To think it’s really sad how many care home residents don’t get visitors?

[RoomByTheWindow]

I recently read something that said a huge percentage of care home residents never get a single visitor. No family, no friends - not even during holidays or birthdays. That’s stayed with me.

I know every situation is different. Some families are far away, some relationships are strained. But still, the idea that people can live out their final years with so little human contact feels bleak. Even a short visit or a card can mean the world.

I’m not trying to guilt-trip anyone. I just think we don’t talk enough about what it means to age in a society where people are too busy, too distant or too uncomfortable to show up.

AIBU to feel really unsettled by this and to think more of us should be checking in?

It is sad. My gran had a visitor every day when she was in a care home (difficult decision to put her there) as did my grandad (who put himself in a home). They were lucky, we all live in a small village.

However, just because someone has grown old. Doesn’t mean they are / were a nice person.

They could have been the victim of horrible family. They could have had toxic friends.

Many carers and nurses have said (I read this in a book by a nurse years ago) that a lot of American men, with multiple children by multiple women are alone in their final years because they had burned all their bridges. I'm sure this isn't the case for all, and many people have simply been forgotten, but there will be a fair few who have indeed...burnt their bridges.

I went to go see my grandfather and great grandmother and great aunts in homes as a small child and to be honest it was horrible. Really upsetting and bleak.

Yes! I couldn't go and see my grandma in her home as in her mind...I hadn't been born yet. In her mind my older sibling was a baby.

Another thought- when my nan was in a home on the other side of the country my dad would go up for weeks at a time to visit, but had to take unpaid leave and with young kids and a job and a mortgage he couldn't do that for long. The reality can be so very different from the idea of regularly visiting someone

My Father has dementia. I visit him once a week for an hour or two. It's really difficult because you have a conversation with him and he makes appropriate noises but then when it's his turn to talk what he says is nonsense. So then you have to make a few "yes yes" type noises and change the subject or go off at a tangent. So you are basically having a conversation with yourself. Sometimes he'll lose his temper in the middle of it and it's not clear what will set him off. so there's a bit of peril there too

You can engage him in looking at old postcards or photos for 5 minutes but that doesn't last long I also sit there and listen to music with him for 30-40 minutes. We have a cup of tea. He doesn't want to go out and I have to beg him to go to the garden in summer.

I loved him so much. But I am not sure this is really him any more. It's a a chore and I don't enjoy it at all. I do it out of a sense of duty but could understand if you have to travel an hour for that you might decide to something else with your time. (There's not much sense that he enjoys the visits either)

It's a rotten disease that hollows people out into shells of their former selves.

Having worked in the industry for a decade there are many reasons why this happens.
It's not so clear cut.
Sometimes the children are not interested purely because that's how they are. This could be because they had a rough up bringing. Or just because the kids are unkind.
Whatever that reason. We try to make them feel cared for.
Some homes are nice some not.
Life isn't always as we plan.
Sad but true

My dad was in a care home with dementia for four years. I and my sister visited 3/4 week each a week on the other hand my step mother showed her true colour never bothered to go…..

It’s years now since I worked in a nursing home but it always astounded me that so many residents never saw anyone for months and yet, when they died, there’d always be a crowd at their funerals.
it would have been so much better if people had turned up when they were alive; but people don’t know what to say really, do they?

Where's your link to this.
I.know a lady that dosent because her daughter lives in S Acrica so can't get over much.
Alot of people do get family visits.

Perhaps hes not bothered.

No they dont. I've been a visitor to care homes and every week there are activities planned.
They get a sheet of paper stating what's on every day. They also have entertainers go in.
They are not allowed to.just stick people in front of the TV anymore.

When I visit lots of people are in the lounge talking together. Even if you dont have visitors you make friends, you have care assistants around you all the time. You are far from lonely. Sometimes when I go if I'm in the lounge I will talk to other residents as well. This post is bleak.

Its not lonely even if you dont have visitors. Always someone to talk too.

It depends on the care home. I had to place Mum in respite from time to time and our social worker admitted that homes didn't always provide what they were supposed to.

