Parents bought sister a house

[MikeL1993]

I am the middle child between two sisters and there is 5 years between me and my older and younger sisters.

Me and my younger sister both own a three bed semi detached house, she lives with her husband and I live with my girlfriend and son who is 18 months old. The week after my son was born it was announced that my sister and her husband had bought a house. And we were all happy for them but then it turned out what had actually happened was they had approached my parents and asked them to lend them money so they could buy an old bungalow, raise it to the ground and build a new house and we were told that they would sell their current house after they have moved into this rebuilt house and then somehow pay my parents back the money they borrowed but everyone seemed vague about how that would happen.

Fast forward to now and they are almost ready to move in but the buyers of their current house have pulled out but it is not affecting any chain. Anyway we have now discovered that my parents have told them not to pay them back so with everything included have basically gifted my youngest sister half a million pounds or in that region.

Obviously this is now creating resentment for me and my older sister. It has been mentioned in passing that me and my gf are struggling for space in our house but we are having to make do until we can afford something bigger but that wont be for a number of years yet.

I think I am feeling most resentful because not only has my sister and her husband been gifted a house but when they had a big extravagant wedding back in Summer my parents paid for 90% of it whereas I am working all the hours I can and after bills and nursery fees etc I am having very little to show for it whilst my parents have given all this to my little sister and don't seem to understand why I am annoyed.

This is also not including that the money they have given my sister and her husband over the years with other stuff whereas I have basically been left to fend for myself.

Am I being unreasonable or am I justified in feeling annoyed?

I feel so sad for you. I can see this forming the basis for a rift in the family.

A close friend is a millionairess, (she earned the funds herself) and her father gave her younger sister, who wasn't affluent, the money for a semi-detached but beautiful historic house so that younger sis could relocate.

She was supposed to pay the funds back when she sold her existing house.

You no doubt guess what happened next. The sister sold her previous house and the father said she should keep the money from the sale, as he didn't need it. Cue resentment number 1. Younger sis had just been given a 500k house and still had her own proceeds from the other house sale.

Anyway, my friend's dad then wanted a new house himself, and he didn't then have the money left to buy it in cash; he'd need to sell his own house to be able to afford the new one, because he had given away the 500k!

But he was afraid the house he wanted would get sold meanwhile. So, he asked my millionairess friend if he could borrow the money from her, to fund the new house in cash right away. (All this while my friend's sister was now' sitting on' his own money because he had handed it to her).

This gets worse!

My friend loaned her dad the money for the new house, on the agreement he would repay the loan when he sold his own house.

It then turned out that the new house was the other side of the semi-detached where the younger daughter lived, the other half of the semi for which he had said daughter 2 could keep the cash! So, he had been planning to move into the other side of the semi to be next door to younger daughter, but was borrowing from my friend the cash sum so that he did not lose the house.

Then ... and it gets WORSE still!

The sister who already lived in the semi, (and who had been gifted by her father the hefty cash sum to buy it ... and next door to whom Dad was now planning to move) loved the other half of the beautiful old house as much as she liked her own. So, she started turning the two semis into one big house and she and her dad would live together in it! She knocked out all the dividing walls.

And ... it STILL gets worse!

My friend's father then decided he was actually quite happy where he was after all, so he would not move. He realised it would be a hellish upheaval to live in a construction site, so he would stay put!

So, he told his younger daughter she could keep the whole house, the two sides of the semi which she had now knocked into one, not at all giving thought to how a) he had bought her the first half of the house already and b) my friend had now paid for the second half, and the father wouldn't now be able to pay my friend back the loan they had agreed.

The privileged younger daughter was going to now get one whopping humongous house all to herself, (two kitchens, eight bedrooms etc) for no investment whatsoever, AND she had the cash from the sale of her own house.

Next thing that happened was that the two sisters fell out completely, vowing never to speak to one another again in their lifetimes. And my friend was out of £1m because half of that was the sum she had paid for 'dad's' half of the new house, and the other £500k was the sum that their dad had given to the other sister but not to my friend.

Result: A previously very close family became so fractured in a very short period, and when the father was dying, my friend could not bring herself to go and see him again because of this mess and the strain it had caused. So, he never got to see his elder daughter again.

And she then was the one who had to handle the estate after the father had died, at which point she used legal know-how to claw back the lost £500k she had loaned to her dad, but will never speak to her sister again. She hates her.

