To think it’s really sad how many care home residents don’t get visitors?

[RoomByTheWindow]

I recently read something that said a huge percentage of care home residents never get a single visitor. No family, no friends - not even during holidays or birthdays. That’s stayed with me.

I know every situation is different. Some families are far away, some relationships are strained. But still, the idea that people can live out their final years with so little human contact feels bleak. Even a short visit or a card can mean the world.

I’m not trying to guilt-trip anyone. I just think we don’t talk enough about what it means to age in a society where people are too busy, too distant or too uncomfortable to show up.

AIBU to feel really unsettled by this and to think more of us should be checking in?

OP - I think you are naive about the reality of the end of many people's lives in care homes and what dementia actually looks like. Lack of visitors is not the cruelty, keeping them alive is

AGREE. Unless you have experienced the end stage of dementia I think you have no clue what it's actually like.

I rarely visited my dad towards the end because he didnt recognise me by that point and would become angry and aggressive when I told him who I was because he didnt believe me. It used to distress him and he would lash out and call me names. Even when I didnt tell him who I was he'd get challenging and upset.

What would be the point of putting either of us through that on a more regular basis?

Their friends and family might be elderly themselves though.

My aunt is in her 80s, she’s still in good health and me and my cousins check in with her often even though she doesn’t live near either of us. She had her social life in her town but it’s getting to the point where a lot of her friends are elderly or have died now.

As the childless one I take more responsibility for her but when I’m old there will be no one for me!

This will probably be me tbh. No partner or DC, I have a brother who has 2 kids but I don’t have much relationship with them as they live 6 hours away. I wouldn’t expect them to be visiting me in a care home.

Such is life, I can’t say I give it much headspace.

No, people create the lives that they have in most cases.

Some people are nasty though so its kinda their own doing. But yes op its sad. They not all sweet old ladies as I learnt from experience.

I also agree

Me and DH have no children, we are from small enough families, we do have nieces and nephews we are close to them but non of them live near us, they wont be near us when we are older and if we go into care, there won't be anyone for regular visits, sad but that's the way it is.

It’s disgraceful, OP.
When I visited my parents, which I did almost daily for four years, the carers would tell me that some relatives wouldn’t visit because they found it “too distressing”.

Well, diddums.

it is fucking distressing, that’s why you do it, because your relative has to be there whether they like it or not. Meanwhile I couldn’t spend time alone with my DM or DF because I was constantly approached by other residents desperate for company.

Shameful.

Same for me, it’s just how it is.

It’s people living alone that don’t get visitors you should feel sorry for. People in care homes are surrounded by people 24 hours a day.

Of course there are many complex reasons why someone might have no visitors. But when my mum was in a care home, the lady in the room next to her had very few visits from her son or daughter. I knew her son quite well (I worked with him for years and years) and knew the daughter in passing and from her brother talking about her over the years.

Their mother was, by the son's account, a very good mother who provided for them emotionally and financially. She also left a substantial estate divided equally between them. I heard her crying in her room almost every day and my mother said it was because she was lonely.

I don't know the intimate details of their lives of course but I do think their poor old mum deserved better. Some people are, unfortunately, selfish assholes. So that's in the mix here too with all the nasty, abusive, alcoholic parents who don't deserve a visit.

For my part, my relationship with my mum was far from brilliant but it gives me peace that myself and my siblings were able to make sure she had a visitor every single day in the care home, whether she deserved it or not. I'm not judging anyone who can't do the same for whatever reason.

Why is it shameful ?
Not being recognised by your mum or dad must be heartbreaking
Often people with advanced dementia are in their own world,
Having visitors doesn't benefit them in any way
And it certainly does benefit their loved one seeing them in that state
So why should someone put themselves through it ?
I lost my mum earlier this year and it was very hard seeing so frail but she didn't have dementia and knew who I was hard I csnt even begin to understand how someone must feel when their own parent doesn't recognise them.

It doesnt surprise me at all. Read the threads on here with people posting who choose to remaim childfree, they know this means they'll likely have little/no support in their final years other than what they pay for.

