To think it’s really sad how many care home residents don’t get visitors?

[RoomByTheWindow]

I recently read something that said a huge percentage of care home residents never get a single visitor. No family, no friends - not even during holidays or birthdays. That’s stayed with me.

I know every situation is different. Some families are far away, some relationships are strained. But still, the idea that people can live out their final years with so little human contact feels bleak. Even a short visit or a card can mean the world.

I’m not trying to guilt-trip anyone. I just think we don’t talk enough about what it means to age in a society where people are too busy, too distant or too uncomfortable to show up.

AIBU to feel really unsettled by this and to think more of us should be checking in?

My family member, who is in a home, distanced themselves from the family due to his lifestyle and they hardly ever saw him. Now there’s only his nieces and nephews left, and we have no relationship with him. So it’s his doing really.

I have relatives who never cared about me. I don't care to go see them in a home.

My friend's mum was good to me for years and later my children. I visit her in her care home. Because she matters.

My Fil died alone ( not in a care home) two years ago he had removed himself from his family and hadent,seen either of his kids for over 30 years and didn't know any of his six grandchildren
Compare that to.my aunty' who is in a nursing home because of a stroke
She's never married or had her own children, but she's a much loved family member whose five siblings, numerous neices and nephews, s great ,neices,and nephews visit her constantly
There is often a reason why people don't get visitors

DH's grandad would just get too distressed (dementia) as he would sort of know that he should know who visitors were (family) but couldn't remember and that would confuse and upset him and he would spiral for hours and he would often then try to escape. In the end DMIL had the difficult conversation with the home management to stop coming. Really sad but it wasn't making him happier.

Like a lot of things in life, you reap what you sow.

My mil will be alone, it’s sad but she will. She’s only interested in you if she wants something, then when you try to help it’s never good enough. She’s still well enough, but already has very few friends and family around. She judgmental, critical and uncaring ( my youngest had sepsis from appendicitis, my mil never even asked how she was! . Just stated “ I’ve never seen such a fuss over nothing” , my dd had to have two toes amputated)
Honestly some people bring it on themselves

My mum's husband gets no visitors apart from her monthly duty visit. For the record, he is a vile, alcoholic piece of shit, so that is on him.
As he doesn't have a clue who he is or what happening, it makes no difference whether people visit or not. The same I suspect is true for just about everyone in his home - so far advanced with dementia, visitors are irrelevant.

OP - I think you are naive about the reality of the end of many people's lives in care homes and what dementia actually looks like. Lack of visitors is not the cruelty, keeping them alive is.

There will be reasons why no one wants to see them.
As PP said- people reap what they chose to sow.

If people I'm related to end up in a care home I will not be visiting. Parents chose to inflict trauma on me for decades then ended our relationship. Aunts and uncles haven't bothered with me and don't even know my surname.

People living in a care home by definition get human contact - from other residents and from care staff. Far better for someone than being isolated and unwell in their own home.

Yeah I worked in a care home for a while and it's gut wrenching how many of them were totally alone. I did a couple of Christmases and they were devastating. I'm sure some of them were horrible to their families and had brought their loneliness upon themselves as pp are pointing out, but not all of them.

I feel like that's a silly blanket statement to make "well my dad was abusive, therefore all lonely elderly people deserve it and brought it on themselves!" (And very typical of Mumsnet threads unfortunately, some people seem utterly incapable of conceiving of a world outside of their own bubble of personal experience)

The reality is people prioritise other things over their elderly relatives and soothe their conscience by telling themselves they're in a nice place surrounded by peers and they'll be fine. I heard people visiting their elderly parents once a year telling them "mum I'm just busy I don't have time to drive out here every week!" and such. It was very sad to see.

I'm not going to get into the habit of driving for 4 hours to go and see my relative in a nursing home when they couldn't spare the time of day for me when they were well. They chose to retire to the coast and like many parents in the Elderly Parents board, expected their daughter to drop everything and look after them without consulting or considering that I might prioritise my own family. We visit when we can, but not regularly.

It depends on the situation though, doesn't it? Some old people don't have children. They maybe have nieces and nephews who they haven't seen for 40 years and who live hours away. Other people in care homes have dementia which has advanced to such a stage that they don't recognise anyone and get no benefit at all from a visit.

People have these ideas about old dears sitting knitting or doing jigsaws, sad that nobody comes to see them. They don't want to think about the reality of their relative being incontinent, unable to speak and unable to recognise even their closest relatives.

