To think it’s really sad how many care home residents don’t get visitors?

[RoomByTheWindow]

I recently read something that said a huge percentage of care home residents never get a single visitor. No family, no friends - not even during holidays or birthdays. That’s stayed with me.

I know every situation is different. Some families are far away, some relationships are strained. But still, the idea that people can live out their final years with so little human contact feels bleak. Even a short visit or a card can mean the world.

I’m not trying to guilt-trip anyone. I just think we don’t talk enough about what it means to age in a society where people are too busy, too distant or too uncomfortable to show up.

AIBU to feel really unsettled by this and to think more of us should be checking in?

This thread is giving the impression that there's no point visiting anyone with advanced dementia because they won't recognise you and it might upset them. That isn't always the case.

Both of my grandmothers had dementia and I wish I'd visited them more often, especially the one I saw very rarely due to distance. When I did visit, I'd put money on them not knowing exactly who I was (in fact one thought I was various different people), but they seemed pleased to see me, chatted away and sometimes wanted to hold my hand. When one got to the stage where she could only say a few words, she still laughed often and didn't seem unhappy. My other grandmother enjoyed looking at family photo albums even when she no longer knew who my mum and I were.

Sometimes, people with dementia believe their relatives are not who they say they are, as they can only remember them at at much earlier stage of their life. Think about how confusing it must be if a 50-year-old arrives and claims to be your teenage daughter. If this happens, I think pushing the point can make things worse. And even if your relative goes through a confused and angry phase in which they don't enjoy your visits, due to the progressive nature of dementia, this phase will probably pass.

I find the "selfish children" narrative very interesting - if you love your parent and have a good relationship with them you will make the effort to visit because you want to. If you don't, you won't - as soon as the word "selfish" comes into play, it's recognised that the visit is a burden, and why is that? Why is it selfish to not spend time with someone whom you don't have a good relationship with?

Both my granny’s had dementia and you’re right it is difficult when they’re in their own world. The thing is though, I am so completely sure that on some level they do recognise loved ones and are happy/comforted to see them, but what’s happened to their brain means that they just can’t outwardly acknowledge it.

I’m no expert obviously but I’m so sure they do know on some level and I could never ignore a loved one with dementia/similar.

You've obviously dealt with calm placid dementia. Say the same when it's pure terror and violence.

Plenty of people only cultivate relationships if they think that they can get material benefit out of it - like money or help with childcare. I suspect this is getting more pronounced.

This thread is giving the impression that there's no point visiting anyone with advanced dementia because they won't recognise you and it might upset them. That isn't always the case

I was one of the people who said that visiting my dad was upsetting because he didnt recognise me and the visits would upset both of us. That doesnt mean I think it applies to everyone or thats a reason why noone should visit!

I mentioned it because the OP specifically asked why people weren't checking in. Thats why. In end stage dementia its very, very common for people not to recognise their relatives or to even know where they are or why. Oh and BTW that stage doesnt always "pass". It didnt with my dad.

Absolutely, but as you are aware Advanced dementia can present in many different ways
When I worked in Dementia care some people were very happy in their own world
The first ward I worked on as a qualified nurse was a Dementis ward
One longterm patient was mainly non verbal but would sing loudly and out of tune all day She was seemingly very content ,her 90 year old husband visited her every day and took her home for lunch
But other people are very distressed and frightened..

Isn't part of the benefit of a care home that if youre still with it ebough to want company that it's a new stage of life to meet new people?

Yes, obviously I know many are very unwell, but isn't it a bit communal? With some gentle activities?

I agree with PPs about some of them being in the situation due to their own choices. But also everyone else has their own responsibilities. People work long hours and over holidays. Then days off are pretty hectic if you have children and a house.

Both of my parents had dementia. It’s a creeping thing, some days they will recognise you, some days not. They retreat into their own world because it’s safe there, but even in the most advanced stages sufferers need and respond to comfort.

