DHs comments about DDs boyfriend are really pissing me off

[LeFosters]

DD is 24, she’s been with her new boyfriend for a year and he’s genuinely just a lovely lad, he’s successful, he clearly adores DD and I’ve never heard DD talk so positively about someone she’s with, he’s totally different to the type of guy she dated before and I think it’s for the best.

We have two family group chats, one without our kids partners which is definitely the more used one, then one with, It was made as a way to share plans if everyone was going and to wish their partners happy birthday etc. DD added her boyfriend about a month and a half ago and since then all I’ve had are the most ridiculous comments from DH.

The latest being this morning DD and her boyfriend sent some videos last night into the group chat of them doing karaoke last night, nothing weird. DH declared “god he’s a bit gay isn’t he”, he also calls him boring (the poor lad just enjoys a fun fact and plays chess), constantly states DD could do better. He’s spent the last hour mocking their karaoke song choices (which aren’t even weird).

DH was never like this with DS1 or DS2 partners or with DDs last boyfriend. We are hosting everyone at Christmas this year and I’m absolutely dreading it as I just know DH won’t be able to help himself from making unnecessary comments.

AIBU to be annoyed by this from him?

I’ve had a longer conversation with DH this afternoon. He said he doesn’t really know why he doesn’t like this guy, he said he is worried DD will be really hurt if he leaves her and thinks he’s just a a bit meh. I pointed out that the “gay” comments are totally unacceptable, and he replied “I don’t mean I actually think he’s gay just that he’s not super masculine”, I asked why it mattered so much to him and he agreed he just didn’t really know.
DS2 then pitched in and said that as far as guys in their mid-late 20s go, intelligent, good looking, kind and emotionally open is pretty much a unicorn according to his GF so DH should just be glad that she’s found someone she’s happy with.
DH has promised he will not make any more stupid comments and actually make an effort with the guy.

Good for your DS2, I love when adult sons stand up against their pig-headed fathers 👏🏻

He’s just jealous and insecure. I’m glad you spoke to him and your son stepped in. He wants his daughter to be with someone he feels superior to. He’s made it about him. And hasn’t put his daughter first.

domt give him an inch now, next time he does it, pull him up immediately. Even if it means asking him to leave the room, don’t let him sabotage this for your daughter so he feels superior.

I pointed out that the “gay” comments are totally unacceptable, and he replied “I don’t mean I actually think he’s gay just that he’s not super masculine

using gay as an insult is so utterly unacceptable. I don’t even know how you can look at him.

he said he is worried DD will be really hurt if he leaves her

Well that's a possibility with an relationship & him being an utter arse has no bearing on that.

thinks he’s just a a bit meh.

He's not the one dating him so it's irrelevant.

Hopefully he's finally put that spade away!

He's worried she will be hurt if he leaves her? Yet he is doing everything he can to make sure it happens

It could be that the bf rubs him the wrong way. Sometimes some people do that for no reason. But as an adult he needs to he able to keep it t himself.

@LeFosters
Well it sounds like he has done really well if he has afforded private school for the children. Carpentry & law are quite different though & I imagine tradies might make fun of office workers for being a bit soft. But he’s gone beyond that. Just hope that DD hasn’t picked up on it.

Is the guy physically unattractive? And noticeably so compared to your dd? Your DH saying 'well he's not exactly Charles Leclerc is he?' seems to be him trying to say that the guy is an ugly fucker. And this would fit in with him saying dd could do better.

I don’t think so, he’s tall, he works out/is toned/muscly and has a nice face in my opinion. He’s slimmer than DDs previous boyfriends but that’s mainly as DD used to use her unis rugby team as real life tinder (not a dig, just true!).

He sounds so horribly shallow if he thinks not looking like a rich celebrity sportsman means his dd could do better.

Your DH does sound jealous and threatened by this young man @LeFosters Not a good look. Your last update still hasn't put him in a good light. He still sounds ridiculous! The toxic masculinity is oooozing out of his pores! He said the lad seems a bit gay because he's not very masculine. FFS.

Good insightful comment

<<he said he didn’t know, but a guy who is that in love with his girlfriend is usually a sign the girlfriend could do better>>

My goodness this does really show a deep mysogyny. Ask him to really think about what this means. It means he prefers your DD to be with a 'real man he can respect' and in his mind he equatws this with , one that treats women badly or at least on the surface hides how he feels , or alternatively does not feel

So openly behaving as of you love someone is not masculine? Is that what he believes?

I have to say I think you’ve both missed the point on the gay comment, it’s not to do with him thinking he is or isn’t, it’s the fact it’s homophobic to use it as an insult, regardless of whether he thinks it to be true or not. It was used by bullies when I was in school about 20 years ago, really thought that most people had moved on from that being bandied around as an insult. Aside from that it’s good you spoke to him properly about it.

Does he think he is Charles Leclerc? Is he not completely in love with you? Could either of you have ‘done better’?

These are the questions you need to ask him!

Yes, this. The accuracy of the statement (or DH's belief in the accuracy) is irrelevant. "Gay" is being used in an insulting and demeaning manner, as if homosexuality is something shameful. That's the problem with the phrasing.

I hate to say it op, but he sounds thick as mince. Both emotionally and intellectually. Using gay as a slur, thinking karaoke with your girlfriend is gay, thinking if you’re in love with your girlfriend she could do better.

so he’s just jealous and insecure round this young man and struggling to come up with any reason, so saying daft things as he’s so rhick he can’t think on his feet.

how do you not have the ick? Thay poor guy, imagine that being your future father in law. How utterly cringe.

What kind of a husband has he been over the years OP, if you are absolutely honest.

That's a good update to read @LeFosters - your DS2 sounds very wise and a good brother to your DD. I hope his words sink in and your DH can successfully reign in his nonsense from now on.
Best wishes to you. x

Agreed, well done DS2! Hopefully DH will learn how not to be a dick 🤞

Sounds like everything is moving in the right direction. Well done to you, your daughter and your son. Hopefully you can work little by little on your husband’s regressive ideas. Perhaps every time he does something that falls short of GI Joe you can ask him if he thinks it indicates homosexuality.