The long and short of it is that Mike, you need to confront this head on with your parents right now, and be frank about it.

It’s sad you don’t have a relationship with your parents open enough to just ask. If mine gifted 1/2 mil to my sibling I’d pick the phone straight up and ask what the bloody hell they were thinking!

I agree with you entirely, the OP should ask for help if the parents are wealthy and in a position to help.
However, there are many independently minded people who would resent having to do this. Unfortunately there are always be siblings who will approach their parents with a begging bowl.
I have a sibling who is the Golden Child who is also a gambling addict and has coerced thousands upon thousands from my father to clear his debts.
Not the same as your situation but injustices frequently happen within families.

You need to sit with your parents and discuss the imbalance of financial treatment between the siblings without getting personal (unless they do).

all off spring should be treated equally.

ive mentioned elsewhere my cousin hit her mother and second husband up for a substantial amount, which she received, but they made sure other offspring were equally compensated.

as an aside note, brace yourself your parents may have a sob story from your sibling for them to make the decision they did.

My DH went through this with his Mum. His sister claimed she couldn’t afford dental work so MIL gave her money which immediately went elsewhere, yet she hadn’t seen the new motorbike SIL was showing off on social media…

get your ducks in a row and talk to your parents.

Presumably the house your sister is selling will one day be sold? In which case Id be having words with your younger sister as she seems to be the problem as no self respecting sibling would accept such a huge sum.

This happened to me, sister got a house as a wedding present and the wedding paid for, i got nothing, yes my parents are well.off, but always favor my sister. Nothing i can do about there decision!!!

Have it out with them- I had a similar thing over an inheritance, don't bottle it up , tell them how you feel- bear in mind though it's entirely their decision, but get them to justify it.

This sounds like the best plan (caveat have not read later posts 😀). In my experience wealthy people generally obsess, at least verbally if not in their actions, an obsession with saving on IHT. This way you can congratulate them on using the undemanded mortgage ‘repayments’ they gift your sister each month as a way to protect that 500k from IHT. You could say you hope they realise you are up for helping them with any similar scheme - that they shouldn’t worry that you gave any personal objections to receiving a similar arrangement. (Only if you don’t obv)

The underlying emotion is from sibling rivalry. If it was Barry and Sharron down the road getting a hand out, you wouldn't care. It's not enjoyable to feel jealous, or short changed, but it all comes from the need to compete with siblings, prove who turned out the best.

You're not unreasonable to feel what you feel. Feelings are irrational, you can't magic emotions out of thin air. However, contrary to what everyone else seems to be saying, I'm of a very different opinion.

Your parents have come by their wealth somehow. The means is irrelevant. Your sister has asked for.monetary help and it has been given. Whilst one such gift may have started as a loan, it is up to your parents what they do with their wealth. Of they choose to share it with her, so be it. You do not have an automatic right to any inheritance. If they choose to.leave it to all of you, one of you, give it all to the local animal shelter, it is theirs to do what they please with.

You want to be treated like your sister and be helped in your struggling state. Instead of whining, swallow your self-pride like she did and ask for a loan. She had every intention of paying them back and went to do so. You seem to just want to be handed the money to buy a bigger place with no means of having a repayment plan. Upskill, get a new job. Wait til the children are out of nursery. It's not your sister's though that she appears to be in a better life and financial position than you. She sounds more savvy.

@MikeL1993 Kind of this.

It is really tricky! Like you say, you and older sister are of a different mindset, so the asking for handouts just feels ‘wrong’, but then the favouritism and resentment that then comes is horrible too. You’re not money grabbing, obviously, but then it is coming down to money and the unfairness.

I think a very clear conversation with the parents about it, and how it makes you feel, would be very helpful, but then I guess you also need to decide what you then do moving forward.

It is a lot of money to just ‘gift’, but I guess if they’re going to, now while they are younger and can see you, their family and grandchildren, benefit from it, then it is the time to do it…

Good luck!

My sis in law still lives at home with her dad,3 grown up children and a grandchild and a few years ago,fil signed the million pound house over to sis in-law. It upsets my husband so much and we've distanced ourselves now. Once fil goes then I think we will be going nc. As I keep telling husband,she can deal with the arse wiping when the time comes.

