should just ask if I want a break and that I'm the one that always wants to spend time with the baby.

Isn't it normal for all mums to one minute be obsessed with their baby and then the next think god I could do with a breather? Both can exists at the same time.

My only break is the runs that I do on his days off.

I am building up to leaving the baby for the first time so I can go out for drinks with a friend.

I proposed that he does one night feed a week so the baby gets used to him doing it too. That way i will feel more comfortable when I'm out knowing the baby will feed comfortably with him. He's not happy about it and said it should be a one off because once a week will have a knock on effect on his sleep.

Am I being unreasonable or is he just not getting it?

It's quite understandable that you need a break and he should give you one. But work is not a break, being away with work doubly so, and work social events aren't really a break either.

He needs to work with you, not against you. He must realise that a weekend 24/7 with the baby means you could do with a little time to be you.

Hopefully you can both sit and explain rather than it being a peeing competition of who had what. It's his child too and he does need to realise that the feelings of needing a break are also the same feelings you have.

It’s equally his baby too and you know he is being dreadful. He should be parenting outside of working and not keeping tally of when you have a break and then saying he needs one.

Was he like this before?

This.

You've got ONE baby. And under 6 months, so not mobile yet. And yet you struggled to cope on your own for 3 days?😲😲😲. How on earth are you going to cope with an active toddler? Or God forbid a toddler and a baby?

The 5 months I had at home with my newborn baby (maternity leave was shorter in those days and I was the primary breadwinner anyway) was one of the nicest and most relaxing periods of my life. An absolute doddle compared to attending a 3 day conference.

Well isn’t he delightful. This is why I recommend shared parental leave. Everyone I know who has done it (us included), thinks it’s been invaluable. You both get to experience being with the baby whilst the other is at work, you both get to be in total charge of the child (pack a bag, make all the food, play with all the toys). You both get to experience that whilst you’re at home and love the baby so much, you just want a little time for yourself. And you both get to experience going to work with minima sleep and wanting to stay at home snuggled in front of the tv with a sleeping child (you only remember the nice bits when you go back to work!!).

Well the conference is both really hard work (possibly), and also a break from what you're dealing with at home.

But notwithstanding that, your husband is being awful. He should be encouraging you to get a break and he should be doing a few night feeds too, he'll survive waking up once a night and still working! And yeah he needs to be able to look after his child without you, ultimately.

I didn't work full time when DS1 was a baby - 4 days a week. For me work was definitely a break. So much easier than having my baby attached most of the time - and I wasn't even breastfeeding. However much you love them, babies are exhausting.

So I'd say days at a conference was definitely a break.

Nice! Finance are living ip to their reputation, good for you!
my last conference (i’m in R&D, management level)
taxi collected at 4:00 am, to airport
landed at 9am local time, directly to conference venue. Did some meetings and email in the airport.
Conference until lunch, used lunch hour to answer emails and had a sandwich.
Back to conference, gave talk, sat on panel.
Checked in hotel, another round of email.
Dinner with suppliers, in bed by midnight.
Got up at 5 the next morning for early morning meetings (we work a lot with China) and emails.
15 min breakfast, back to conference, chaired a session (introductions , questions etc.)
More emails at lunch, more conference , more emails, another dinner with suppliers. In room around 11pm, writing up notes. in bed at midnight.
next day same as previous, but taxi to airport around 5pm, landed in uk at 10pm. taxi home.
Not a break. Really not.

A conference is a break from the daily grind. What's this constantly on when away with colleagues? Are they not just having dinner and a drink in the bar after the actual work? Sleeping and showering without having to be on for a baby.
Ops dh is being a selfish twat.
My dh used to work away and tried to tell me how hard it was until he forgot and showed me the pictures of him and his mate in the swimming pool at the hotel. Yes the actual working was hard but they had plenty of leisure time paid for.

yeh he’s taking the piss! it’s ingrained misogyny to think that paid work is more intense than baby rearing which it, historically, has convenienced men to pretend that this is easier, lesser value labour.

YANBU.

But to be honest, I'd rather be home with the baby than at a 3 day work conference. That sounds exhausting.

Both things are work and you both need a break.

So what is he going to do when you go back to work and the night wakes cause a ‘knock on effect’ for your sleep?

Coz guess what? contrary to popular belief babies don’t magically start sleeping through at 6/12 months!
my first didn’t sleep through til she was 3 and a half and my second is still waking at least twice a night at 2!!

This is the most absurd comment. So you had an easy baby. Some of them scream non stop for hours, and wake up 5-6 times a night, and spit up relentlessly, etc etc etc. I have worked 16 hour days in consulting and had to start work at 6am and traveled and all sorts… but nothing was harder than my baby with tummy troubles who cried almost non stop (even when being held and bounced), for months on end.

You aren’t unreasonable about the conference.
i used to travel with work a lot and my favourite bit was when I got back from tea with colleagues. I’d have a glass of wine and relax. An uninterrupted nights sleep is worth its weight in gold

He should be able to do night feeds whilst working full-time, he is being a dick.

But also, going away with work can be a major pain and very tiring so you were wrong to moan about him suggesting he could have a 2 hour rest after you.

Have you not learnt to sleep when baby sleeps yet?
Do you not both do things for the baby?

Going on a conference isn’t the same as going away for fun though. It’s not a ‘break’

often at conferences you’re networking, talking about work etc with new contacts. It’s not all fun

Have you ever been to a conference?

Honestly amazes me how so many people are oblivious to their husbands being twats til they have kids

How much parenting does he do?

This.

I travel extensively for work, and at no point have I ever felt it was a “break”. I always feel like I need a little decompression time afterwards, after draining my social battery.

When I was a nurse in a super busy hospital and a single parent I definitely felt work was a break.
It was a day talking sense to other adults. Nobody tells you how boring small children are.
I could have a half hour lunch break in peace without DS screaming through all my meals.
My days off were much more exhausting.
Your husband needs to step up. He is 50% responsible for your baby he's not an onlooker.

You both are equally busy.

@MrsJeanLuc it's entirely subjective though. Mat leave with my eldest extremely difficult baby was hellish, I still shudder when I think back. The same period with twins a few years later was much more chill.

Likewise a persons tolerance for work socialising is entirely subjective too. It never bothered me too much as I love meeting new people but i get tired afterwards. However some people find it all extremely difficult stressful and exhausting.

I'm wondering what OP was doing every evening from 8pm onwards? No baby doesn't sleep for a 48 hour period. I'm sure OP had possibly more quiet moments albeit stuck at home, than DH had at a work conference with evening socialising.