To think it’s really sad how many care home residents don’t get visitors?

[RoomByTheWindow]

I recently read something that said a huge percentage of care home residents never get a single visitor. No family, no friends - not even during holidays or birthdays. That’s stayed with me.

I know every situation is different. Some families are far away, some relationships are strained. But still, the idea that people can live out their final years with so little human contact feels bleak. Even a short visit or a card can mean the world.

I’m not trying to guilt-trip anyone. I just think we don’t talk enough about what it means to age in a society where people are too busy, too distant or too uncomfortable to show up.

AIBU to feel really unsettled by this and to think more of us should be checking in?

My parents will get few or seldom visitors. It's not because we're not willing, it's not because they aren't nice. It's because they've chosen to live overseas and age there. I suggested they move closer so I can help them remain at home for as long as possible. They don't want to (and, to be fair, I think it's reasonable they don't want to move from their community and life there). So they've chosen to be where there is no-one rather than go somewhere where there are people who would visit frequently. That's on them.

My mum was in hospital recently and in a home for a few weeks.

I tried to visit weekly but the reality is I’m a single parent of teens working full time in a demanding jib (3.5 hour round trip commute 3 days a week, 2 days wfh but finishing late )and the hospital / home was a 4 hour round trip.

It was taking a toll on me and I had to scale back. I felt I should be there but I couldn’t do it.

Don't feel judged, love.

It is sad yes. You could always volunteer to do visiting. There are organisations that do that sort of thing.

No it isnt. People arent retreating into their own world for psychological reasons or to feel "safe".

It's because dementia prions destroy your short term memory first but tends to leave long term memory more intact. Therefore, many dementia patients will live as if they were a child or much younger and ask for their parents, completely forgetting the fact they died years ago. They ask for their parents because they cannot remember the fact they are now married with a husband and grown up kids.

They arent doing this to feel "safe" - they are doing it because their brains are damaged by plaques. If you look at brain scans of dementia patients you can visibly see their brains shrinking as the disease progresses- they are losing brain matter. This causes all kinds of damage to the frontal lobes too which affects behaviour and personality. Therefore, you can have a usually mild mannered person who suddenly starts cursing at people or becoming violent because the area of the brain that controls their personality is damaged.

Remember people are in a care home for a reason- they can't cope at home and have no support, or they have a condition which makes relationships difficult. All this emphases that having children so you won't be alone when you are old is not a good reason to have children.

It’s terribly sad although all circumstances are different. My great aunt is in a care home, I go 3-4 times a week because she was amazing to me growing up and she means the world to me. My dad also goes 3 times per week. It’s not always easy, she’s in bed a lot of the time now and has days where she is incredibly demanding/difficult to communicate with but no way would I not be there for her. It’s hard some weeks as I have a full time job and two young kids but this stuff matters. This year, for the first time, she is too unwell to come out on Christmas Day so I am going there for 2 hours to be with her when she has her Christmas lunch. I’ve changed our Christmas lunch to a buffet to make it easier to have the time away from the kitchen. She would have done it for me so I am absolutely doing it for her. I wonder if people who never visit have regrets or if they just pretend their absence wasn’t noticed?

I used to work nights shifts as a care assistant in a nursing home for 37 advanced dementia patients (so not during usual visiting hours). Staff who did do days as well were sadly disappointed with some patients’ family members - the only son of a man who had been a brilliant surgeon had apparently declared “My father is not that dribbling idiot wearing a nappy, I’m not coming again, tell my solicitor when that creature’s dead”.

Dementia is indeed a living bereavement, and I imagine many more relatives think that way than actually say it.

I can see this happening to my dad, as he's treated us with indifference at best, and outright contempt (me).

He only wants us around if he needs something doing, otherwise we're ignored completely. He's a selfish old man, thinks he's never wrong about anything, we've tried to help him, but he's verbally abusive, falling out with wider family members who've tried to help him as well. He's full of praise for his friends, yet hasn't got a good word for his adult daughters, and we've had enough of him.

I've taken a step back from him to protect my own health. I'd ring an ambulance for him ( he's nearly 93 and lives alone) but that's about it. I prioritised him for years after mum died, phoning him every day, taking meals round, doing washing & ironing, he came for meals here with me & DH, on days out with us, but the more I did, the worse he treated me. He's got worse as he's got older, and now I've just turned 60 and I'm putting myself ( and DH) first for a change.

So if some of these elderly people are anything like my dad, then they've brought it on themselves. Nasty people don't become nice as they get older, they usually get worse.

the only son of a man who had been a brilliant surgeon had apparently declared “My father is not that dribbling idiot wearing a nappy, I’m not coming again, tell my solicitor when that creature’s dead”.

If this is true, then that is utterly horrible. But, for every son or daughter that can be horrible, you can find just as many parents who have been horrible to their kids which is why they might end up alone.

