Parents bought sister a house

[MikeL1993]

I am the middle child between two sisters and there is 5 years between me and my older and younger sisters.

Me and my younger sister both own a three bed semi detached house, she lives with her husband and I live with my girlfriend and son who is 18 months old. The week after my son was born it was announced that my sister and her husband had bought a house. And we were all happy for them but then it turned out what had actually happened was they had approached my parents and asked them to lend them money so they could buy an old bungalow, raise it to the ground and build a new house and we were told that they would sell their current house after they have moved into this rebuilt house and then somehow pay my parents back the money they borrowed but everyone seemed vague about how that would happen.

Fast forward to now and they are almost ready to move in but the buyers of their current house have pulled out but it is not affecting any chain. Anyway we have now discovered that my parents have told them not to pay them back so with everything included have basically gifted my youngest sister half a million pounds or in that region.

Obviously this is now creating resentment for me and my older sister. It has been mentioned in passing that me and my gf are struggling for space in our house but we are having to make do until we can afford something bigger but that wont be for a number of years yet.

I think I am feeling most resentful because not only has my sister and her husband been gifted a house but when they had a big extravagant wedding back in Summer my parents paid for 90% of it whereas I am working all the hours I can and after bills and nursery fees etc I am having very little to show for it whilst my parents have given all this to my little sister and don't seem to understand why I am annoyed.

This is also not including that the money they have given my sister and her husband over the years with other stuff whereas I have basically been left to fend for myself.

Am I being unreasonable or am I justified in feeling annoyed?

It's really infuriating when they can't see the unequal treatment.

However, you won't change them. So you'll either have to bite the bullet and copy her tactics and ask, or accept that they're never going to offer you money.

It's shit, but that's the reality of the situation you are in.

Oh dear. Well, you're not alone. My mum bought my brother a coastal house in a lovely Cornish town for him and his wife to live in. Meanwhile, my husband and I have struggled for every penny to survive in our rental flat. It's been a right bloody mess to be honest - I did eventually ask what her plan was since apparently she "loves us equally" and I think she finally understands why I feel so neglected. However, there's no way she can magic a second house up for us (and nor would I want her to!). It's just the principle. She now she's very sorry, but I can't help but resent it. It's been quite the fodder for therapy, and things will never be equal again.

OP, you really need to talk to your parents about this. If you don't communicate, your resentment will become unmanageable. Communication is the key. Approach them with calmness and curiosity rather than anger. For all you know, your sister has a vulnerability that you don't know about. Or they are going to make it even in their will but haven't told you because they haven't got round to altering it yet.

Until you TALK to them, you just don't know.

Jesus Christ! My parents also (very kindly) gifted me 500k for a house but my sibling also - they would NEVER think of just doing it for just one of us. I would be massively upset my that, as anyone would.

😯 that would suck!

Surely the parents can see that the other two will feel badly treated if there isn't some future arrangement put in place even if they don't want to give them money now? I would certainly be asking if this inequality will be ironed out in wills etc..

It seems unfair on paper but it might not be all as it seems. I would not dream of asking mÿ parents for this kind of loan, either, but your sister was ready to pay back the loan and told she didn't need to. Although your parents have not been explicit, it could well be that they have adjusted the amount your sister has had so that you and your other sister have more in the will to even things up. We have bought our eldest son a house because he is disabled and we wanted him to be settled long before anything happened to us. We spoke to our other son and daughter and have made it clear that they will be treated equally by inheriting the equivalent amount in our will. They also know that when/if they are ready to buy a house, we will help them if we possibly can. It sounds as if your parents would be willing to help you if you asked outright rather than hinting.

Well this is ridiculous. Talk to them!!!

Your sister asked.
If you ask and they refuse, then you’ll have a case.
Forget about what happened when you were children.

It certainly would if the authorities come at the sister for repayment of this money if care home fees are needed, the 7 year inheritance window doesn't apply to care homes though the parents sound wealthy enough to probably be able to fund themselves.

It’s very unfair
you're parents aren’t thinking straight
i think the lending £ scenario was fine but to just gift it is not right.
more fair would ge to knock off a third off the debt and then you and your other sister be entitled to your third of it when finances allow

It's your parents money not your inhertiance BUT you don't have to be available for them in the future for nursing needs, the golden child can get stuck in and wipe their arses.

You say your parents "don’t seem to understand why I am annoyed". I can’t see how they could not understand. Have you actually said "Mum, Dad, it’s great that you were able to effectively give Littlesis half a million, but can you see that seems rather unfair to me and Bigsis? We are struggling too and it’s causing some bad feeling between the three of us, that we're not being treated equally. Can you see what I mean?"

Of course, they might tell you to MYOB.

