My husband refuses to see that him going to work is a "break".

[Crybabydumplin]

My husband works full time. I'm currently on maternity leave with a 5 month old.

He has just returned from a three day conference where we he stayed in a hotel. He went to a pub quiz one night and had dinner with colleagues the other. He also has some leaving drinks planned for a colleague one week after work next week and recently spent a Friday night with his brother at the pub whilst I stayed at home.

This conference was the first time I had the baby to myself completely with no support and I managed fine but it wasn't easy.

When he got back, I was desperate for some me time and suggested that I would go for a run and have some time by myself (2 hours or so). He proposed that once I get back he should have some time by himself too.

In the politest way I could, I say that him proposing time by himself one day after coming back from a three day conference felt like a slap in the face.

He flew off the handle and is adamant that it was work and not a break. I tried explaining I meant a break from the baby and responsibilities. He got to have dinner by himself, shower, socialise etc which I don't get to do. He said that I should just ask if I want a break and that I'm the one that always wants to spend time with the baby.

Isn't it normal for all mums to one minute be obsessed with their baby and then the next think god I could do with a breather? Both can exists at the same time.

My only break is the runs that I do on his days off.

I am building up to leaving the baby for the first time so I can go out for drinks with a friend.

I proposed that he does one night feed a week so the baby gets used to him doing it too. That way i will feel more comfortable when I'm out knowing the baby will feed comfortably with him. He's not happy about it and said it should be a one off because once a week will have a knock on effect on his sleep.

Am I being unreasonable or is he just not getting it?

It really depends on the baby though

I find work easier because you are in control and don’t always have to be ‘on’

its different. He’s just got back from 3 days away so it’s kind of odd that he wants to have a break from you and baby - you’re not his work!!

It all comes down to personal differences. For me, mat leave was the ultimate "break", and I always found wrangling a baby easier than being at work. I know that for others, it's a different experience.

It isn't a competition about who has the toughest gig. You both deserve a break when you need it.

Parenting is a long haul. You need to work together to survive!

People saying a work conference isn't a break are missing the point. Yes he might have been socialising but he still got to go back to his hotel room, shower in peace, sleep through the night. He got to get ready in peace and quiet in the morning without any other responsibilities, pop to the hotel gym, etc. He might only have had a couple of hours each day to do as he liked but it was three days where, outside of his work tasks, he didn't need to think about the baby's welfare once - a mental break if nothing else.

OP I'd be very fucking sick of him if I were you.

I get what you’re saying OP. I used to resent DH because he had a 15 minute drive to work all by himself, when I had no time at all.

I hope you can find a way to get some me-time

I’ve recently returned from a conference - 4 days away. My days started with meetings at 8am each day and continued with back to back meetings till around 6pm when I had half an hour to get changed for the evening drinks and dinner events, which went on till 11pm or later. It was intense being “on” all day. Yes, a couple of the evening events were nice, but I was not with friends, I was selling my firm’s services and working. When I got back to the hotel room after dinner, I had to catch up on my usual day’s work. I returned exhausted.

I have also been a SAHM so I know that’s no picnic either. But it is just wrong to say that your partner attending a work conference is “a break”, because it isn’t. More importantly, this type of argument is very toxic because it breeds resentment and competitive “who’s more hard done by” games.

I’d suggest leaving it until you’re getting on ok, and then having an honest conversation about what you find hard about being a SAHM (eg no time to yourself ever) and how you can build in some space for you to exercise/lie in bed scrolling your phone or reading/whatever else would give you a breather and some downtime. It is hard, I know.

I’m divorced after my wife had an affair and left me for OW. She (my ex) would say that it was because I was so annoyed all the time. I was, because I did absolutely everything (I also worked and wasn’t a SAHM at that time), while all she had to do was work. Don’t end up like me.

Nailed it.

I travel occasionally for work and I look forward to it because of the hotel, lovely sleep, uninterrupted meals. It’s absolutely a break and I love it.

You both need alone time. Work is not a break. Work trips can be exhausting as you have to be ‘on’ all the time, even during the socialising bit.

I don't think work and conference can be considered a break. Yes, it is a break from the baby but if my partner refered to my workday as a break, I would not be impressed.