I also wonder how it is that this surgeon who was so brilliant and wonderful managed to bring up a son that was so uncaring and callous. Makes you wonder what kind of childhood this son had. It's really quite rare for loving, caring parents to end up with kids who are burgeoning psychopaths.

I agree and I hope the son never had children of his own. Imagine how little he would have cared for them during the baby and toddler stages.

I would absolutely love to visit my friend who's a father figure to me, but his son hasn't given me the address. Also, when I texted him happy birthday this year, he said "thank you [his gf's name]". I think visiting would be more for me than for him.

My mum has been in care home for 15 months. I visit her three times a week, I'll be heading in later this afternoon.
It's not a burden, it's not a chore, it's borne out of love and respect for a much loved mother.
I do agree that there are many residents who never get visitors, I've no idea what's gone on in their lives, but it is sad.
I love going in to see my mum.

I haven't read the thread but should either of my siblings end up in a care home this will be the position that they end up in. Neither of them have children, or are close to friends who have children and neither of them have made absolutely any effort with my children. Haven't met them, don't send cards and don't bother about them.

So if they find themselves older and in need of support, then it won't be coming from myself or children who are their nephews. I won't forget the lack of support, care or compassion they have shown me and will let my children know exactly the type of people they are. If they find themselves lonely and without visitors, it will be entirely of their own making.

Distance in my case. 300+ miles, a full time job, two teenagers at the time. It's not the easiest thing to live with when you do care about them, but I know my mum understood.

When my uncle and aunt, in their 90s, went into care, their only surviving DC lived in the US. Their DGC was in Oz. They also had few visitors.

Someone said something to me recently that struck a chord as I was dealing with my feelings for a parent who was developing dementia but had never actually been a nice person beforehand.

"Just because someone has got old doesn't mean they aren't still a knob"

For some elderly people it is very sad they don't have visitors but a proportion of those will probably have bought that on themselves by their previous actions.

I guess it’s each family situation but we would regularly visit my grandmother even though she had dementia and didn’t really ‘know’ us but I think there was a sense of us belonging to her.

It is very sad, I've worked in a care home and seen this. It is easy when they cant remember as they are happy in their own world.

I’m too far away to go very often to visit my elderly father in his care home ( which is an absolutely beautiful place with amazing staff )
It is a 4 hour round trip in the car ( which I don’t always have the use of ) if I travel by train it’s longer and involves a long journey to get to the train station then 2 trains !
I am older myself , in my 60s and absolutely exhausted with other responsibilities too and it was myself who organised a lot of care for him and food deliveries, cleaner etc until we absolutely needed to move him into a care facility.
I also organised the sale and clearance of his home at a time I was extra busy with things I won’t go into on here .
I also have a disabled adult son who can’t be left for too long by himself and a dog who again cannot be left for too long either .
So it’s limited to when I can make arrangements for both son and dog .
He does get other visits from relatives who live locally though

I live in Scotland so appreciate things are different but up here yes local authorities have to make the decision about whether you move into a care home or not given they fund the free personal care charge part of the funding so people need to meet the eligibility criteria.

Yes you can move in as a private resident but care homes will have their own criteria and I very much doubt you can decide you want to move in so you don't want to be at home on your own if you're deemed capable to do so.

I agree. The people who "admire" intergenerational living are the ones who have absolutely no idea of the reality of it. I work in elder social work and have come across a few families from far east Asia where it's multiple generations living under the same roof. Without fail, it's always been an absolute shit show.

"Everyone" pitching in, means one elderly woman doing everything and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I've seen situations with toddlers and adults with advance dementia living under the same roof. It's never one I'd want for my children and it's never the utopia or happy experience people think it is.

Yes, I wouldn't anticipate (and wouldn't want) to move to a care home if not required. It would be very selfish of me for one thing (taking a place of someone who might need it more).

I'm actually planning to move to a integrated retirement community which has independent living and care on the same site. They assess your needs and move you up the levels of care if and when required. They don't accept any LA funded residents, as far as I know.

If I'm in a care home with dementia and no idea who I am let alone who anyone else is, the last thing I'd want is my kids thinking they've got to visit me. What would be the point of them coming to see me? I'd get no benefit from it, hate the idea of them seeing me in such a state and it would just upset them.

You'd probably appreciate the advocacy though - someone to make sure you were being treated well. But yes, it would likely be very upsetting for them to see you in that state.

I work regionally for a national charity and you would be stunned to know that this situation is not uncommon and, what is even more upsetting (IMHO) is that so many older folk now live on their own and have no family or close friends, and very often do not have contact with another human from one week to the next. It is a scandalous situation but, sadly, all too common. We do what we can to alleviate loneliness through various activities and befriending programmes, but even then, there are those who still slip through the net. We need more compassion in our society and more time in our lives to deliver that compassion in whatever forms we can all engage with.