To think it’s really sad how many care home residents don’t get visitors?

[RoomByTheWindow]

I recently read something that said a huge percentage of care home residents never get a single visitor. No family, no friends - not even during holidays or birthdays. That’s stayed with me.

I know every situation is different. Some families are far away, some relationships are strained. But still, the idea that people can live out their final years with so little human contact feels bleak. Even a short visit or a card can mean the world.

I’m not trying to guilt-trip anyone. I just think we don’t talk enough about what it means to age in a society where people are too busy, too distant or too uncomfortable to show up.

AIBU to feel really unsettled by this and to think more of us should be checking in?

I worked in care and nursing homes for many years and really enjoyed it, the odd time I thought it was sad for someone to have no visitors but at least everyone is seen and heard, their day is structured to to ensure individuals needs are met , a balanced diet, social activities, many elderly people have challenging behaviour, it's not the quiet peaceful place you imagine with lovely old dears sipping tea. The people I do feel sad for are the thousands who live at home alone, never see anyone except a carer once or maybe twice a day who let themselves in using a key safe,

After my aunt died in her care home, we were asked to leave all her clothes - even including faded old cotton nighties - since they had some residents with very little money and no relatives to buy them anything. 🙁

But the OP doesn't KNOW why all these older people in care homes are not getting any visitors. Very few people will know exactly why, except the person in the care home themselves, and the relatives in question.

It is sad I agree. Though there is a world of difference between those who have no nearby relatives or whose family are just avoiding them, and anyone in a home who has been unpleasant or worse to family throughout their life.

The one person I knew who had no-one visit him had been a bully boss by all accounts and a passive aggressive neighbour.

My friend had an unhappy childhood because his dad was an angry, bitter man who was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. In his 70's, he developed Alzheimer's Disease and later moved into residential care. My friend was surprised to observe that his dad "became nicer", mellowing into a person who was more placid and content. However we don't know if this would have lasted, as he died from pneumonia a few months later.

One of my grandmother's went through an angry, paranoid phase when she was still living at home and struggling to cope. Once she had settled into residential care, she became calmer and happier and made at least one new friend.

My other grandmother could be violent at times, and as she spent more than eight years in residential care, the staff had to cope with various different versions of her. In one miserable phase, she stayed in bed for about six months and would hit her carers if they tried to get her up. We thought she wouldn't live much longer, but amazingly she came out of this state and spent the last two or three years of her life hanging out in the living room and being fairly sociable. I have to credit the staff at her care home for their extraordinary patience.

Dementia is heart-breaking, but thankfully it isn't always a disease of unrelenting misery in which each day is unhappier than the previous one.

Thanks for this @OneKhakiFish I know a few people who work in care homes, and they say the same. Some very challenging and unpleasant behaviour from some. Not all obviously...

My darling grandad ended up in a home

I (aged 14) would go and see him 3/4 times a week until he died (even when j was just 'the girl in blue' he'd forgotten who I was)

My other grandparents didnt go into a home (one died in hospital and the other in bed)

I only went to see the one in hospital because I was guilt tripped into it-i certainly didnt go by my own choice and I still regret going (I was forced to go cos 'family')

The difference is,my granddad was there when I was a child-he brought me up

We had a strong,loving and respectful relationship but the other grandparents did fuck all,made it clear which cousins where the favourites (not myself or my brothers)they would walk into my parents house and start shouting at us for anything we'd done wrong,even if we didnt have a clue what that was (never praised us) and ill never forget the day she walked in with a massive bag of massive Easter eggs-and made it clear we could look at them but not touch them as they where for our cousins-we got nothing

You can imagine the fury from them when I fell pregnant at 19

I was the biggest slag ever for 'getting yourself pregnant'

They then had the nerve to blame me for not going round to their house with my baby at least twice a week!(I dont drive but they did-they didnt lift a finger to come see me)

Why would I? (If grandad had still been alive at that point,I would have taken her to see him at least 4 times a week)

they didnt want to know me as a child,never spent time with me or even said a nice word to me-we'd see them for 5 minutes every few months and they never said or did anything nice