That being said, i don't think it matters. He should do a few nights feelings without complained and both if you should get a break without it becoming a 'thing'

Evenings at a conference are everything but a break. That’s when the proper hard work starts. Conference tend to be consecutive 18 hour working days with crap sleep in between. He needs a break as much as you do!

I've been to international conferences that were basically just jollies, apart from the ones where I had to deliver a session.

Staying in nice hotels with all food provided was much more relaxing than when I was looking after a baby all day and feeding during the night.

OP's DH sounds like a twat who thinks that caring for his child is just women's work. I can't believe that he doesn't ever get up in the night with the baby, even at weekends.

Yes, he was at work while at the conference, but you were ALSO at work at home, looking after the baby. He got to go to bed alone, sleep all night, wake up in his own time, shower and eat without one eye on another human and without being disturbed. Why should you not have the same courtesy?

I remember once complaining to my XH that I couldn't even go to the toilet without being followed and having one or other of the toddlers come in with me. He said 'oh, my lot at work are so inept that they might as well be coming to the toilet with me!' And he genuinely believed it was the same.

You need to factor in equal time to each have a break where you are at leisure to choose what you want to do - run, see friends, read a book, whatever - not related to work or childcare.

Sorry OP, I’ve got 3 very young DC (including a baby and toddler) and I work full-time. Work is definitely not a ‘break’. My days at home with the DC are far easier and more enjoyable than working. Sure, at work I can have a hot coffee for 15 mins in peace, but the demands of an employer/clients/expectations are very stressful.

I recently had to travel to the USA for a work conference, which was exhausting. I’d feel really disrespected if DH implied that I was taking a ‘break’ when I got home, because he had been holding down the fort with the DC at home.

Is there a way you could get more help at home so that you don’t feel so overwhelmed with your DC? When DH travels, I pay for a babysitter for a few hours the weekend so that I can go to the gym or have a coffee. Could you do something like that?

When were these conferences? the last one i went ti that fit this description was about 15 years ago. Things have quite dramatically changed since, and its 18 hour intense work days with crap sleep now….

The people saying work is harder and being with the kids is a break

OPs DH clearly doesn’t see it that way as he needs a break after the conference without the wife and kid!

When he's home from work he needs to be a partner and a parent. He should be doing his share of parenting, cleaning, cooking and night feeds, after all its his home and his child as well. The only reason to not do nights is if he's a surgeon, pilot ect. Even then no reason at all that he can't do it on evenings that hes not working the next day. He's a lazy fucker who thinks being on maternity leave means your his skinny and he doesnt have to do anything.

I literally run conferences multiple times a year and they're not 18 hour days with no sleep for me, never mind the attendees. Maybe it varies by industry (I'm in finance) but I've never, even at my most dogsbody junior, attended or run a conference where we did anything like an 18 hour day. Maybe 7am - 11pm if we went for client drinks after, but that was a one-off as an event organiser and certainly not as an attendee.

Just another bloke who fails to step up to his responsibilities and whose life doesn't change.

This. ☝️

You must have shit colleagues.

I work in a high pressured job and also have a baby. Work is def a break! And my lovely husband agrees.

Why does he get to go the the pub and stay at hotels, but for her, a "break" is having a shower (basic personal hygiene) or go the the supermarket alone. (Which benefits the whole family and isn't a pleasure activity).
Did you dig a trench for the bar you set?

Because in my eyes doing those things with colleagues is sodding hard work and not my idea of fun. It’s more ‘work’ than the 9-5 bit of the working day.

And that bar is set at mixing up the essential activities level as it seems at the moment that that’s all they’ve got capacity for.

Once theyre covered then the leisure type stuff comes in on both sides.

A full nights sleep in a hotel bed is something I'd probably have killed for when dc were 5 months old.
The day part was work, the evening much less so, and the night was definitely a break!

I get on great with my colleagues and my annual one night away conference is a lovely break and I get to spend it with people who’s company I enjoy and it’s not 18 hour days!!!

the way people talk about work on this thread makes me think of the mental load threads where everything the sahm does is listed to the nth degree and the husbands list is ‘work’. It’s kind of the opposite of that!

every family situation is different but the competitiveness about who has it harder is really unhealthy

The last one was 2019. I've retired now so I don't know whether things have changed.