My mum is one. She was emotionally absent during my childhood, prioritising her career. Told me at the age of ten I was the reason her marrage ended, that she never wanted children and only kept me due to the ostracising she’d face from family if she’d had an abortion. Never came to any shows, events etc. growing up. My granddad took me to get my gcse results. He helped me move house etc. Never visited me or helped beyond clothes, food and a roof over my head. I’m sure she only did that because she didn’t want to look bad to others.

When I came to visit in the nursing home asked me why am I here?, never asked a single question about my life or her grandchildren’s . Criticised anything I found joy in or anything I deemed a personal achievement and constantly put me down. Sat in silence ignoring me and watching the television the whole time I visited. But would tell others what an awful daughter I was because I stopped visiting because of this behaviour and a million past hurts. When confronted, ignored me. And left my brother her house in her will.

Count yourself lucky you’ve managed to get so far in life without encountering someone like this.

I’m sure there are some lovely lonely people in care homes who are so for no reason other than everyone they know is dead, ungrateful relatives etc. But there will be many people like my mother. Just because someone is old doesn’t make them a nice person.

My gran had loads of visitors. Her grandkids and DiL would visit. Her actual sons... barely. I know my dad didn't visit once (it was his DM) - "I don't want to see her like that".

My best friend has just had to have her own mum admitted to a care home. She has moved house to be closer and visit lots. Her brothers have done fuck all. It is always left to the daughters. Always.

That almost makes care / nursing homes sound like jolly university halls. My dad (97, physically frail and forgetful) is in a care home. The staff are wonderful, but all the residents are there because they are unwell, frail and / or forgetful and old. It would be depressing for us and it's depressing for him. Dad wants to socialise with people of all ages - like the rest of us do. Occasionally, some children from a local school go in to visit and that is a real highlight for the residents. When our daughter took her baby in, they were given a huge welcome. Everyone were absolutely delighted to see a cute baby as they see so few.

My DM is in a nursing home with advanced dementia. Initially I found it incredibly hard to visit, she lived with my teen DDs and I for three years and it took me a long time to decompress from the stress and anxiety surrounding her care. I’m fortunate that her nursing home is a five minute walk from my house and we live on an island so I know all the staff … but it’s taken time to be okay with it. I now visit when she’s already in bed and resting. I hold her hand and tell her about my day and the children. Say some prayers with her like she did with me when I was little and wait until she drifts off to sleep. I can’t bear to see her staring blankly in the day room, or being spoon fed … but I’m really grateful that I’ve found a way to make it work for me.

I visited my exMIL in her care home because she was a lovely person. She also had an incredibly hard time towards the end.

Out of duty DSis and me visited our mother. She was not a good person and we could not bring ourselves to be with her on her deathbed, she had not earned that privilege. Her grandchildren stayed away for their own reasons.

My MiL on the hand is also a lovely person, if she ever goes into a care home, we will be there.

Yes it’s sad people don’t get visitors but you don’t know the backstory.

Yes. Totally agree.

When my mother was in a Residential and then a Nursing Home..My sister and me used to to visit six out of seven days a week for 12 years

However some close relatives of other residents never visited them at all. So the staff told us.

But l bet these relatives will be waiting for when the relatives wills are read.

Very Sad

It is sad, the nurses at my grandpas care home always commented on how lucky he was to have so many visitors. The same was said when my Dad was in hospital, we visited regularly but he also had other family members and even some of his work colleagues went to see him. I used to visit an elderly gentleman who lived nearby in my teens, he liked to hear about my studies and play me his old records. His nurses expressed how happy it made him to have young people around so I took friends sometimes and some of the boys from the local boys school went to see him too. I loved his stories about his time as the village doctor. Elderly people are great, they have so many stories and some are totally alone, most just want some company and carers and nurses don't have time to sit and chat.

I worked in care homes for 40 years and some people don't get any visitors at all sadly

The thing is that the only way to make sure someone in a care home is safe is by visiting them. Even more so if they have dementia

But that is why they retreat. They feel frightened, panicky even. That is precisely why they retreat. They go, as PP says, into their own world to be safe from the confusion and distress.

Please stop hedge betting and trying to sound knowledgeable. We get it. You didn't say "all", you said "often". Your meaning was the same but with plausible denial stitched in. OK.

my DM could be delightful to some people but be a total arse to myself and some staff members.

I hate to say this but sometimes people reap what they sow.

I knew Mum was in the best place possible regardless.