DHs comments about DDs boyfriend are really pissing me off

[LeFosters]

DD is 24, she’s been with her new boyfriend for a year and he’s genuinely just a lovely lad, he’s successful, he clearly adores DD and I’ve never heard DD talk so positively about someone she’s with, he’s totally different to the type of guy she dated before and I think it’s for the best.

We have two family group chats, one without our kids partners which is definitely the more used one, then one with, It was made as a way to share plans if everyone was going and to wish their partners happy birthday etc. DD added her boyfriend about a month and a half ago and since then all I’ve had are the most ridiculous comments from DH.

The latest being this morning DD and her boyfriend sent some videos last night into the group chat of them doing karaoke last night, nothing weird. DH declared “god he’s a bit gay isn’t he”, he also calls him boring (the poor lad just enjoys a fun fact and plays chess), constantly states DD could do better. He’s spent the last hour mocking their karaoke song choices (which aren’t even weird).

DH was never like this with DS1 or DS2 partners or with DDs last boyfriend. We are hosting everyone at Christmas this year and I’m absolutely dreading it as I just know DH won’t be able to help himself from making unnecessary comments.

AIBU to be annoyed by this from him?

Oh FFS, why are many middle aged/just past middle aged men (around mid 40s to mid 60s) like this? Rude and obnoxious, and opinionated?! I know about half a dozen such men. Always saying inappropriate words and phrases, (like bigoted and offensive) because 'it's just how I speak,' and 'that's just me.' Absolute arseholes some of them.

My DH was a bit like this, and I actually shouted at him, and he looked like a scolded child. I had told him to stop a few times, and he didn't, and then I yelled at him, and told him he was close to our DC blocking him and not coming to our house anymore (they are in their late 20s and left home a decade ago.) In fact, our DD said she wasn't coming again after this one thing he said.

He wasn't having a go at any of their partners, he was saying offensive terminology. And I think on some level he was doing it for a reaction/to wind people up. My DD saying she's not coming to the house again, because of a couple of things he had said shook him up. (He is late 50s.)

Since then (a couple of years ago,) he has behaved better... Sounds daft, and like I'm his mum, but FFS if these men aren't told, they will carry on! My dad (now deceased) is 30 years older than me and DH, and he never came out with the same shit. It's a 'man born between 1960 and 1980 or so' thing. (IME) He didn't even start it til he hit 50. I don't know what the fuck got into him, but as I said, some men of a similar age are just like this.

Anyway @LeFosters You REALLY need to fucking go at him, and tell him he stops NOW, or he won't be seeing your daughter and her boyfriend anymore. He sounds about 12 years old, and actually like he's jealous of this young man. As has been said, he is probably jealous of his youth, his intelligence, and possibly his looks. What an utter arsehole. He's displaying some unpleasant toxic masculinity too. I'm so sorry this is happening, but he needs taking down a few pegs!

I'm sorry OP, this must be very hard to put up with. He will definitely be risking driving your DD away and causing her immense distress if he can't keep his comments to himself.

I'd tell him (though you probably already have) that if he ever wants to walk his daughter down the aisle and give her away at her wedding to the man of her choice, then he needs to reign it in and cut back on the snark. Right back.

Hope there are better days ahead for you and your family. x

Op says he was added 1.5 months ago. And that they have a separate group chat without him (and other partners). I am not necessarily disagreeing with being too emeshed. But there is a difference between adding a bf of 1.5months and bf of a year to a group chat that isn't the only one in the family.

Also, we don't know how much they spend together. Throwing a pic into a group chat every now and then doesn't mean that they aren't living their own lives.

This ^^

My ILs have similar attitudes to OPs DH and I keep my DC as far away from them as I can.

FILs DC and GDC spend time with him because they feel they have to and its like a box ticking exercise every few months. On paper FIL is educated, successful etc…but behind the facade is a homophobic, insecure, misogynist bully.

Trust me OP, your DC will be quietly observing your DHs behaviour and making judgement.
They may well make different choices in the near future to the ones they feel they have to make now.

He wanted your DD privately educated but he wants her to pick someone like him, he can see the new BFs clever, well educated, hopefully going to have a good career in the law so no real grounds for dislike, he just can't relate to him and feels second best. Best he gets over it because if your DD gets engaged to this guy your DH will try to talk her round and this will blow up in his face.

Agree. My son (the one who has a similar problem with his gf’s dad) said that he’s recently just realised that he’s not really met a likeable older man (including his own dad, son is in his early 20s), that they seem to have this unpleasant view of people and life and why are they so obnoxious and arrogant.

Blatant homophobia aside, it does sound like DH is a bit intimidated by the BF.

Is DH a 'beer and cars' man who likes to surround himself with other men of similar tastes and intellects?

Maybe the introduction of an intelligent, successful, chess playing young man has rattled his fragile male ego a tad?

Either way, you're right to call it out and tell him to pack it in. All he's going to do is push DD away from the family.

Tell your DH all the negging comments make it seem like he fancies the boyfriend, has he got a little crush? Only joking, of course.

