Parents bought sister a house

[MikeL1993]

I am the middle child between two sisters and there is 5 years between me and my older and younger sisters.

Me and my younger sister both own a three bed semi detached house, she lives with her husband and I live with my girlfriend and son who is 18 months old. The week after my son was born it was announced that my sister and her husband had bought a house. And we were all happy for them but then it turned out what had actually happened was they had approached my parents and asked them to lend them money so they could buy an old bungalow, raise it to the ground and build a new house and we were told that they would sell their current house after they have moved into this rebuilt house and then somehow pay my parents back the money they borrowed but everyone seemed vague about how that would happen.

Fast forward to now and they are almost ready to move in but the buyers of their current house have pulled out but it is not affecting any chain. Anyway we have now discovered that my parents have told them not to pay them back so with everything included have basically gifted my youngest sister half a million pounds or in that region.

Obviously this is now creating resentment for me and my older sister. It has been mentioned in passing that me and my gf are struggling for space in our house but we are having to make do until we can afford something bigger but that wont be for a number of years yet.

I think I am feeling most resentful because not only has my sister and her husband been gifted a house but when they had a big extravagant wedding back in Summer my parents paid for 90% of it whereas I am working all the hours I can and after bills and nursery fees etc I am having very little to show for it whilst my parents have given all this to my little sister and don't seem to understand why I am annoyed.

This is also not including that the money they have given my sister and her husband over the years with other stuff whereas I have basically been left to fend for myself.

Am I being unreasonable or am I justified in feeling annoyed?

Another day, another post about adult kids moaning about what parents do with their hard earned money ! Phew!

Very similar issue in my own family. Sister (middle child, I am the oldest) has had endless handouts, been helped with a mortgage, mum and dad have paid for her house to be extended and everything from her car to the various courses she's 'had' to do to get a career (she's never actually had a full-time job). She's weaponised her divorce and being a single mum to get them to keep giving her money, but I'm also a single mum, and haven't had a penny of help from them. I haven't asked though as - like the OP - I've been conditioned not to. When we were kids, I had to get a part-time job and pay for my own clothes, hair cuts etc but she just got given the same. Ironically it's because Mum said she always wanted us to have 'the same' so if I do well, she's always just given the same thing to my sister. Unsurprisingly my sister is insanely entitled. She also gets very confrontational when it's suggested she's had preferential treatment. Both mum and my sister will lie to my face about what she's been given. It's pretty obvious that someone without a job couldn't pay for an extension though!

My mum seems to avoid speaking to me as much as she can - it's pretty hurtful tbh. Either she doesn't like me or feels guilty about the unequal treatment or both. I've thought about going NC but even though she's shit, she's still my mum, and I want her to have a relationship with my kids (her GC).

Similar happened here. MIL gave Sil half the cost of a flat, then paid to renovate and convert the loft. Then another deposit for a 2nd flat. Then when she decided they were too small she gave her a 4 bed house in a very £££ area and fully gutted and redid it for her too. Also a BMW for a birthday. Yes 2nd hand but still. DH got a 2nd shirt for his birthday.

It's upsetting more for the difference in treatment than the actual money.

MIL is very proud of her hard working DD and the start of her property empire!

It's not the money though, it's the principle. If the OP thought his parents loved them equally, there wouldn't be an issue. But spending vastly more on one child than other is a statement of preference - and that hurts when you're the least-favoured one.

“I live with my girlfriend and son who is 18 months old.”

its right there in the OP

Perhaps your parents decided leaving the money with your dsis is the most tax efficient thing to do. If they survive 7 years, it's possible.

Perhaps that leaves them able to leave £1m split between the two remaining sisters under the current IHT laws.

Why don't you talk to them instead of getting all bitter and twisted?

Well, it's not her you should be annoyed with. It's your parents.

Depends what your principles are, and what you believe fairness actually to be.

Why haven't the parents talked to ALL their kids, if that was what they were doing? Why single out one? It's a recipe for resentment.

Trying to talk about money with family is rarely anything other than a horrifically awkward conversation - at least it is in mine. Easy to advise other people to do it if it's fine in your own family.

As a mum myself, my principles include being honest with my kids and treating them both equally. I have a great relationship with both of mine. I do not have a great relationship with my mother.

I think you are being unfair by being annoyed at your sister for this. Your anger should only be with your parents. I do understand your anger completely.

But did you ask for help? Read my post above - my parents thought I didn't want their help and that it would potentially offend me (my mum is a huge overthinker and lives her life desperate not to offend anyone) so didn't offer it.

Same. I always got told 'don't be bitter, Mangelwurzel.' Heard that a lot!

It's not being 'bitter', it's being hurt and upset.

To be honest I cant imagine my parents giving me a loan. They would give me money but never expect it back especially if it's money that isjt immediately to hand as in your sister's case as the buyers have pulled out.

Op on the face of it it looks very unfair but is it possible that your parents are just a bit thoughtless? Whenever your sister asks they give but you don't know that they wouldn't do the same for you. Can you just ask them? I mean even if you dont want to ask for money could you just ask them if they would do the same for you if you did ask?

This is important - did they OFFER to help your younger sister or did she ask? It sounds like the latter.
You could ask too next time you'd like financial help. If they refuse you could say (once, and calmly) that you feel hurt your sister has been given so much and you nothing. But give them the chance to refuse first - they may be able and happy to make a generous gift.

Id be pissed off too. My brother (middle child) was always "oh woe me" and a bit lazy abd made sine very poor choices in life crime). My parents got a windfall and gave us each 30k, but asked if we minded if brother had their old hoyse instead (a better deal), we were all fine with it. Came to pass, rest of us were just fine, but poor brother got a house built from father's money (and lied many times about it to us) then got all the inheritance ... because we were fine, had good jobs, because we'd grafted. Truly peed me off, the lies particularly, told to manipulate things to his own ends. Never spoken to him since and never will ... disgraceful and pathetic behaviour

First world problem final boss

But all joking aside, if you don't ask, you don't get.

Presumably you take pride in working hard and want to show your kids that you have to work for what you get bla bla bla

Well not everyone's like that and some people can enjoy a handout just as much as something they worked for. You should pity your sister surely? She won't enjoy the home as you enjoy yours, that you worked for.

My sister and her husband are in a much better financial position than me and my girlfriend.

And that's obviously fair enough. For me, I don't need to be treated 'equally' with my sister, as our needs are not equal.

I think you can ask if that gift will be reflected in any inheritance that is left to you all. You might not have felt that you were brought up to ask for help, but they've shown that they will if asked so you've got nothing to lose but afk for money, and then point out the disparity.

Well, then I would communicate. So many relationships fall over due to poor communication.

I think it could be fine to help one child more than another, if the child really needed that. But then you also make that really clear to your other child, keep all communication honest, and make sure both children feel equally loved. Not feeling equally loved is what this whole situation is really about.

Not unreasonable to feel miffed. You can either just live with the resentment or ask your parents for a similar gift. I don't think you have to feel bad about doing that.

Of course. Communication is key in every single relationship.

I'm confused. Have your parents actually gifted £500k or is that just how much the house is worth? The size of gift has implications for how big of a deal this is.