Parents bought sister a house

[MikeL1993]

I am the middle child between two sisters and there is 5 years between me and my older and younger sisters.

Me and my younger sister both own a three bed semi detached house, she lives with her husband and I live with my girlfriend and son who is 18 months old. The week after my son was born it was announced that my sister and her husband had bought a house. And we were all happy for them but then it turned out what had actually happened was they had approached my parents and asked them to lend them money so they could buy an old bungalow, raise it to the ground and build a new house and we were told that they would sell their current house after they have moved into this rebuilt house and then somehow pay my parents back the money they borrowed but everyone seemed vague about how that would happen.

Fast forward to now and they are almost ready to move in but the buyers of their current house have pulled out but it is not affecting any chain. Anyway we have now discovered that my parents have told them not to pay them back so with everything included have basically gifted my youngest sister half a million pounds or in that region.

Obviously this is now creating resentment for me and my older sister. It has been mentioned in passing that me and my gf are struggling for space in our house but we are having to make do until we can afford something bigger but that wont be for a number of years yet.

I think I am feeling most resentful because not only has my sister and her husband been gifted a house but when they had a big extravagant wedding back in Summer my parents paid for 90% of it whereas I am working all the hours I can and after bills and nursery fees etc I am having very little to show for it whilst my parents have given all this to my little sister and don't seem to understand why I am annoyed.

This is also not including that the money they have given my sister and her husband over the years with other stuff whereas I have basically been left to fend for myself.

Am I being unreasonable or am I justified in feeling annoyed?

I can completely understand why you are annoyed OP. It’s plain unfair. Your parents are not going admit this. My sister was constantly given money which she asked for. Some was hidden from me because’I would get jealous’ which was an easier way to phrase ‘ would find it unfair and unreasonable’.
There may be a reason, I actually called my parents out on it and asked’Is it because my sister is irresponsible with money and you think she won’t see you again if you refuse ?’

I think you have the choice to accept this or acknowledge the unfairness tell them and then move on. It’s very upsetting.

By turning the loan into a gift they have, presuming you 3 are the beneficiaries of their wills, done you all a favour by releasing 500k from their large estate. Assuming they live for 7 years since the loan was forgiven so no IHT becomes due.

Ask them if they have made mention of this in their will or some other legal document so it is noted that your sister has had 500k early. And ask them if they could help you as they have helped her. Emptying their estate now if they are cash rich, or can comfortably liquidate assets, is the best thing they can do for all of you whilst they are still alive and kicking and hopefully live for another 7 years. It’s not being greedy, it’s being clever and minimising 40% IHT due when they die. Hopefully they have set up a trust in their will which comes into force when the first one dies.

But at the end of the day it’s up to them who they leave their money to or dispersals they make now.

I don’t really understand the ‘Well you didn’t ask’ argument. I think it’s up to the parents to make it clear to OP and her older sister that they have set aside the same amount of money for them (or haven’t but have made different arrangements for them in their will). I can’t conceive of giving one of my children this amount of money without doing the same for the other. And if I couldn’t do the same for the other (which I couldn’t!!) I wouldn’t do it for the first child either. It is so obvious that giving one child out of three a huge sum of money with no explanation of whether the other two will be treated the same is going to cause resentment. Yes of course it’s the parents’ money to use as they wish but at best it’s unwise to treat your children so differently.

We’ve been very fortunate that both mine and DH’s parents have the attitude that things have to be fair. They keep records of who has had what so far (they are generous with their gifts and loans) to make sure that everyone is treated equally. I try to do the same with our adult DC. DD and DSIL are looking to buy their first house atm and DH and I have already discussed what we can offer them to help with the deposit (they have no idea of this) but we will also make sure that DS and DDIL are asked if they would like the same amount now or if they’d rather wait and have it later. Anything else seems crazy to me!

I think it’s really hard to ask your parents for money - it would never occur to me to think I had a right to, or think it was about ‘having the balls to ask’. To my mind, any gifts are at parents’ initiative only.