Similar thing happened to someone i know - they gifted one son 200K to buy a house because they felt sorry that he had no assets to bring into a marriage. Other siblings rightly miffed - now anything they hoped to give other children, is going on the care home fees

I think you have every right to be annoyed OP. When the loan turned into a gift your parents should have realised that they should gift the same amount to all their children- ideally at the same time. Maybe they are intending on gifting you and your other sister similar amounts in the future, or making arrangements in their will, but receiving a large sum like that earlier in life does massively impact on the life choices someone can make and their financial security for life - ie being able to pay off a mortgage in your 30s has a much bigger impact than in your 50s after the interest has racked up and also had to work full time for years/ put children in childcare etc.

I think you need to sit down with your older sister and find out exactly how she feels about this and whether or not its an issue she is prepared to make a stand on. if she is then I suggest the 5 of you sit down and discuss this like adults. explain how you feel that this is favouritism (because it is) and make it clear to your parents that this isnt something you find acceptable. I am worried about your parents making proper provision for their retirement and whilst they might be wealthy now what about in 25 years time? I would be clear to them that if they arent going to even things up then when the time comes to give them support and it will, you will be doing it commensurate to how they have treated you now. your youngest sister knows whats gone on and couldnt care less I am afraid thats why she is being defensive. Personally depending on how this family discussion went it would make me re evaluate my relationship with them.

You are right to be annoyed! My mum and dad gave my sister 100k so she could buy her council flat. They have changed their will so that my sister gets 100k less when we sell thier house. It still annoys me because she is mortgage free now and her house will go up in value so she will still benefit much more than me and my brother. Also she makes crap life choices and seems to get rewarded for them. I do realise it will eventually go to my nieces though so that part makes me feel better about it. I think parents need to be fair to all thier children it will just create resentment. It's not really the money it's being treated differently which hurts. Have you said anything to your parents? I would be deeply hurt by this 500k is a huge amount of money especially as you say you are struggling it reeks of favorites. I would never do this to my kids.

Well the Golden Child can be the one running around after them in their old age.
If if they ask what you want for Christmas just say a cheque for what dsis was handed out.

Not sure I could see any of them in the same light tbh..

This won’t be the only case of such favouritism, there must have been other incidences growing up together.
I get the point that your sister asked which you and your other sibling didn’t however it’s your parents choice to right the loan off…
I guess you get the satisfaction of knowing you are where you are through your own sheer hard work, but I totally understand it’s a bitter pill to swallow. My Grandmother used to say if people don’t choose to help you at least you never have to bend over backwards to say thank you or feel you owe anyone.
I have three children and I can’t imagine doing what your parents have done, I know of other families that have given to one child and when it’s come to inheritance that child didn’t receive anything, as they had already had ‘their share’ but everyone was aware that this would be the case.
People will come on and say your parents don’t owe you anything because you are a fully fledged grown up, and it’s their money to do as they please but treating you all so differently, I think, is awful.

Of course they are. They've had mum and dad bankroll them 😞I'd be pissed off too if I was you 😞

Very similar situtation here. Parents bought my brother a house. He apparently "needs it", and while I understand he is a single parent, going for an expensive 4 bedroom starter house maybe isn't the way of showing someone how to stand on their own feet. I don't doubt that they are also paying his electricity, maintenance, cleaning bills etc as I probably he can afford that either. It is very frustrating for all other parties to watch, and honestly, the only thing you can do is step back and accept. You are never going to change their minds on their decision. They might make it right with inheritance one day, they might not, you can't change that unfortunately, and if you try you're going to come accross as grabby. Your feelings are valid, but they made their choices. It is really shitty, so you have my sympathies.

Sympathies. It really is both galling and sad to realise you are not an equal in your parents eyes. Whether that’s related to their money, their time, their effort, their feelings, anything. I’ve been there. In my case it’s caused me to step back, maintain a superficial level relationship and keep expectations low. I’m not important to them, so I just get on with my life and try and be a different parent to my own DC. It’s crap but I can’t change it.

Start referring to her as The Favourite Child in all family comms.

This, too. They need to explain their reasoning to all of you, otherwise it's going to make things awkward and uncomfortable.

It's perfectly normal you and your older sister are annoyed.
Your parents cannot have done this without knowing in advance that they were basically discriminating against both of you. It's not something you do without realising it - the amount of money involved is too much for that.
Parents often have a favourite child unfortunately, it happened in my family too - my parents paid for the wedding of the youngest daughter but didn't give a penny to anyone else.
The French have a great system to avoid this type of favoritism - all children have to be treated equally when it comes to inheritance, including any from another mother (where the father was unfaithful etc) - the bloodline over-rules all else.

As your parents are wealthy, I think you and your sister should approach them together and ask for an equal amount of help for both of you. If they say no, you can ask why and then at least you both know where you stand.

If you don't ask, the resentment will grow over time - that's a certainty.

Strike while the iron is hot.