To think it’s really sad how many care home residents don’t get visitors?

[RoomByTheWindow]

I recently read something that said a huge percentage of care home residents never get a single visitor. No family, no friends - not even during holidays or birthdays. That’s stayed with me.

I know every situation is different. Some families are far away, some relationships are strained. But still, the idea that people can live out their final years with so little human contact feels bleak. Even a short visit or a card can mean the world.

I’m not trying to guilt-trip anyone. I just think we don’t talk enough about what it means to age in a society where people are too busy, too distant or too uncomfortable to show up.

AIBU to feel really unsettled by this and to think more of us should be checking in?

Also remember some people literally have no family and many will have all their friend either passed or unwell.

A friend of mine is an only child or two only children. His parents and their distant relations have long since passed. He has no family at all. He had to ask friends to be his next of kin on hospital forms.

I also was reading an article about the area where I live they were saying that some people were being moved away from their local area to 100 miles away for Carehomes. It was really hearbreaking. There was a woman who was moved away from her husband and she said she cried herself to sleep each night.

Although my brother visits my mum in her care home on a weekly basis I'm unable to as I'm 150 miles away. I'd love to be able to pop in on a regular basis but it's just not possible. I speak to her every day and as others have commented she has much more company now than she ever did when she was housebound in her own home.

My mum had dementia but recognised me,my DH, DB until the end. She did not remember my father, and before she went into the care home she didn’t recognise the marital home she’d lived in for over 50 years. She would talk about her brothers, aunts,uncles in the present tense, unaware that they were all dead. She wasn’t violent but did get a bit shouty sometimes, and had lucid moments when she realised what had happened to her and became extremely distressed. I visited her three times a week.

I visited my mother in law infrequently in her home. Nobody was impressed with the frequency, including myself. However, over the period she was in the home, I was widowed myself, had a bereaved school age teenager at home, my father had a stroke and died after some weeks in a county 100 miles away, my mother had a severe stroke and was in the hospital I work at where they frequently called me in to eg get her showered because nobody else could persuade her, and then moved to another home near me, my godmother had a fall and ended up in a hospital 30 miles away in the opposite direction to my dad’s hospital. To be fair I was only working short days in that period not full time, but it was phenomenally difficult. And visiting any of them was in no sense enjoyable, obviously, it’s miserable.

So. There will be reasons why people don’t get visitors, some of which reflect badly on the non-visitors and some don’t . And anyone who listens to gossip by the care staff in one home about what they believe about the family members should be ashamed of themselves.

I've not visited my mum in a year
I feel awful about it
But the situation is exactly as you describe
My mental health can't take seeing her
I'm her POA ..but honestly she was never there for me when I needed her
Currently having counselling to try to cope with my childhood

It's sad, I agree, but every family situation is different.

My DH's Grandma had Alzheimer's and when she first had to go into a nursing home she did get visits reasonably often. In the end though it tailed off as over about a ten year period she got much, much worse. She didn't recognise her visitors when she did get them, would run away and try to escape from them (we experienced that personally) and could start to become aggressive as it distressed her so much.

At the very end, she also tended not to even know anyone was there at all when they did visit. We once took DH's sister to see her when she was visiting us from Australia. Their Grandma recognised neither of them, seemed virtually unaware of the presence of anyone and wasn't responsive.

There can be very many reasons for the lack of visits, or the short duration of some of them.

He wouldn't visit you.

But from your post I can see that you sound like a kind and caring person.

So I assume( hope) even if he hadn't visites you there would be family/ friends / neighbours who would visit you if you were ever in that position.

We only see pil 3 times a year due to distance so we won’t be suddenly upping that to weekly when they go into a care home.

It is sad, but like others have already mentioned, there are usually reasons for this.