Having a conversation about being treated differently, however, is totally the right thing to do, I think. Sounds very hard though if they aren’t already realising how hurtful it is not to treat their children in a similar way.

Oh fgs just have the conversation with them you and your sister. They've been very unfair, so tell them @MikeL1993

My parents did similar but made it very clear and o everyone that they were adjusting my dsis's portion of the will to take this into account so no misunderstandings. They didn't have to though. It's their money to spend how they see fit.

You and your older sister need to sit down with parents and say you are both distressed & bewildered by this preferential treatment, explain that you both feel it sends a very strong message about your roles & value in the family, & ask if they have plans to achieve equal treatment in some way.

Also explain the difficulties & challenges you and your sister are facing, & make it clear that you are describing those as you don’t understand why these challenges are being treated as so much less important than any challenges faced by younger sister. Explain that you think different treatment of siblings is distressing and makes it very difficult to maintain good family relationships- because it really does.

You don’t mention your parents’ ages - but trying to account for this in their Wills would still give very preferential treatment, as your sister will have had the benefit of this while her family are young, whereas you could be waiting decades.

Unless you are the Middletons and you could be forgiven to assume that Kate didn't need help with her mortgage and living arrangements, and offering to help the other siblings (not that they've done too badly either) 😂

What kind of parent would wait for the kids to ask after they gift a house to one? Do a supermarket shop for one who's struggling and forget to ask the other one if they need help with groceries, fine.

As soon as it reach a few thousands, or even less, of course you treat them equally.

And your parents may well do the same for you and your other sister. You haven’t asked so your parents haven’t offered. If I read the OP correctly your younger sister asked your parents for the money ( originally a loan) and your parents agreed.

If you want help you should ask them and then you will know if it’s “favouritism” or they just respond to requests. It may well be that it hasn’t occurred to your parents to loan / gift you money because you have never asked. While situations may be obvious to some they are not to others.

Rather than keeping hold of this resentment based on assumptions , reframe it - what might the outcome be if I ask. You have a great opportunity to test whether your assumptions are correct about favouritism. You say you have recently increased your mortgage to have some work done. Ask your parents if they would consider helping you out to reduce your mortgage back down as the monthly repayments are stretching your budget.

We've lent money when needed, but keep track, expect it returned eventually just to keep things fair.

What’s your relationship like with your parents? putting money issues aside

How have you uncovered all this info btw?

Sometimes I feel like I’m not assertive enough and then I see threads like this and it makes me realise that I am because I would have had to say ok where is our half a mil then 😅 there’s absolutely no way I could sit back and not say anything. If they were willing to gift my sibling that and not me then that would be the end of our relationship I think.

Oh a drama llama then.

I'm in a similar position. I'm the eldest and my parents did help me out with some money towards a deposit when my partner and I bought. A few years later they helped out my younger sister and my younger brother – but gave them each over double what they had given me. My sister mentioned how much it was (I don't think she was meant to tell me) and when I was a bit shocked she must have told my parents, as they then told me that I was 'owed' the difference to make it even. That was over 5 years ago and nothing has happened. I have been going through some very difficult times financially and it is difficult not to feel resentment towards the situation. Most recently I've had to have a lot of emergency dental work done which is expensive. My parents are aware of the cost of this but haven't helped. They also help my sister out financially a huge amount with her children. My partner and I are unable to have children, and it's difficult not to feel like they place more value on her needs because she has children. Being the eldest, this is something that seems to have happened a lot since I was a kid – there will be one rule for me and then my parents relax it or are more generous with my younger siblings. I find that it is increasingly affecting how I relate to them and then I feel guilty for it. It's not a nice situation to be in. Parents should be very careful about treating children equally.

Do you know what is in there wills? My parents helped me buy my house when I was on my knees in divorce - nowhere near 500k though. The deal is that they have reflected this in there wills and my brother and sister get a larger chunk of there estate. We are all happy with this and we believe that some people need help sooner than others.