It’s not fair. The choices you have are:

• suck it up and accept it as one of life’s many many unfairnesses
• ask your parents for equal treatment and if they say no cut them off or hold a grudge
• cut them off of hold a grudge anyway
• express your frustration to your parents and then move on.

Just touching on some replies that state it is up to the parents as to who and how they gift their money…

imo parents raise their children to grow together, play along aside and treat each other nicely. Share toys, chores etc.

so it’s a bit of a turn around and a raised middle finger when the parents in turn don’t follow that practice with adult children and finances.

add to the mix the possibility of deception from the benefiting adult child, and it is going to create resentment.

if the parents want their children to play along nicely in life, they have to continue to lead by example..

I don't understand how parents favour a child over the other

Surely she should reap the rewards if she has cared for them in the.majority?

It often goes a lot deeper in why parents apparently ‘favour’ a child.
I’m the youngest of three sisters and my dear parents ( mother died in 2014 and father now in his mid 90’s) helped all of three of us to varying degrees throughout our lives, and could easily afford to, however our oldest sister married a wealthy guy and either didn’t have to work or never stuck at anything throughout her life, just flirted with jobs and became a self-published author, the middle sister was similar in that she never progressed her career bar a floristry business heavily supported by her husband and our parents. I stuck with my employer for years and raised through the ranks despite being a single parent and had three jobs at one time to support my children.
In recognition of my situation and hard work my parents were slightly more helpful to me, wanting to help their grandchildren (my children) as much as anything.
The resentment and bitterness that his caused! Despite being very comfortable, my oldest sister ‘banned’ my father from helping me, it was laughable and he ended up doing it secretly.
Ironically both sisters, after judging and looking down on me for many years and telling me to get a better paid job, fell on what for them was harder times when both their husbands lost their jobs and status, and both sisters ended up in minimum wage jobs.
When parents give more to one child, even adult children, it is often a reflection on merit and when they ‘like’ that child more, because of their personality and if that child has done more for them in their lives, just as I have. I’ve carried out the lion’s share of visiting my parents and caring for them in their lives (because I loved them) whereas my oldest sister has been dreadful, describing my father whose needs have been demanding over the last ten years (understandably, he’s 95!) as a ‘gangrenous limb she wants to amputate’ and refusing to visit him for months at a time and refusing to help with his care in any way.

Sure … but the signing over happened 20 years previous to any illness.

Lol. No, it really isn't the case that the child who gets 'helped' more is the one that works hardest and does the most for the parents and deserves it most. In my direct experience, and clearly that of a lot of other people on this thread, the exact opposite is true. My sister (middle child) is the one who's had all the financial help - she's also only ever flirted with jobs and the odds of her helping anyone in their old age are less than zero, unless you mean helping herself to their cash. It'll be down to me, because I'm the 'responsible' one with a good job, even though I'm also the black sheep of the family, for some reason. It's usually the pushiest child who gets the cash, as the OP's first post makes clear.

Perhaps you can cope and are doing well (new kitchen and bathroom hardly indicative of poverty) and your younger sister is finding things tricky at the moment. It may well be reflected in the Will - she's had hers upfront is all.

The OP needs to clarify that though, no doubt when the time comes she will be expecting her 1/3 and ignoring what's she's already had. The idea that the OP and the other sister are 'doing well' is irrelevant or are they to be penalised for working hard.

The key to this might be simply that you haven’t asked for help. Your parents might think of you as being independent and proud so don’t want to interfere when they think you are able to look after yourself. Your sister on the other hand has always been dependent on her parents so they know it’s what she wants. It’s not a good idea to treat children differently when it comes to money but, believe me, it can be a minefield as a parent deciding on how much to give each child, and when is the best time to do so. Unless there is a very good reason not to do so I expect your parents have corrected the inequality in their wills.

You are not being unreasonable. Your parents’ behaviour is outrageously unfair.

Don't ask , don't get. Maybe your parents are not aware of your struggle. Keeping quite and then moaning is like treading in dog mess on purpose and then moaning you have trodden in dog mess. Speak up. They are not mind readers.

I think you AIBU I’m afraid.
what are you more annoyed about, your sister for asking or your parents for giving? She’s allowed to ask, they are allowed to give.
just as you can ask. If you don’t want to that’s your choice.