DHs comments about DDs boyfriend are really pissing me off

[LeFosters]

DD is 24, she’s been with her new boyfriend for a year and he’s genuinely just a lovely lad, he’s successful, he clearly adores DD and I’ve never heard DD talk so positively about someone she’s with, he’s totally different to the type of guy she dated before and I think it’s for the best.

We have two family group chats, one without our kids partners which is definitely the more used one, then one with, It was made as a way to share plans if everyone was going and to wish their partners happy birthday etc. DD added her boyfriend about a month and a half ago and since then all I’ve had are the most ridiculous comments from DH.

The latest being this morning DD and her boyfriend sent some videos last night into the group chat of them doing karaoke last night, nothing weird. DH declared “god he’s a bit gay isn’t he”, he also calls him boring (the poor lad just enjoys a fun fact and plays chess), constantly states DD could do better. He’s spent the last hour mocking their karaoke song choices (which aren’t even weird).

DH was never like this with DS1 or DS2 partners or with DDs last boyfriend. We are hosting everyone at Christmas this year and I’m absolutely dreading it as I just know DH won’t be able to help himself from making unnecessary comments.

AIBU to be annoyed by this from him?

Tell him firmly that his comments are out of order, reflect poorly on him, and if he comes out with anything when you’ve got family over you’ll be responding with some choice ones about him in front of everyone.

Poor you, ask him to get counselling, he’s got some jealousy issues & he’ll push his daughter away.

..and being with a homophobic twat must be a massive ick.

Anyone using 'gay' as an insult is a homophobic twat. He is the one who should be dumped, not your DD's boyfriend.

Gosh he sounds like a complete twat. I wouldn't be able to help myself saying something, I definitely wouldn't let him rant on for an hour over something so trivial as karaoke song choices without telling him to shut up.

Christmas is going to be incredibly awkward for the poor bloke if he's being constantly belittled by him.

Maybe you need to have a solid sit down chat with your DH beforehand to tell him his behaviour is going to cause a rift in the family. Your DD and this young man are serious about their relationship and she shouldn't have to put up with someone disrespecting her partner.

He might be able to tell you why he dislikes this man - is your DH a bit of a bully who feels inadequate around people he sees as 'nerdy'?

He sounds like a knucklehead bully. Ew.

Tell him to grow up and how unattractive it is when he makes these ridiculous comments. If he does ever make a comment in this lad's earshot then I hope you'll have the courage to call him out on it.

I would be disgusted too. Does your DH consider himself, a man's man, idiot.
Remind him the new men are more comfortable in their identity, macho men are knob heads and outdated.

Remind him that if, by his behaviour, he makes his daughter choose, she’ll go with the boy not him and that you’ll never forgive him.

I really don’t understand it, DH is hardly the epitome of a “bloke”, and he actually has more in common with this boyfriend than he did with the last one (both massive F1 fans and football fans, last boyfriend was a rugby lad that DH had almost nothing in common with), I can’t actually figure out why he dislikes him so much!

He can see it’s serious and he’s being a jealous dad. He needs to get over it.

Is he jealous / resentful?

Sounds like this guy is very decent (is it good job / family money/ genersl looks)

Id tell him to cop on and stop it now. This negativity is habit forming and if she marries him and your dh carries on like this is going to put distance between youbplural and your dd. You arent prepared for that to happen to you if he keeps on amd you have to pick. You'll be picking your dd

WTAF.

My DF was inexplicably unfriendly to one of my BFs, an Oxbridge grad. Never knew why, but later found out one of the reasons he ended it was he was looking for a more family oriented family to 'be part of'.

You have a values issue. No one is good enough for his precious DD. Not sure if it's old fashioned views, wanting the partner to be a 'certain' type as thinks thats what his DD needs. But women are independent these days and need and want different things in partners. He needs to think - is my DD happy first and foremost? If so then be supportive. If there's no red flags then why be like that?

He may be but I’ve never seen him like this before.
The guy is a lawyer, from a nice family from what I can tell, and well id say he’s a very attractive guy (well within the realms of how attractive I can view men in their 20s as!) more so than DDs last boyfriend but then I’ve never really seen the appeal of big rugby men!

I don’t know if DH maybe feels insecure as this guy is definitely more intelligent than he is.

He’s behaving like an idiot and needs to be told as such.
Your daughter sounds like she’s happy and with a decent man, ask him outright what his problem is.
Using “gay” as an insult is something 9 year olds do. Tell him to grow the fuck up.

Your DH is absolutely 100% insecure. What was he like at the same age? What did/does he do career wise?

Was the BF really good at singing? Maybe your DH is jealous because he's tone deaf? 🤣

Seriously though (the above is light hearted obviously) It does sound like he is worried this man will be the one and he doesn't like the idea of not being the top man in his daughter's life.
There is also the remote possibility that your DH fancies him and is dealing with that by acting homophobic and putting the guy down.
Whatever the feeling he's having, he's not handling it well.
Ask him what it's really about because he's being over the top, and don't stop until he actually thinks about it and stops being a twat.

Sounds like he’s threatened in some weird way. He should want the best for his DD really shouldn’t he? Boyfriend sounds lovely.

Is he worried the bf can’t “protect” DD if he’s not very laddish, maybe sees him as a bit soft. It’s literally the only thing I can think of from a dads perspective iyswim.

Honestly though it doesn’t matter, he needs to make nice however he feels. I’m fairly sire DH is going to loathe anyone DD brings home but he’ll do his best not to mess anything up for her or make anyone feel unwelcome (I hope).

And from someone with ILs who can’t help themselves from making snide remarks - nip that in the bud immediately! We have nothing to do with ILs anymore because FIL just can’t be normal and nice.

I think your husband has some issues with himself so he’s kind of projecting it onto the boyfriend.

I read somewhere once that people that annoy us most often have traits that we dislike in ourselves.

It’s just so absurd to me!
I hope he is the one for DD, he treats her so well and and it’s the happiest I’ve seen her in a relationship!

My 11 year old knows not to use gay as an insult.
Grown men using homophobic insults are pathetic.

It sounds like he feels insecure as boyfriend is more intelligent. He sounds like a bit of a bully with the ridiculous comments he’s making. What does he do for a job?

You've answered your own question.

He makes your dh feel inadequate and less than. His insecurity and jealousy is driving this.
Time for a sit down and conpassionate heart to heart. Id try that first before going in heavier