My husband refuses to see that him going to work is a "break".

[Crybabydumplin]

My husband works full time. I'm currently on maternity leave with a 5 month old.

He has just returned from a three day conference where we he stayed in a hotel. He went to a pub quiz one night and had dinner with colleagues the other. He also has some leaving drinks planned for a colleague one week after work next week and recently spent a Friday night with his brother at the pub whilst I stayed at home.

This conference was the first time I had the baby to myself completely with no support and I managed fine but it wasn't easy.

When he got back, I was desperate for some me time and suggested that I would go for a run and have some time by myself (2 hours or so). He proposed that once I get back he should have some time by himself too.

In the politest way I could, I say that him proposing time by himself one day after coming back from a three day conference felt like a slap in the face.

He flew off the handle and is adamant that it was work and not a break. I tried explaining I meant a break from the baby and responsibilities. He got to have dinner by himself, shower, socialise etc which I don't get to do. He said that I should just ask if I want a break and that I'm the one that always wants to spend time with the baby.

Isn't it normal for all mums to one minute be obsessed with their baby and then the next think god I could do with a breather? Both can exists at the same time.

My only break is the runs that I do on his days off.

I am building up to leaving the baby for the first time so I can go out for drinks with a friend.

I proposed that he does one night feed a week so the baby gets used to him doing it too. That way i will feel more comfortable when I'm out knowing the baby will feed comfortably with him. He's not happy about it and said it should be a one off because once a week will have a knock on effect on his sleep.

Am I being unreasonable or is he just not getting it?

I'd already been a single mum before meeting my husband, so I made it clear before my second child was born that I wasn't going to carry any passengers and that there had to be equal division of parenting responsibilities.

We each got one undisturbed night's rest at the weekend, and I got up during the week nights whilst on maternity leave.

Fortunately mine all slept through from about 2 months, but none of them ever so much as blinked during the day, so I did find it very wearing not being able to shower/eat/exercise etc.

I decided early on to pay for childcare one morning a week even during my maternity leave, for the sake of my physical and mental health.

It was worth it's weight in gold, enhanced my quality of life and by extension that of my family - after all you can't pour from an empty cup!

There is this culture now that women should just do everything 24/7 and I don't know where it comes from because our grandmothers and great grandmothers might not have had any option but to breastfeed, but they still had a village around them to help carry the load, something we have lost.

Generations ago, aunties and nanas were often still lactating themselves and in poor families babies were passed around for a feed, whilst the better off ladies hired a "wet nurse".

Oh please Dh has done 9 hour flights to work intensively from early morning, do the dinner socialising bits, then go back to his hotel room to work till the wee hours and then get back on a long haul flight and he will still say not having to be responsible for another human being is a relief. Babies and children are exhausting in a very specific way.

no. we both work full time. i went back to work after 16 weeks with my oldest (different country with short maternity leave), and 6 months with the youngest.
no grandparents help either, no nanny, no cleaner etc in case you were wondering.
I have career, my partner has a career. we both work hard, and look after our children (who are both neurodivergent )

When did she go back to work each time? Does she do fewer hours and would she consider herself the primary parent?

They are. So is business travel which is why both need a break.

Yes it’s of course a break, night without broken sleep, evening out, no one else to worry about except himself - if he can’t see this he is extremely selfish

Business travel ‘can’ be tiring but compared to be at home with a baby it’s a breeze

Op Dp is a consultant and worked night shifts. He still pulled his weight with childcare and spent pretty much all his free time with the baby so I could catch up on sleep. Your husband doesn’t want to parent it’s as simple as that.

My husband works full time and if he had to go away for a conference he'd be ON constantly and he's also shit his pants withe excitement at sleeping in a hotel room away from our non sleeping kids. And rightly so. I would too. I would say if your parenting isn't as relentless as a work conference I'm not convinced you're parenting as much as you think you are.

Work is adult structured time for the most part and you can go to the loo when needed with no interruption ( not always easy when you have a baby /young children).
Caring for a baby is full on and exhausting.
I've done both and attended work conferences. In comparison, work is a 'break' from the overwhelming hard work of caring for babies and young children.
I feel for you OP and I would feel resentful in your situation.
Going out for meals, attending conferences with colleagues and being fully engaged is no comparison.
Please take care

This ++++++++++++++++

Your husband is being completely unreasonable and I would tell him directly what you need. Working, including conferences, is no way as hard as looking after a baby. He's also being a dick about night feeds. So he expects you to be on duty looking after a baby literally 24 hours per day?