As soon as myself and my siblings where old enough to put our foot down and said we didnt want to know them,we all did-they brought that one on by themselves

My parents are the same-they made me the scapegoat,treated me like shit and act shocked I went nc (and the smear campaign is shocking)

They are getting to the age where they'll start needing care in the next few years and I won't be doing a thing for them

Again,they've reaped what they've sown

My mil on the other hand,welcomed me into her home,heart and family and there is nothing I wouldn't do for her

Some people just dont deserve anything due to their own actions and others deserve the world

I do agree that it can sometimes be the distance they create with their own kids once they turn adults. Fil has always kept us at arms lenght since our kids came along. I suspect his wife (dh step mum) has felt some insecurities that fil might love his flesh a bit too much or it reminds her of his ex. I'm not sure. But after ten years of not seeing his grandchildren, honestly why would they try to prize their way into his life if he went into a home? They are strangers. When you grow up not knowing your grandparents that chance has gone. Any visits would be guilt not love

My mother died a quick death fortunately (for me and my siblings) but if she had been in a care home she would have had very few visitors because she was an abusive cunt.

She was emotionally abusing me while in hospital dying. I would have left her to rot in loneliness of her own making.

It is v sad. However, you answered your own question.

My parents retired to a location 4 hours away from me, sis and bro. We all have ties to the areas we live (jobs, kids at school, partners and inlaws)

When they did so 10 years ago they were in good health. At the time we all pointed out the distance and journey (mum's own parents were 6 hours from her and her siblings too )
Roll on to now, dad has dementia he is still at home- mum was hospitalised last year for a week . It was not easy for us to juggle our commitments between us .
We continue to offer respite to mum when we can but it is not as often as she needs.

As for the care home, it may happen but mum hopes she would use live in care rather than that !

This^

The thread is about people who don’t like their relatives. There are plenty that do, but for a myriad of reasons simply don’t see their loved ones enough, work, responsibilities, children and their activities, pets, daily life. Time just goes so fast.
I only saw my aunt twice a week for an hour, barely any time at all. She had dementia but still knew who I was, it was just hard to get there any more than that.

I agree it's very sad.When my mother was alive,we had a very strained relationship.I had hoped in her later years,that if I made a effort to visit etc,the relationship would improve,no she was unhappy & a victim.I still was treated badly by her.

When she went into hospital with a chest infection,she new I was going to visit,with my husband & daughter,the journey time was almost 4 hours.When we arrived she was asleep & snoring! I decided that we should not wake her? I wrote a note & left it on the cabinet.

She never acknowledge the note,as if it did not happen.I was so upset,that I decided she would never seen me again! She died 2020.I did not attend her funeral.It was traumatic & very sad.

People have reasons why they do not visit.Please try not to be too judgemental, often a valid reason why there is estrangement!

In a perfect world we’d all have people around us in old age (if that’s what we wanted) however as we all know, that’s not real life, for a plethora of reasons.

People in their later stages of life living in care homes will have friends who have passed away - so someone has to go first. So I’m not surprised many don’t have friends visiting at that age.

Some people will have no visitors because of logistics, perhaps their children live abroad. Perhaps they don’t have any children or perhaps they don’t get on with their children. I know an elderly person who has no visitors because no one likes him, including his kids. He was selfish, nasty, use to physically punch and hurt his children and wife so now he’s reaps what he sows…. Some people will look at him and think oh what a shame for that poor old man, but if they knew how he behaved they would understand why he has no visitors.

Point being, it’s sad if the person is lovely and the circumstances are beyond their control but that’s not always the case

That's very true. I can't see myself having any visitors when I am older (no children, only child) but I'd far rather be in a care home than struggling alone at home with only the odd carer visit.

Thankfully, I should have the finances to pay for this. I wouldn't like to be reliant on the LA making the decision for me as to when I could move to a care home. From what I understand, they'll do everything they can to keep older people at home with carer visits. Which is understandable in a way - social care budgets are really stretched.