@BunnyLake

Agree. My son (the one who has a similar problem with his gf’s dad) said that he’s recently just realised that he’s not really met a likeable older man (including his own dad, son is in his early 20s), that they seem to have this unpleasant view of people and life and why are they so obnoxious and arrogant.

@JustSawJohnny

Blatant homophobia aside, it does sound like DH is a bit intimidated by the BF. Is DH a 'beer and cars' man who likes to surround himself with other men of similar tastes and intellects? Maybe the introduction of an intelligent, successful, chess playing young man has rattled his fragile male ego a tad? Either way, you're right to call it out and tell him to pack it in. All he's going to do is push DD away from the family.

Yep! Lots of men who are between their mid to late 40s, and their mid to late 60s are just like this. ^

They think they've earned the right to say whatever offensive shit they like, and they've done so because of the passage of time, and the fact they're 'older.' Also, 'it's a free country' and they'll say what they like, and anyone who doesn't like it is a snowflake. I get that the odd word slips out now and again (old terminology!) but some men use it just to get a reaction, and to shock people. It's so pathetic. It's like some badge of honour with some middle aged/a bit older than middle aged men.

As I said, my own dad (who was 3 decades older than me and DH, so would be late 80s now) was nothing like this. He was around when the Windrush Generation came over the the UK, and shops started opening up (in our Midlands town) that were owned by Indians and Pakistanis, (who were new to the town,) and my dad (and mum) loved getting to know these new people, and welcomed them. (Some people weren't so welcoming, but many were.)

Also, in the 1970s, and 1980s, there were 2 male hairdressers in the town, that many women went to, and they were both gay/in same sex relationships. Again, no horrible words or phrases from my parents (or grandparents actually! Born around 1910s...) I never heard my dad use racist or bigoted or homophobic words, ever. OR my mum. OR my grandparents.

Yet these men born 1960s and 1970s mostly seem to take great delight in using racist, homophobic, and ableist terminology. Oh, and finally, I was born in the mid-late 1960s, and I don't use this language either.

.

Ask him if he'd rather she had a boyfriend who beat the shit out of her and isolated her from her family completely....

If you want a good relationship with your DD and her BF going forward you really need to nip this in the bud. They will undoubtedly both notice and discuss his behaviour and if, as you expect, they stay together it will likely result in them distancing themselves from you both. If he doesn't stop you should also make it clear to all your children that you find his behaviour unacceptable. Otherwise your silence may be misinterpreted as supporting his position.

Do you think he dislikes the new boyfriend as the old boyfriends resembled him more?

There's food for thought...

Invite his parents round. Let’s see how your dh behaves around them.

😂 I think you do know!

Classic dad-daughter syndrome. Your DH is worried about 'losing' his DD/no longer being the most important man in her life and is lashing out. The reason he wasn't like this with previous boyfriends is that they weren't a genuine threat; this time he can sense that it is serious. Honestly, his behaviour is textbook.

It's fine for you to you to find it annoying, though, and fine to call him out on it. It sounds like a part of him knows he is being unreasonable so hopefully if you keep pointing that out, the message will get through

Gay as a slur? That tells us a lot about the man.

Classic dad-daughter syndrome? My dad was never like this. Probably glad to get me married off! 😆

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I had to look up who Charles Leclerc is (I thought he was a character in Allo Allo, showing both my age and the fact that I take very little interest when DH is watching F1 😂)

What is your DH's vision of ideal boyfriend for DD?

He’s just quite good looking. Although if I was being picky, Carlos Sainz is much more suited to op’s husband’s ideal of ‘not gay’, he is pretty, has nice hair, is of course a F1 driver and he even plays golf. How very manly and straight.

I’m really glad you challenged him, because honestly his answers to your question are bullshit. The “bit gay” comment was ridiculous enough, but the idea that a man being openly smitten with his girlfriend is somehow a sign she “could do better” is genuinely worrying. What’s the alternative he’s suggesting here – that DD should only date men who treat her with indifference? That she doesn’t deserve a man who’s smitten by her? That’s a very strange and damaging message to send your daughter.

Men who adore their partners aren’t a red flag; men who sneer at other men for being loving absolutely are. DD is an adult, she’s happy, and she’s chosen someone who treats her well. Your DH needs to take a long, hard look at why her happiness is provoking this reaction from him, and you’re right to be annoyed. At this point, he needs a firm boundary: he doesn’t have to love the boyfriend, but he does have to stop with the needless, belittling comments – especially in front of DD. It’s unkind, it’s unfair, and I would read him the riot act, because whether he intends it or not, it risks undermining her confidence and her relationship for no reason at all. And, no, he’s not going to try harder, he is going to reign it in or say nothing at all.

Ha ha - "It is I, Leclerc!" - haven't thought of that for years. Be great if that was the DH's barometer for maximum manliness.

"Allo Allo" 😂

Nor.mine, I hasten to add. And ditto probably, but it is a well-worn trope for a reason...

Yeah, sorry. 🫣

Ha ha - "It is I, Leclerc!"

That's where I know the name from!