I think. People naively imagine nieces and nephews will come and visit, the reality is with most people working full time, with children to care for, busy lives, and their own parents to care for, theres only so much capacity they have. If their aunt is in a care home 80 miles away then no they aren't likely to go and visit.
Many older folks in a care home have dementia and dont have the capacity any more to read a letter or card, and don't remember who more distant relatives are.

My MIL is so far gone with Alzheimer's and Vascular Dementia there is actually no point visiting.

DH pops in once a fortnight or so to check on her and drop off shower gel/shampoo/new slippers/new clothes etc but she has no idea who he is and responds to all attempts at conversation with "oh", she has no other words left.

There is no point in me taking time off work to visit and there is no point sacrificing my weekends when she doesn't even know someone is sitting in front of her trying to chat. I did all the caring and running round after her in the earlier days though.

Also, remember nasty people become nasty elderly people. Criminals, paedophiles, narcissists etc probably don't get visitors.

I know it depends on circumstances, but some people just are that selfish and won't visit. My grandmother was in a home with dementia for years. My parents would visit a few times a week and got to know some of the other residents. One was blind and the nicest person around. Her family would come up each Christmas only. They'd sit there plying her with drink and chocolate until she felt sick and they'd leave. The only other time they showed up was to get her to sign bank documents. Another couple of women had no visitors at all.
After my grandmother died, my parents still kept up with going to see the other women, until they also passed away over time. At the funeral of the blind woman, her children were crying and wailing, and making a complete spectacle. Some of them came over to my mam and thanked her for looking after their mother - they assumed she worked there. She told them that she'd just been a visitor...suddenly the crying stopped and they just walked off. Horrible people.

Agree

They are some who are completely with it. But unfortunately don't get visitors.

I agree some have caused it themselves but there are also some with families who just can't be bothered.

I think this thread is just trying to paint the residents as people who deserve it or are too gone away mentally that it would just upset them.

But there are also a huge number who are lonely and who don't get visitors through no fault of their own.

Plenty of the care home residents who rarely have visitors have children who just don’t visit them.

This will be me.
No children and no other relatives. Ah well.... I've a 1 way to Dignitas already paid for.

So people should have children so they’re not lonely in their old age?

I’m currently sat it my brother’s care home - he’s asleep as usual. He has advanced dementia and is completely unaware of anything. I visit every few weeks - only because I’d feel guilty if I didn’t. We were not close at all and he’d never visit me if the roles were reversed.

There's a lot of dementia in and around my family. Consequently I have spent a lot of time visiting care homes and hospitals.

One family friend used to get so upset, crying because her parents didn't visit her. She didn't remember that she was in her 80s and her parents had died decades ago. She didn't remember all the visits that she got from friends.

Visiting can be important but doesn't always relieve distress.

This. If either of my parents end up in a care home, I will not be visiting.

My mum saw me as an enemy and violently lashed out and physically attacked me in fear. She would be visibly terrified. So yeah, pretty distressing 🙄🙄🙄

I visited an elderly friend, R, a few times in her residential home. A lady was hiding behind the door of R's room listening to us and R said she did it every time R had a visitor. The carers told R it was because the lady had never had a visitor and they thought she wondered why someone would have a person sitting in their room with them. Either that or she wanted to join in. It was very sad.

My mum had dementia and although she didn’t remember my dad ( they were married for 56 years when he died) she always knew who I was and my son. However the person she asked about most was her older sister who although 6 years older was in very good health. On her birthday, I would open her cards and read them to her and she would always say sadly “ oh no card from my big sister?” I had been very close to my aunt but her behaviour to my mum killed those feelings. She didn’t bother to visit my mum in the last 8 years of her life. My uncle ( dads brother) on the other hand and who lived in Australia and was 80 himself but he would send cards letters to mum , phone her fortnightly until the dementia made that impossible and he flew over twice.
I would ask and plead with my aunt to send my mum a birthday card. Her actual words were “well she’s got dementia so what does it matter?” It mattered to my mum. Therefore it mattered. My and died 4 years after my mother and I didn’t shed a tear. My uncle in Australia though heartbroken when he died.