Just ask if you want more, sounds like your sister does so why shouldn’t you.

Also if you have a 3 bedroom semi and one child you’re not logically struggling for space. You want more and that’s okay, but your fine for space.

If you don't treat your children all the same you've failed at parenting. You're building unnecessary resentment between siblings.

So this is on your parents. Not your sister.

Have it out with them then, and talk to them! Say you feel hard done by when you’ve had to add extra to your mortgage to get your bathroom done while your sister has essentially been given £0.5m.
Tell them you’re struggling for space and wish you could move to a bigger house, would they be willing to help you do that, in a similar way to how they have helped your sister. See how they try and justify not helping you.

This is a really tricky and I absolutely understand where your coming from but also understand it's a minefield and tricky to raise without seeing rude. Ultimately it's their money and they can spend it how they want but you know that. Its hurtful because of the difference in how you've been treated and that is I think how you tactfully need to raise it.
If you do nothing resentment will grow and ruin the relationships within the family. You said you're annoyed that your parents haven't realised you and older sister are annoyed but actually they may have done but either don't know how to raise it or they may feel you don't want help as haven't asked. If this is the case it's resolvable but if you don't ask you could risk a fall out that need never happen.
I think the easiest way to raise it might be around the kitchen you took further funds on your mortgage for. I'd sit them down on their own and say you felt hurt that when you needed to do work at home you took funds on your mortgage and help wasn't offered and have felt hurt by the gesture made to your sister. You will know if this is a favoritism thing from their reaction. If it is Ultimately there's not a lot you can do but at least you can tailor the relationship as you want to knowing 100%. There's too much room for uncertainty unless you actually talk to them. Good luck it's not an easy one x

This rings true with me. My parents used to say they'd 'make everything fair' in their wills, but this actually isn't going to happen either. All their money will almost certainly go on care fees. That would be fine - of course - if it wasn't for the broken promises. Well, lies. My sister - and younger brother - have had significantly more than I have, but to make up for it, my parents keep going on about me being a 'high achiever' and 'the most resilient person they know.' This is a myth they've invented to justify treating us differently. In reality, I'm on a very average wage, work hard with not a lot to show for it, and have long-term mental health problems including OCD, ADHD and depression and anxiety. But everyone just glosses over that and makes out like I'm the family's version of JK Rowling (I'm a journalist - not a highly paid profession unless you're Boris Johnson!)

Well I would ask my parents this question rather than random strangers. Why have you only helped younger sis? We are all struggling and could do with some help and then see what they say. Maybe they think you are managing fine as you never asked. My parents have helped me buy a house. They also helped my elder sis but the amounts are different. She has had help twice as she has bought two houses and myself only once. She re-paid some of the money but then my parents said not to bother. I haven’t repaid any and was told it was a gift. I definitely get a lot more help from my parents financially than my sister. But she earns around 600K and I earn about 47K. My sister is very generous and doesn’t grudge any of the help I get. She also buys me lovely presents when she travels or sees me. We live in different continents. We are all open with money matters so there are no grudges.

Yes yes it’s hard to ask when you’ve been raised not to ask, but now you know that you can ask. So the answer is to get over it and ask - simples 🤷‍♀️.
Feeling resentment towards your sister is unfair. She asked! If there’s anyone to feel resentment towards it’s your parents for treating you differently, but arguably they haven’t treated you differently as you haven’t actually asked …

Your parents are a disgrace.
You absolutely need to speak to them and lay out the math.
Write it down and have it with you.
Give it to them and say that is the difference in treatment of us and I am deeply hurt by it.

Shutting you down as a child, with anger when you mentioned their favoritism was emotional abuse of you.

You need to write it all down, the wedding and the house.
So they can't pretend they didn't know.

Tell your older sister of your intentions.
Personally I would be seeing a lot less of them if they continue to deny the favoritism of her.

Make it very clear to your parents that THEY are souring relationships because of THEIR behaviour.