I think it is terribly sad. As others have said there will be a variety of reasons but one that I don’t think is valid is ‘it’s too upsetting to see him/her in that state and situation’. Happened a lot when my mum was in a care home.

I feel like that's a silly blanket statement to make "well my dad was abusive, therefore all lonely elderly people deserve it and brought it on themselves!". @JudgeBread who said that?

There will be reasons why no one wants to visit someone, regardless of where they live. People cultivate and cherish relationships that are important to them.

My family used to have a rota to go and visit my grandmother in the home (I have a lot of aunts and uncles and cousins).

Half the time she didn't have a clue who you were and would refuse to talk to you, the other half of the time she'd still have no idea who you were but she'd complain no-one had visited despite the fact we knew very well my aunt / uncle / cousin had been the day before or even earlier that day.

We still went, rain or shine, but you knew fine well she'd have forgotten you were ever there by the time you'd taken two steps from the chair. It was hard not to just think what's the point and save yourself the three hour round trip twice a week.

I’m not surprised . A lot of families start out small , friends are generally the same age and it may be that these relationships have passed away or are in care or incapable of visiting . It’s no surprise to me .

I used to work in care homes and relatives can be equally spiteful.

One Christmas I remember a relative who had asked to have their elderly mother ready for xmas day at theirs. She was back within 2 hours having been dumped at the front door and didnt tell anyone.

There are multiple reason,s why people dont visit, some because they don't like and never has a relationship with their relative
I worked. In Dementia care for years
It's very hard for some relatives to see their much loved parent not even know who they are
I remember one patient had early onset alzheimers,,he was only in his 50,s he was distressed most of the time looking for his wife ,but even when his wife visited which she did daily ,he didn't recognise her and called her name constantly
People visiting didn't help him and certainly didn't help them.

When I was a teenager I used to volunteer in a day centre for the elderly. I heard some pretty awful sob stories about selfish children who never visited them and didnt care etc.. It made me feel very sad.

I later found out there were often very good reasons why they never visited (including sexual and emotional abuse). I am not saying this is the case for everyone but I do think it's impossible to judge until you have all the facts and not everything is always as it looks from the outside. Just worth bearing that in mind.

OP - I think you are naive about the reality of the end of many people's lives in care homes and what dementia actually looks like. Lack of visitors is not the cruelty, keeping them alive is
Sadly I have to agree with this from @HeadNorth
(And of course others who have expressed similar sentiments)

Some will have reasons why their family don’t want to visit them. Others just may not have anyone to visit, if they didn’t have children themselves all their family may either be too old (and not alive anymore) or the same age and not able to visit, and friends are likely the same age too.

Not just care home residents sadly, plenty of elderly who live alone rarely see anyone, until they die then everyone turns up to fight over the money/ belongings

My dad ended up in a nursing home and I tried to visit once a month or so.

Could I have gone more?- yes, sure. But I didnt because my mum died young and my father did absolutely nothing to cultivate a relationship with either me or his grandchildren. He never rang us, never came to see us (when he was fit and able this is), didnt take any interest whatsoever in his grandchildren who I then had to awkwardly explain to them why their grandad wasnt coming to see them in their school plays which made them sad etc).

My father wasnt abusive, but he was just completely distant and couldn't give a shit. So yeah, I am sorry but you reap what you sow. It's not about karma, it's simply about the consequences of your actions. If you put nothing into your relationships then you cant expect much back out of them I'm afraid.

Well you could say that about my fil as I said he removed himself from his family
When he died we had a knock on the door from the police informing us of his death everybody contacted my dh as he was his only living child and my fil was divorced he left no will so his savings went to his family where else should they have gone?

Having worked in nursing homes for years with advanced dementia residents, I can understand why people don't visit. It is so difficult to talk to someone who is away with the fairies. They don't know who they are let alone anyone else, it's sad and cruel in many cases. One lady I used to look after was convinced she was on a train going to Guildford and would get aggressive with 'other passengers'. Another woman would wander around like a zombie, very thin and ghosr like, she'd stare at you, it was quite unsettling especially on night shift, when she would appear without warning. I swear she used to glide everywhere.
But, back to thread, there are usually good reasons why there are no visitors and you only have an inkling of the story when you are on staff.
Many of these nice little old ladies /gents have been nasty shits to relatives in the past and will still slag them off.