Parents bought sister a house

[MikeL1993]

I am the middle child between two sisters and there is 5 years between me and my older and younger sisters.

Me and my younger sister both own a three bed semi detached house, she lives with her husband and I live with my girlfriend and son who is 18 months old. The week after my son was born it was announced that my sister and her husband had bought a house. And we were all happy for them but then it turned out what had actually happened was they had approached my parents and asked them to lend them money so they could buy an old bungalow, raise it to the ground and build a new house and we were told that they would sell their current house after they have moved into this rebuilt house and then somehow pay my parents back the money they borrowed but everyone seemed vague about how that would happen.

Fast forward to now and they are almost ready to move in but the buyers of their current house have pulled out but it is not affecting any chain. Anyway we have now discovered that my parents have told them not to pay them back so with everything included have basically gifted my youngest sister half a million pounds or in that region.

Obviously this is now creating resentment for me and my older sister. It has been mentioned in passing that me and my gf are struggling for space in our house but we are having to make do until we can afford something bigger but that wont be for a number of years yet.

I think I am feeling most resentful because not only has my sister and her husband been gifted a house but when they had a big extravagant wedding back in Summer my parents paid for 90% of it whereas I am working all the hours I can and after bills and nursery fees etc I am having very little to show for it whilst my parents have given all this to my little sister and don't seem to understand why I am annoyed.

This is also not including that the money they have given my sister and her husband over the years with other stuff whereas I have basically been left to fend for myself.

Am I being unreasonable or am I justified in feeling annoyed?

You’re dismissing good advice. ASK THEM FOR MONEY!!

Either ask them, or get over it.

Of course parents should treat kids fairly but do you really expect them to turn around to you and transfer you £500k because they spent that on another daughter? “Hey, I recently spent a lot of money on your sister so here’s the same”. Maybe they’re waiting for you to ask. Maybe they think you’ll come to them when you want/need to.

It’s not fair, absolutely, but you need to talk to them. Communication is everything.

Any honest parent would admit they have a favourite. You have found out now who that child is. Also, you are not entitled to your parents' money. It is unfair, but unfortunately it is true. They decide what they do with it.

A lot of the commentators don't understand the dynamics that give rise to this type of family situation. It happens at all time. A favoured child gets preferential treatment all their life. Often it is the youngest, or a child who is 'weak' in some way and 'needs' more help. The dynamic gets so entrenched that the parents and favoured child cannot see it for what it is and get defensive when questioned. The other child(ren) are left to feel resentful and/or go no contact.

It's pointless asking when you know what the answer will be. The reason the OP hasn't asked is because she doesn't want to open herself up to the pain of the parents favouring the DSis and then refusing outright to help her too.

Apart from getting things off your chest and telling us about the situation and the money etc, I dont know what you want from this thread. Many people are telling you, as an adult, to have a conversation and ask them for money like they have given your sister but you still haven't said you will. You either talk to them about it or just crack on. Simple.

This is very very true.

That's a strange question though - what does anyone want from a Mumsnet thread? Validation, really.

I think the poster's feeling of being unfairly treated by his parents is valid.

Ha, had a nosey after reading your comment. 6 threads whining about his parents this year. OP sounds very immature, I'm not surprised they don't want to give him half a million £.

I’d be resentful too. I hope your parents make it good in the end even if that isn’t when you need it. One set of my grandparents gave my parents a big chunk as a surprise one year when they forgave loans to other kids. But like you said - you and big sister wouldn’t and shouldn’t have to ask.

Honestly my big resentment is that my mum made my brother’s family weekly dinners of my childhood favourites 2 years ago for almost a year, and when she helps at ours I have to cook or order in, or she does pasta with jarred sauce or omelettes. I asked for Shepherd’s pie for my 40th and she was ill so couldn’t cook, but it’s more than a year later and I’m still waiting. Which I consider no less an offence than the 500k except I might have the balls to ask again (but what if she then doesn’t? Then it is the psychic injury of knowing where I fall. Just like all the stuff your parents spoil baby sis with)

Agree with this. I grew up with parents who were very fair with my brother and I, even down to small things we were always given equivalent amounts. I do the same with my daughters, I could not give one of them such a huge sum and not the other. The fair thing would have been to split whatever money they had available to give between the three of you equally.

If you asked for help would they help you?

as someone said if you don’t ask you don’t get. Find some audacity

Bloody hell I'd be so upset if my parents gave such a huge life changing sum of money to just one sibling. It's grossly unfair and does show favouring the younger sister.
I know it's their money but this would really upset me.
You ought to have a frank conversation with your parents.

It’s not really acceptable is it. I think you are well within your right to outwardly tell them the differential treatment has upset you. They have sat by and watched you struggle to make ends meet while baby sister is handed huge amounts of money. It’s not fair and it will affect your relationship moving forward. Not “because of money” but because you don’t feel anywhere near as cared for or considered as your younger sister. They’ve never suggested to help you out in even a much smaller way than what they leapt to help your DSis with.

Yes I’d ask if you and your other sister will be receiving £500k each soon.

Ask. If they're anything like my parents they will have made a note of what they've given each child and what's left when they die will be spread accordingly so that it's fair

That's really unfair. I had a quick look at the threads and it seems to me that OP is maybe only beginning to see how wrong the dynamics of his family are. The sister is very much favoured in all scenarios, I don't think he's wrong to feel how he does. For you to reduce his feeling to 'whining' shows you lack any understanding of how these type of families can treat siblings so differently and the effects that can have on someone. Or maybe you're the favoured one so you just don't get it.

You need to ask you parents first the help you need. Even if you feel conditioned not to and not get mad at your sister. It’s your parents you’re mad at.

don’t make it a comparison, don’t bring up your sister. Just start asking until it feels natural.

Oh come on. One of them is moaning that took his kid shopping whilst babysitting. No wonder they don't offer!
They offered to lend him money, he had a strop and said no.

I've seen parents claim they were doing this but then the rest of their estate was taken up by care home fees so there was nothing left for the other children when they died.

Out of curiosity - is this even legal in the UK ( assume you're in the UK)?
Aren't there any tax implications to essentially donating half a million pounds to a family member?
(In my home country that would be considered "early inheritance" and somewhat taxable)

My parent has given my siblings thousands and thousands of pounds over the years and has given me Jack shit. In fact they once gave me an old camera of theirs and then badgered me to give them the 30 quid. Took 200 quid off me for my first car when I was leaving home for my very first poorly paid job 5 hours away. I mostly try not to let it bother me but to be honest it really hurts and it pollutes my relationship with them. Not sure I could keep my mouth shut if it was half a million though

I really empathise with you. My sister has always been favoured. My parents have bought her an entire set up too and I’ve worked hard all my life and struggle to pay for nursery fees and mortgage. If I raise it I get looked at as though I’m a horrible selfish brat, despite everyone else we know seeing how obvious the favouritism is. It’s difficult. I don’t have any advice really, but I feel your pain.

OP I'm curious how you "discovered" the ins and outs of the financials?

YANBU to resent the help your sister gets, I would be pissed off too. However, YABU to say you don’t have enough space in your 3 bed house for you, your partner and an 18 month year old!

I would ask your parents for help upgrading your home if that’s what you want.

My older sister got given a house. I then got told my younger sister was getting everything on my parents death and I would get nothing because I was married. Hit me and dh were always struggling to get by. My younger sister had more money than me and no dc at the time. I cut them all off.
However in your circumstances op I would definitely check. It may be that they are setting something aside. But tread carefully, it sounds like you do not openly talk about money.