It’s ridiculous to say they don’t benefit from visits, once they lose the power of communication no-one knows what they’re feeling. It didn't matter to me that my DM didn’t know who I was, as long as she knew I was someone she could feel safe with.

Some people are in care homes because they don't have anyone. People with family who can and will help last longer at home before having to go into care. It's sad, but no-one's fault. There's a built-in bias in who has to go into care.

Yes one of my grans could be violent when she was very bad with her dementia. The other one had severe, severe anxiety and depression in the earlier days of her dementia. I agree it’s very difficult. Particularly when it’s so different from one day to the next.

My mum had dementia. She didn’t have a clue who I was and ‘new’ people distressed her. I didn’t visit much, she got nothing out of it (and I certainly didn’t).

Well as you say you are no expert having worked in Dementia care for a long time ,it can present very differently in different people

I do think sometimes it can be circumstances too though.

I am childless (not really by choice). I have no siblings and therefore no nieces or nephews (again, not my fault or choice).

I can't see me getting many visitors if I end up in a care home. I do my best to be a good friend, and I'll definitely try to stay engaged in the community as I age. I'd like to do voluntary work and that sort of thing. But will anyone care enough to visit me - I am not sure.

Same with my gran. I tried to visit her but she was convinced I was an old friend of hers who had betrayed her years prior and told me to get out. I tried so many times but gave up in the end because it would make her so furious. What was I supposed to do? - keep upsetting her 🙄

They're just people, though. The same as younger people, just old. So it will be the same as any reason why human beings might be alone.

Some of them have outlived their family and friends, some are natural solitaries, some retreated from the wider world inside a very devoted marriage and their spouse died, some are being neglected by their loved ones, some of them are difficult people who have alienated everyone in their lives, some have children only on other continents, some have dementia in ways that means visitors only distress them -- and any number of other reasons. As many reasons as there are people.

But what occurs to me, reading Mn, is how many genuinely misanthropic people there are on here. The kind of person who says 'I have no need for friends, that's just drama' or who says 'The occasional word exchanged with a fellow dog walker is more than enough for me' is likely to end up an unvisited elder. But they've been like that, without human contact, all their lives. It just shows more in a care home, where their lack of human ties is more visible.

It's ridiculous to assume that everyone with dementia is like your mother
They are not some will be some will be very, frightened, angry and even violent

Yes I agree no two people with dementia are the same. In addition every day for someone with dementia is different which is obviously a challenge in itself. I have a lot of admiration for those that work in care homes, it must be a very difficult job.

This is very true.

Of course, I'm not saying that a care home is the most wonderful place to spend your later years, and I fully understand why for some it could be a source of dread, however it does at least provide social interaction and a sense of community perhaps.

I read a piece of research recently 'New research reveals six ways that care homes support older people to thrive' (It can be found with a Google search) that supports this.

They retreat into their own world because it’s safe there

No, this is absolutely wrong. Many people with dementia don't feel safe at all, they are frightened, confused and distressed. Their brains are literally damaged.

My mother made my life an absolute misery all through my teens, I’m not going to rewrite history just because she has dementia and is a care home.

Shes a 4 hour drive away, doesn’t know who I am when I am there and my visits are to make sure she’s clean and fed - and as infrequent as I can get away with.

@RoomByTheWindow- do you presume they all have someone who could visit but doesn’t, rather than face the fact some people have no family or friends by the time they are at the stage of needing a care home.

I think there’s all sorts of different situations that can happen. My grandma did get frequent visits in the care home, but the first year she was in there my parents went and got her on Christmas morning to bring her to their house for the day so that we could all be together. She was really confused and distressed the whole time and kept asking to go back to the home. It was awful for everyone, especially her. I know it’s not your original point, but before that I’d have thought of course we’d never leave grandma in the home on Christmas Day.

I think a lot of people have a point about dementia patients actually being distressed by visits and better off without them. There probably also are a lot who just weren’t very nice. I expect some who were nice but are now neglected too. So many different reasons. But not all of them reflect badly on the people not visiting.

many people don’t have children, so by the time they hit 90s, who would be visiting them?