To think it’s really sad how many care home residents don’t get visitors?

[RoomByTheWindow]

I recently read something that said a huge percentage of care home residents never get a single visitor. No family, no friends - not even during holidays or birthdays. That’s stayed with me.

I know every situation is different. Some families are far away, some relationships are strained. But still, the idea that people can live out their final years with so little human contact feels bleak. Even a short visit or a card can mean the world.

I’m not trying to guilt-trip anyone. I just think we don’t talk enough about what it means to age in a society where people are too busy, too distant or too uncomfortable to show up.

AIBU to feel really unsettled by this and to think more of us should be checking in?

I don't think I will get many visitors if I have to live in nursing or residential care as I'm childless and don't have a partner now.

I never visited my mother when she was in a nursing home because she was a violent child molester who also perpetrated psychological cruelty. But she had my 3 siblings running around after her and who she had manipulated against me as if I was the perpetrator and a liar. That includes the 2 who were also abused by her. No doubt the home's staff were told what a terrible daughter I was.

I worked in a nursing home and there were lots of reasons why relatives and friends did and didn't visit. Sometimes visiting relatives wanted an inheritance and sometimes relatives couldn't visit because they lived abroad or their religion forbade them traveling on certain days.

I think it's worse that family members turn up all too quickly after the resident has passed away.

I know some families have valid reasons but saw it far too often for this to apply to everyone of those instances I saw

He was a former alcoholic who had become homeless

You have no idea what this man may have put his family through. My friends father was an alcoholic and she’s had years of therapy to come to terms with the damage it inflicted in her childhood

You are right. It is beyond sad and it is bad not only for those neglected elderly, but it is bad for the people neglecting them, it turns our society into an egoistic, consumerist, vapid place. Just look on MN - me, me, me, me. Your post stands out because it is not me, me, taxes rising, me again.

When my grandmother was in a care home my dad visited her several times a week and was with her when she died - but even if he hadn't been, since they wanted her room cleared within 24 hours I'm not surprised that people turn up quickly!

This could end up being me. And I've never been abusive to anyone.

I don't have children.
My half-sibling is almost 20 years older than me, and although I love my niece and nephew (20 years younger than me) we aren't close,just because of the age gap with me and their Mum, we weren't close either and I was away at uni and then in a different city while they were growing up, I would certainly not expect them to take time to visit me.

I have never had a proper partner and I am early forties now so unless something happens very quickly, that is unlikely to change so children would be more unlikely plus I'm gay, which doesn't help matters of conception

I do make a point of making friends with people of all ages, younger as well as older so who knows, perhaps one of my young friends might come and see me when I'm 90 and they're 70. But I don't expect it.

I think if you have a gift for friendship, and it sounds as if you do, then you have as much chance of visitors as anyone else. And/or of making friends among other residents.

Thank you.
I agree with this entirely and have work experience re this also

@RoomByTheWindow- you said the numbers were shocking, what are they? What percentage of people in a care home have no visitors? Can you point us towards where you read it?

Id be interested how that compares to what percentage of the over 70s don’t have children. (And I guess those who don’t have children will be over represented in care home numbers given adult children usually end up doing a lot of care.)

Yeah this. ^ Are you coming back to the thread @RoomByTheWindow ???

I do sometimes visit a lady of 99. All her friends have died, her daughter (my age) has died, her son is ill and she doesn't get visited often as the only other relatives are a newphew or live miles away. A visit can be difficult as she has dementia, on a good day she 'chats' but no longer has ability to form words that make sense. 'll keep visiting as she clearly recognises me and is pleased to see me (but I'm certain she doesn't know who I am)

Whatever the history or fault I find it upsetting. I was visiting MIL in hospital yesterday and there was a lady who had not been visited once by anyone. At the end of her life, wailing whist they washed her, waiting to die.

This was my experience, and the home I worked for (many moons ago) didn't have that policy.

It saddened me that some of the residents who were wonderfully beautiful people were essentially left to live the final years of their lives alone.

I am in a similar situation, and I really feel for you if it is something you are worrying about.

People from large families don't always understand how easy it is to end up 'alone' (or potentially alone perhaps we should say) through no fault of your own. Like you, I would never be abusive to anyone. I'd like to think I'm kind towards others and thoughtful, but it's not always a case that your behaviour (nice or not nice) is directly correlated to the life circumstances you end up in.

I hope you do have younger friends who visit and care about you in the future.

Yes, I too was wondering what the source of the information is.

That is very kind of you.

Friends, neighbours, siblings, nieces & nephews, etc.

If people have caring family, they often won’t be in a care home in the first place. FIL died at home with MIL caring. MIL otoh was unvisited in a care home because first, she was abusive and DH was strongly advised by his psychiatrist not to see her again, and secondly because she had dementia and got upset by having visitors that she didn’t know but felt she ought to know. So the staff said to stay away.

I doubt those stories are uncommon.

But if they’re only children they won’t have those. Friends will most likely also be old so unrealistic to expect them to visit when they’re in their own care home or have died. Neighbours wise, I wouldn’t visit mine.

Yeah this. Also, there is not MANY older people who didn't have children. Only around 15% of people in their 70s are childfree/childless, and less than 10% of people over 80 are childfree/childless.

The room or flat can be wanted within 24 hours sometimes. This happened with the care home my Grandma was in. So people have to turn up to do that even if they haven't been regular visitors.

My Grandma's care home was in the same small town as my parents lived in and they did drop in to visit her regularly. That was not the case for every resident and every family though, and couldn't be.

What I think is sad is keeping people alive year after year in a pitiful state where they cannot look after themselves.
As someone in my 60’s my greatest fear is that I will be like my mum with dementia who had no idea where she was or who anyone is. I’m hoping for a heart attack like my dad, he was dead before he hit the floor.

That made me chuckle 🤭🥴

I agree with this. That's a whole different thread though! 😬

I dunno. My grandparents were both in nursing homes and they had all the human contact they could stand. Even when people pissed them off I’m glad they had that. Far more distressing to be stuck with by yourself with no one.

I do think family dynamics are complicated. I’ve basically decided ages ago I won’t be looking after my mother, she will need to get carers in or go into a home. Too much stuff has happened and she’s treated various people badly over the years herself- including me, so she can’t really be complaining she’s getting a rough deal in that respect. I’ll visit her but that’s as much as she’s getting from me. Same with my dad for slightly different reasons.