Parents bought sister a house

[MikeL1993]

I am the middle child between two sisters and there is 5 years between me and my older and younger sisters.

Me and my younger sister both own a three bed semi detached house, she lives with her husband and I live with my girlfriend and son who is 18 months old. The week after my son was born it was announced that my sister and her husband had bought a house. And we were all happy for them but then it turned out what had actually happened was they had approached my parents and asked them to lend them money so they could buy an old bungalow, raise it to the ground and build a new house and we were told that they would sell their current house after they have moved into this rebuilt house and then somehow pay my parents back the money they borrowed but everyone seemed vague about how that would happen.

Fast forward to now and they are almost ready to move in but the buyers of their current house have pulled out but it is not affecting any chain. Anyway we have now discovered that my parents have told them not to pay them back so with everything included have basically gifted my youngest sister half a million pounds or in that region.

Obviously this is now creating resentment for me and my older sister. It has been mentioned in passing that me and my gf are struggling for space in our house but we are having to make do until we can afford something bigger but that wont be for a number of years yet.

I think I am feeling most resentful because not only has my sister and her husband been gifted a house but when they had a big extravagant wedding back in Summer my parents paid for 90% of it whereas I am working all the hours I can and after bills and nursery fees etc I am having very little to show for it whilst my parents have given all this to my little sister and don't seem to understand why I am annoyed.

This is also not including that the money they have given my sister and her husband over the years with other stuff whereas I have basically been left to fend for myself.

Am I being unreasonable or am I justified in feeling annoyed?

My parents have done similar. I resent my sibling as a result and my feelings for my parents have been shattered tbh. They clearly literally value her more than me. I’ve stepped way back now and have a superficial relationship with the lot of them.

All children should be treated the same. Am sorry, understand your resentment and for the record, you shouldn't have to ask, they should be aware that their other children may feel very left out and undervalued someway.

My mum, despite not having seen her bad son for 30 odd years, still wanted him named in the will. When she passed, my dad was going to write him out, I asked him not to as mum always prided herself in treating us all the same and to respect her wishes, so dad reluctantly agreed. When dad died, the money went to us all, much to my estranged brothers shock! This is how to parent imo.

Mmm there's no way to do something like this that isn't massively risking resentment.

My parents signed over their house to my sister years ago. My sister now resents that she has done all the care towards her death (lots of other issues too) but will happily reap the rewards.

My neighbour is in the same situation, but she is the carer of both her elderly parents, the brother lives miles away and has very little in way of relationship with any of them (his choice, years ago). Only fair for her as she's given up her life to look after them and no chance to buy her own and build her own life. It's a trade off but she shouldn't feel resentment imo, her choice?

Did your parents get noticeably richer between your teenage years and your younger sisters teenage years? It's something that shapes their attitude to money if they grew up with more wealth

Agree - although in our case, this was done whilst we were still young and single and there was no hint of illness. She simply chose the favourite child.

It's literally in the last 5 years they have become wealthier as my dad sold his business and retired early.

You need to stand up for yourself.

You don't say if you are planning any kids or if you have any.

But this is 500k that you potential kids will not have.

This will affect your family's lifestyle significantly.

You need to broach the subject and ask whether they are going to give you and your other sister the same assistance?

Its not your sisters fault that you and your other sister dont have the balls to ask your parents for similar. Yabu.

So basically you’re quietly seething about not getting something you want but haven’t asked for, while your sister did get something she wants and did ask for.

What do you want your parents to do? Rescind the gift and tell their child actually she does have to repay the loan? Give you the same amount of money? Talk about things? Change their wills? What do you want to happen?

Just ask you parents nicely if it's possible that you and your sister have a lump sum too, to help like little sister did? See what they say. If they accept then that's great. If they decline then they obviously have favourites. That would make me upset for sure. But you need to ask before deciding anything.

If you say they can afford to do it for you also, ask them. That's what your sister did. Tbf they'd have to have a strong argument not to.

'Please can you help me with a deposit and moving costs of £30k?'
'No.'
'Why not? When you gifted my sister a £500k house?'
'erm...'

I kind of get it. My parents gave both my older and younger sister 10k each for a house deposit and gave me nothing. I think, if they wanted to they would have so I wouldn't ask them (they're divorced now). I think part of it is they don't approve of my choices as much (single mum, work in care). It is what it is. Weirdly I am probably closer emotionally to everyone in the family.

To everyone saying it's just a matter of 'having the balls to ask', just consider that years of differential treatment (compounded by the OP's sister getting stroppy when the issue is raised) are likely to make it very difficult to 'just ask'.

Am sorry, that's hard to swallow, esp the part where she now feels hard done by.

I can see why you are annoyed. However, I agree with other posters that if you havent asked for help then this isn't really your parents fault. In general I think parents should treat siblings equally to avoid this type of issue but I also think everyone's circumstances are different. If you havent spoken to your parents you also dont know if they do plan to even it out eventually ie do they have money they would happily give you if/ when you ask? Or maybe they plan to even it out via inheritance etc. Myself and all my siblings had some form of help buying our first homes but we did this many years apart when we actually asked. My parents have also helped us all with different things over the years (some gifted and some loaned)- my IVF, my sisters wedding etc- im not keeping score as its their money and i know they would try to help any of us if we asked. I think it would be much better to just ask for the help you need instead of fixating on what your sister has had and allowing resentment to build until it ends in a family fued. At the very least you will get the full story on the situation with your sister which you may not currently have!

The squeaky wheel gets the grease. What about having a browse of the larger properties you were looking at in the future, then asking your parents if you can have the money for the upgrade?

It's horrible, of course it's not BU to be upset that they play favourites.

No parent would wait for children to ASK to treat them equally, you just do.
I can't comprehend people like that. Best way to ensure the children never speak to each other again.

Your only option is to ask, you shouldn't have to, but at least you can try that.
And go from there.

Sadly, it's usually the spoiled brat and the ones who take advantage who disappear later on when parents need help, and leave all the work and care to the others, brace yourself!

Thank you, at least someone gets it. When I was younger if I ever brought up that she was being treated better than the rest of us it always caused an argument so now I don't bother saying anything. I'm just annoyed my parents have shown preferential treatment and can't sense me and my older sister are pissed.

My parents willing gifted in the region of £500K to my sister and her husband but didn't even offer to help towards our new kitchen and bathroom which was around £20K even though they knew we didn't have the full amount so took the extra money against our mortgage. If that is not a situation where they would offer to help what is essentially pocket change in comparison I don't know what is.

Thought so, OP. It rarely is about just money. Sending love and solidarity; it is deeply unfair and hurtful (even though it is also likely that your sister's will come back to bite her in many ways).

I couldn’t let this one drop and absolutely would be speaking with my parents !

it would be enough to cause permanent rift between me, my parents and sibling

You didn’t ask! She did!!

Use your voice, please. All this whining without having a straightforward conversation is very childish.

How wealthy are you compared with your sister? My parents help my sister out a lot more than they do me. But I am better off than my sister, so I have no issues at all with it.