Parents bought sister a house

[MikeL1993]

I am the middle child between two sisters and there is 5 years between me and my older and younger sisters.

Me and my younger sister both own a three bed semi detached house, she lives with her husband and I live with my girlfriend and son who is 18 months old. The week after my son was born it was announced that my sister and her husband had bought a house. And we were all happy for them but then it turned out what had actually happened was they had approached my parents and asked them to lend them money so they could buy an old bungalow, raise it to the ground and build a new house and we were told that they would sell their current house after they have moved into this rebuilt house and then somehow pay my parents back the money they borrowed but everyone seemed vague about how that would happen.

Fast forward to now and they are almost ready to move in but the buyers of their current house have pulled out but it is not affecting any chain. Anyway we have now discovered that my parents have told them not to pay them back so with everything included have basically gifted my youngest sister half a million pounds or in that region.

Obviously this is now creating resentment for me and my older sister. It has been mentioned in passing that me and my gf are struggling for space in our house but we are having to make do until we can afford something bigger but that wont be for a number of years yet.

I think I am feeling most resentful because not only has my sister and her husband been gifted a house but when they had a big extravagant wedding back in Summer my parents paid for 90% of it whereas I am working all the hours I can and after bills and nursery fees etc I am having very little to show for it whilst my parents have given all this to my little sister and don't seem to understand why I am annoyed.

This is also not including that the money they have given my sister and her husband over the years with other stuff whereas I have basically been left to fend for myself.

Am I being unreasonable or am I justified in feeling annoyed?

are your parents very wealthy (500k is just an insane amount to gift)? Could the afford the same for you and your sister? I would feel miffed too. Have you and your older sister asked your parents outright if you will receive similar help? Some posters will tell you your parents are entitled to do with their money as they please but if you all have good relationships, it is just odd. I would raise it and take things from there. I couldn't imagine treating my DC so differently.

All children should be treated the same by their parents as it otherwise causes resentment.

You'd have to be a saint not to be pissed off about that! How could any parent think that is fair?

Something similar happened in my mother's family. The falling out that resulted lasted decades and was only superficially repaired prior to death.

Could you approach your DPs about this? If it's too awkward to do it on your own behalf, perhaps you could ask them re your other sister, if she is struggling, are they intending to help her out too? They can read between the lines that you are asking about yourself too if they want to. Because singling out one child to the detriment of others is very wrong.

Yes they are wealthy and they could help me and my sister if they wanted to. But my older sister is like me and wouldn't have the nerve to in the first place ask for a loan for that sort of me like originally happened. But additionally I had a new kitchen and bathroom in Summer and took out extra money against my mortgage to fund it and they never offered any help.

Ask your parents to help you?

if you don't have the balls to raise it there isn't really anything you can do.

This. Even if they say no, at least you will hear how they justify the different treatment that your younger sister has been given.

They never OFFERED help to your sister either, she asked.

Ask your parents if you are getting half a million too like your sister, if they say no then you can start getting pissed!

so why didnt you ask?

You have no right to feel resentful when you haven’t even asked. Grow some balls and ask for help.

If you don’t, this is on you, not your parents or younger sister.

Older sister and OP have more self-respect than little sister, I would say. The parents should be making it plain that this huge gift will be allowed for in revised wills.

Providing they don’t pass away in the next 7 years, it’ll avoid IHT. Talk to them to see if they have a plan to avoid it for you and your sister as well.

YANBU. Sounds like your younger sister has been spoilt her whole life and potentially favoured?

It isn’t right after having paid for her wedding and new house, you and your other sister were gifted nothing.

You and your elder sister will need to speak with your parents because this will breed resentment and inevitably create a rift.

Also, them having gifted the money for wedding and house now, is actually more value than if they gift you the same amount later on, say in 20 years time.

Your parents seem to have enough common sense to have made so much money over their lives, yet don’t seem to understand the inequality in all of this. Very odd.

I can understand the posters suggesting you need to just ask. Which i agree with.

However, OP has a right to be upset because the parents are now fully aware that one DD has had preferential treatment. They should be actively reassuring the other DDs that they will endeavour to ensure it equals out in future through gifts or inheritance. Or admit that youngest DD has bled them dry!

Have you had a conversation with your Dsis who was bought the house, how she feels about this?

She asked for help but then when it has come to paying them back they have gifted her the money. The writing off the loan is what I am annoyed about.

She gets very confrontational when it is suggested she gets preferential treatment. But being told she doesn't have to give this loan back has now made her think she can just spend some more of her own money on this house instead and she can't really sense why me and my older sister are miffed.

I would have a conversation with them.

Similar (ish) hapenned to me. My brother couldn't afford to buy on his own so my parents bought his house jointly with him. They paid half outright and he had a mortgage on his half. When he later got married my parents gifted him and my SIL their half as a wedding present, to value of around 100k. Plus paid for their wedding. They also gave me 5k towards my wedding.

My husband and I need to do up our home but quotes came back much higher than expected. My mum asked me about when building work might start and I said we were going to have to hold off for a couple years to save more. Her response was 'why, when we have your 100k sitting here ready for whenever you needed it, but you and your DH seem to take such pride in doing your journey off your own hard work we didn't want to get in the way of that, and our will is written to reflect you getting more as your brother had a big chunk already'. My money equal to my brother was always there, I just had to ask for it. I always just assumed they gave my brother more as he has generally struggled more and needed it more, and I didn't have a big issue with that. And yes I have pride in what DH and I have acheived, and after watching my Dad build up from absolutely nothing and the confidence that gave him in himself, I just figured he wanted same for me, and that's why he never offered me the money. Plus after the wonderful childhood I had I never felt like I was owed anything.

PP’s point still stands. They may be sorting out their finances, rearranging stuff to avoid inheritance tax etc, and may have plans to make similar gifts to you and your other sister.
Talk to them about it before getting pissed off!

We were always brought up with "if you can't afford it you can't have it" so when I was told that when I was younger for example if I wanted to buy something but didn't have the money I'd do extra chores for more pocket money, and even now I have carried that train of thought on into adulthood. She just always asked my mum and dad for handouts anyway which they gave to her.

are you sure it is never pay it back? Not just don’t worry right now till your house is sold?

You seem to be miffed more with your younger DS. It's not her fault her parents gifted the money. If you want to raise it, you should speak to them.

Yep they were told to use the money to put towards starting a family instead.

There is an old saying
' if you don't ask, you don't get '

However you may find in years to come that they have amended their will as a result of your sister asking.

Oh wow. Yeah that’s very unfair. I would be speaking to your parents and potentially she pays it back when the Will is divided up.

Closed mouths don't get fed. Start asking, or just patiently await your inheritance.
Getting mad makes a blind bit of difference to what your parents will/can do with their money.