You see people saying that they'll do everything they can to spend / give away their money so that they'll get their care home place funded, but I don't think they realise how that strips you of choice - both of where to move to, but perhaps most importantly, when to move.

I want my DDs and DGCs to remember me as I am. If I get dementia and it makes me behave in a distressing or embarrassing way, I don't want them to witness that.

However, it's really important that residents get a visitor regularly, because someone needs to be checking on their welfare and the level of care. So I plan to tell my kids to use some of my money to pay for someone to visit me regularly, to check that I'm clean, have no injuries, and have any health conditions recognised and addressed.

The difference between my mum's care and my MIL's was like night and day, and demonstrated that someone needs to be popping in and generally keeping an eye. But unless any slide on dementia is particularly gentle, I don't want it to be my immediate family doing it.

I’m so pleased to read these comments as it’s so true. There often will be reasons no one visits!

DM is in a care home and, while it's not perfect I agree with what others have said about it being better in many ways that being isolated at home. We're lucky that DM was allocated to a home nearby so I can get in regularly to see her outside my working hours. It's much harder for those of working age whose elderly relatives live far away / who have families of their own etc. Also a good percentage of the people who don't get visitors were originally from other countries and I imagine their families are far away. The staff are very kind though and their needs are met so it could be a lot worse.

But, I do see what you mean OP that once someone is settled in a care home and relatives know their needs are being met, it makes it easier to put off visiting.

What on earth are you talking about? People have been giving examples of reasons as to why SOME may not get visitors. Of course it’s not the case in every situation, however it’s no wonder if you had an abusive father (your example) you wouldn’t want to visit him. That is definitely a case of you reap what you sow.

No one has suggested that’s always the case but to assume no one ever brings it on themselves is laughable. They absolutely do

A dementia Dr asked me have you heard of the parson's wife? Apparently they can be vile to their family and sweet as pie to strangers, this is also my personal experience, so these people in homes being nice to carers may be abusive to their own relatives hence no visitors

I dont think that the majority of care home residents with no visitors have brought it on themselves (although I'm sure some have).

The sad truth is that the majority of people in care homes have some form of dementia and there's nothing like having dementia to make family and friends "not see the point" in visiting any more. Added to which the friends who might oncee have visited are often aging themselves and not as mobile as they once were. And, of course, once all the "inheritance " is going on care home fees you'd be amazed how many family members loose interest.

Have you seen the film 'I Care A Lot'? It might put you off the idea of having a paid, professional guardian of your welfare!

My parents were in a lovely nursing home.

The manager welcomed volunteers (properly checked, of course.)
She directed them to people who would like company.

As you're interested in this, if you ever have spare time, you could consider it.

My DH was in a care home. There was another resident there named John. He was a former alcoholic who had become homeless and now had dementia. His family never came to visit him.
One day I was visiting my DH with my DGS who was 1 at the time. John was sitting there looking sad. DGS looked at him then went over and gave him a hug. John's eyes lit up and he smiled.
I always tried to talk to the other residents in there when I visited my DH. John wasn't the only one who didn't get any visitors. It made me sad.

My MIL has dementia and last time I saw her she would have fit in well in the exorcist. The decision was made to preserve the memories that the family had and stop the visits.

I agree I was joint NOK amongst 4 for a relative who had dementia in a care home. 3 of 4 of us would visit about once a month. It was difficult as relative had reached a point who they wouldn't have known when we last visited or not and was displaced in time and place. NOK no 4 never bothered visiting at all.

I don't judge as with dementia as it progresses it is very hard to see a shell of the former person and them wasting away both physically and mentally. When there I often felt relative wouldn't have noticed or cared less whether I visited or not. And I didn't enjoy it TBH, the home smelt of wee (they all did that we visited, even the "posh" ones) and you had to visit relative in a big room where all the other residents were sat, there wasn't a separate visited room. The other residents just stared and stared at you.

It was a very small funeral. It's amazing how many friends you lose and never see again once in a care home.