I had an elderly relative; no children, had mobility issues, and lived on their own. I helped as much as I possibly could whilst they were living independently. It was always very one sided, and if I was asked to do something, they expected it to be done immediately - even though I lived nearly an hour away. Very often there was no thought to my own commitments, even when I had just given birth and my baby was just two weeks old. The demands were relentless. Everything I suggested, or tried to put in place to help them was viewed with caution, and one day I was accused of being deceitful - which could not have been further from the truth.

This relative decided to never speak to me again. Over the years I had a few calls to say they had been admitted to hospital. I offered to visit and asked staff to ask my relative if they wanted me to go. I never heard a thing back, and I didn't push it for the sanity of me and my family.

So yes, as sad as it is, there are situations where it is of their own making.

If somebody on a care home doesn't have visitors, it will rarely be down to uncaring relatives, no matter what the resident themselves say.

There are some seriously unpleasant older people out there, who may be all sweetness and light to care home assistants but the family know them better.

Me too. I’m slightly older than my DM was when she went into a care home. We lived 300 miles apart, I probably saw her three or four times a year, I worked full time and had teenagers at home. We spoke on the phone every week, before the days of mobiles. Her brother and his wife visited occasionally, and some of her friends, and the minister. It was better than her existing, isolated, at home.

Eventually she went into a nursing home, where the quality of care seemed excellent. I was with her when she died, but that doesn't remove the guilt I’ve felt, even though she’d have understood. DH and I certainly wouldn’t want our DC to feel responsible for us. If we could move into independent older people’s housing, where there is help available if we need it, we would. But we aren’t well enough off to buy in a private retirement village, and we’re excluded from our local authority’s older people’s housing because we are owner occupiers.

There is an awareness that in an aging population, as we are, it would make sense for older people to downsize appropriately. Not only would it free up family homes, it would delay the need for entering care. For those with elderly parents who don’t live close by, the security of knowing your mum or dad are independent but secure, with help available, is priceless.

My grandfather is 96 and in a care home. He doesn’t want anyone to visit him because he’s embarrassed about his physical condition. My mum insists from time to time but generally, he communicates via email and sometimes Teams/Zoom. He was never really a people person and he’s entirely with it mentally so I’m not going to go against his wishes.

For a long time I would have to psych myself up for visiting my DM (dementia) in her care home, since it was an endless litany of ‘Have you come to take me home?’ - no idea that she could no longer even make herself a cup of tea, and could never go home. Then there’d be angry accusations that siblings and I had only put her there because we were after her money.

It was no earthly use saying, ‘Have you any idea what this place costs? If we were just after your money, we’d have left you at home!’ (Probably to set the house on fire and be unable to get out because she’d locked everything and hidden all the keys…)

Sometimes I just couldn’t face visiting and chickened out.
It was only once she’d ceased to recognise me - I was just ‘a nice lady’ ho made her cups of tea and brought her chocolate - that visits were stress-free.

If you don’t know know the circs, please don’t presume to judge anyone for not visiting.

Very very true.

Things are rarely as simple as they look OP and that poor old person with no visitors might have been an abusive parent whose child is still suffering the consequences of years of abuse.

We had a similar thread on here the other day, where the OP was telling people (yes, actually TELLING people) to make contact with people they've lost contact with many years ago (or who lost contact with them!) And they got really snarky, calling people miserable and cold hearted, when people told them it was not their place to tell people what to do, and many people drift away/lost contact with people for a good reason. (And the vast majority of posters said that they will NOT be contacting ANYone from the past who they no longer see/speak to.)

This thread feels exactly the same. Someone posting a thread telling people what to do. Grown ups/adults don't need or want to be told what to do by ANYone. People can make up their own minds, and don't appreciate being told what to do by randoms on the internet!

There is almost always a good reason why someone's older relative in a care home isn't getting any visitors @RoomByTheWindow and it's not your place to tell people go get off their backside and go and visit that elderly relative that you haven't seen for ages! You don't know why people are not visiting/not visiting often.