I have a baby too and my husband does every night feed until 3am, and then I take over. And then he goes to work in a demanding job the next day. I see it like he and I both work during work hours (him at work, me looking after the baby), and we split evening / night / weekend childcare equally. I'm not saying that to rub it in; we had many conversations (negotiations!) to get to that point

But your conference experiences are not universal. I told you about mine and you were very sceptical but they were definitely not particularly taxing if you weren't delivering any of the sessions. We don't know how tiring and pressured OP's DH's conference was but we do know that he has never ever helped with a single night waking since his child was born, so I don't have much sympathy for him.

Solidarity. I still remember how my eldest until he was 1 slept no more than 45 mins at a time and took 2 hours to get back to sleep each time. (He has a diagnosis of sleep initiation disorder caused by epilepsy now so I'm not exaggerating and it wasn't my terrible parenting) The fact I'm still alive is a constant source of astonishment 😂 I bloody love sleep too.

Also were you both on mat leave at the same time? Because 2 parents at home full time would be an incredible.time.

The competition between you isn’t healthy although I get why it’s easy to fall into that trap. When I was on maternity leave I resented my husband being out of the house and now I’m working full time again, I remember how tiring it can be, and how draining work travel is. I miss my lazy days with baby. You need to work together to ensure you’re both getting equal downtime, it’s important.

Work is not a break and your DH is working hard to earn money to pay all the bills. You are on maternity leave so at the moment you should be doing most of the childcare and housework.

At the end of the day, you have both had a hard day for different reasons. You both need some time to chill out and relax and your partner needs to spend some time with his child - you need have a discussion about how this will happen.

Things will get easier when your baby is older and has a set bedtime routine and is sleeping through the night. This situation is not forever, you will get your evenings back.

It is a break from constantly being "on" when you're cosy in bed with eight hours in the sheets ahead, having a poo, getting dressed, watching telly in the room knowing you have 20 minutes before you need to leave, on your lunch, literally doing ANYTHING... when you're not constantly subject to the threat of poonamis, feeds, projectile vomiting, random crying, etc.

Never in my life have I heard a mum, or a primary parent refer to themselves as an involved parent. Only dads or secondary parents who don't take on the mental load.

It’s completely normal to feel rage and resentment during this period, especially with your first baby. You see him swanning around, in and out the house, living a life that you used to live and it’s hard sometimes.

Please remember that you are a team and you shouldn’t be competing against each other. You are both providing really valuable contributions towards your family. Try to appreciate that in each other. Meeting each other’s needs, instead of fighting for your individual needs to be met, is the way to get through this.

Telling him that his time away with work is a “break” is obviously going to upset him, and it’s quite demeaning, BUT I understand how you got there, because it feels like it sometimes. It would feel like a break for you right now.

He isn’t a mind reader either. It’s normal to want a break, but not want to be away from your baby; but he can’t anticipate that for you and you shouldn’t expect him to.

IMO he should be doing night feeds one night a week. You should get a lie in the next morning. The other weekend day, you do the night feeds and he gets a lie in. That way, you both get a good night’s sleep and lie in per weekend. If there are trying times (sleep regressions, teething etc) then he should step up and help out additionally at night even if it means he’s tired at work the next day. No one should have a baby and expect to never feel tired.

I sometimes remind my DH that it isn’t fair that my “work” is 24/7 whilst his is 40 hours per week. Especially when there’s two parents and only one child.

Going to work is not a break, you are always “on”. Regardless you should still have some time alone and DH should offer to have the baby, it’s half his at the end of the day!

He's not getting it, and he's being a total nob.

Baby with a loser boyfriend and this is the result.
Get back to work.
Lodge a CM claim and be prepared to go it alone.
I hope you have family and friends for support.
He thinks he's still single andvthis baby is yours.

Basically this. Work isn't a break. Both parents should get time to themselves.

Kicking off about doing one feed a week or you going out with friends and not pulling his weight is a piss take but that's unrelated to the headline purpose of the thread