There is very likely the odd exception, but most people are not getting little or no visitors, because they are/have always been lovely, warm, friendly, kind, affable people!

.

Quite. FIL was case in point. You can't be arsehole most of your life and then expect regular visitors when you suddenly decide you want or deserve them.

That just kind of confirms what others are saying though. If they were a loved family member they would get visitors. I find it hard to believe all these people are just 'busy' rather then the elderly person was neglectful/mean/absent etc during their children's lives and now experiencing the disinterest they showed to their kids.

We no longer live in a society where we are obligated to care for uncaring family members.

This is a very sad and difficult situation for your friend. My situation is not dissimilar. I think there will be more people like us in the future, as family sizes decrease, and more and more people have only one child.

That's awful about the lady being moved so far from her husband. That is one of my fears too - that I'll be separated from my partner.

This wasnt a post about how nasty and horrible old people are and reap what they sow etc.

This was a post about how its sad that some people have no visitors, through no fault of their own.

Absolutely. I recently went to the funeral of a friend's grandmother - I went partially because I knew there would be very few people. She was 96, and she outlived one of her own children (and the other one is severely disabled) and outlived all her own siblings. When she was younger she was a really outgoing woman with a lot of friends and she was very involved in her church. By the time she died all her friends were dead or very frail themselves, and she had been pretty much housebound for over a decade. She and the church had tried to keep up the relationship but it had faded away - the vicar came to the funeral, but I doubt anyone else in the congregation knew who she was. I remember thinking that if she'd died a decade or 15 years earlier that church would have been absolutely full for her funeral, but as it was it was a handful of people, and in the last five years of her life she had only a few people she ever saw - and she was very lucky to have my friend, who saw her very frequently and organised all her care. You don't have to be antisocial or from an unusually small family to end up with a very, very small group of people who would visit you in a care home.

I won’t be seeing my parents this Christmas, I work two jobs, 7 days a week, I am off Christmas Day but working Christmas Eve and Boxing Day.

They live a six hour round trip and never visit me, my ‘mother’ rarely visited when down the road however my dad did.

I only just break even on bills so have no choice, let them know and have had no response. They’ll have no visitors and will moan but I’m the only one of three ‘children’ still in any contact due to their actions, only again mainly my ‘mother’

I think if people have a lot of support around them, they’re a lot less likely to live in a care home. Dh’s grandad lived to 96 at home. He had 5 daughters, 2 of whom lived in the houses to either side of him on the family farm. It meant he had family around to look after him until the end. He died peacefully at home with someone there 24/7.

My mum and I are estranged. I haven’t seen her in 6 years. I don’t even know where she lives anymore. She lives overseas and has moved twice without telling me her address, so I only know a vague part of the country she’s in. I’m an only child and live on the other side of the world anyway. She does have stepchildren nearby, but they’re NC as well. Hopefully she has money put aside to pay for care because none of us will be providing it. I imagine she will not have any visitors, but if you alienate yourself from your family and friends, well, that’s what happens.

Even if the elderly person was a much loved relative, sometimes it's just practical issues. My relative was in a home 3 hours from where I live. It meant a day trip to visit wasn't possible, nor a weekday visit. With three young DC at home, it's next to impossible to go to see them - and definitely not as a regular visit.

My parents are in a different country - so again I won't be able to visit them when the time comes either.

This will be me in a few decades. I have always struggled with forming connections and am estranged from my family because they are always fighting. I will be good with no one visiting me or even remembering that I exist.

Yes, I chose this from a selection of even worse options, but sometimes peace is all you can hope for.

I have no children, so I expect I will be alone. I’m just looking after my health as best I can and hoping the end will be quick tbh.
I am a good auntie and godmother, but I don’t have much hope that the younger generation will look after me tbh, the majority of their lives seem to be spent online and they don’t seem to enjoy face to face interaction that much.
My grim dystopian vision of the future is some sort of virtual reality set up for those requiring care, until they elect to die.