DHs comments about DDs boyfriend are really pissing me off

[LeFosters]

DD is 24, she’s been with her new boyfriend for a year and he’s genuinely just a lovely lad, he’s successful, he clearly adores DD and I’ve never heard DD talk so positively about someone she’s with, he’s totally different to the type of guy she dated before and I think it’s for the best.

We have two family group chats, one without our kids partners which is definitely the more used one, then one with, It was made as a way to share plans if everyone was going and to wish their partners happy birthday etc. DD added her boyfriend about a month and a half ago and since then all I’ve had are the most ridiculous comments from DH.

The latest being this morning DD and her boyfriend sent some videos last night into the group chat of them doing karaoke last night, nothing weird. DH declared “god he’s a bit gay isn’t he”, he also calls him boring (the poor lad just enjoys a fun fact and plays chess), constantly states DD could do better. He’s spent the last hour mocking their karaoke song choices (which aren’t even weird).

DH was never like this with DS1 or DS2 partners or with DDs last boyfriend. We are hosting everyone at Christmas this year and I’m absolutely dreading it as I just know DH won’t be able to help himself from making unnecessary comments.

AIBU to be annoyed by this from him?

In a weird way, he actually sounds jealous. Like he’s jealous your DD has met someone nice who treats her well because it may take attention away from him?? Plus the fact the new boyfriend is a lot like him in terms of interests and personality. It’s very Freudian.

I mean I find the whole filming yourself doing karaoke and then sharing it with people quite cringe and attention seeking. Did she share this kind of thing before with previous boyfriends?

you clearly adore the new bf but there’s something your DH doesn’t like and he clearly can’t put his finger on it and is being weird about it

rather than just telling your DH he’s an idiot why don’t you have a proper sit down conversation and when he says vague things like ‘he’s not Charles leclerc’ challenge him on what that means to him. He clearly has an issue and perhaps there is something about the bf that is a red flag. Or perhaps DH needs to come to terms with feelings of insecurity/jealousy. Or maybe he’s having a midlife crisis and he wishes he was young again like the new bf! Who knows - everyone on the thread is speculating and only you can get the answer

Had to Google Charles Leclerc. Is your DD in the league of Charles Leclerc? Because 99.9% of us won't be or won't want to be.

He just sounds like he has terrible taste in men and preferred the good looking bad boys. Fine, but he isn't the one who has to date them.

The only way to deal with this in my opinion is to have a brutally frank chat with your husband along the lines of if he doesn't stop being a twat your daughter will back away. Make it clear that you won't tolerate that. So he has two choices, stop being a complete bell end with his homophobic slurs or have no wife AND no daughter.

Twattish behaviour.

Along with calling DH out for the homophobic slur and generally childish behaviour, I think you could reassure him that you are proud of him for giving your DC the education they've had, and DD's boyfriend is a natural consequence of this. Isn't it just validation of his reasoning for sending them to private school. ie try to make him feel that it is his intelligence that has paid off.

It’s pretty normal in our family group chat to forward little videos etc.
They didn’t film it themselves they were on a night out with friends and one of their friends filmed it. DH sometimes sends videos into the group chat too.

Obviously looks like deliberate sabotage on the part of your dh. Maybe he has a gut feeling that behind money, good looks, lawyer job there is lurking something that might be detrimental to your dd? My dh gut instinct about my dc friends is a lot better than mine and he often was proven right and I was proven wrong. Does he have doubts about the bf sexuality? Hence the gay comments? Does he suspect something? Is he trying to push the bf to the limit to make him expose his 'true colours'? There must be a reason for it, it does not just occur spontaneously. Ask your dh outright, what the problem is and go from there.

Sounds like he’s being an insecure knucklehead. Needs to be told quite firmly to put a lid on it.

OP's DH is the red flag here, if anyone is.

Ewwww, your DH is a massive misogynist (and also homophobic - really sad he is still saying things like “thats gay”. My 8yo knows better). I suspect there is an element of control here. He sees DD falling hard for a lovely bloke who the rest of the family really like and he sees his status as the dominant male of the family threatened. He is reinforcing his status as the patriarch by belittling this apparently intelligent, decent bloke. What a prick.

It doesn't really matter if he likes him or not, the problem is the homophobic slurs he's using. I hope you can see that.

There is a reason for it. OP's DH is feeling insecure and threatened by a younger, more successful, more intelligent man.

Frankly the boyfriend sounds like a much better man than your husband.
“He’s a bit gay” - what an ick, tell him to get back in his cave.

Actually I am now finding his logic on what are or are not gay indicators quite hilarious.

So on this morning's dog walk , because it was chucking it down and super muddy , I wore a pair of sensible boots. Now does that make me a lesbian or just a lesbian for the period of time spent walking the dog in sensible boots. Now I'm back in the house and only wearing socks does that make me bisexual? Tonight I am meeting friends and will be wearing low heels so presumably that means I'm moderately straight.

Yep the simple answers are usually the right answers.

What an utter fuckwit. He should be thrilled that his dd is happy with a nice bloke. I would tell him that straight to his face. Would he prefer her to be with someone “not gay” who comes asking for money or being unfriendly at gatherings or treating your dd worse? Again, what an almighty fuckwit - he needs to cut this out right away.

DH thinks that because the boyfriend is so in love with DD that means she’s too good for him? And how would he apply that logic to your relationship @LeFosters?

This is so weird of your dh and I feel like id be really annoyed about it. Also if id found out my dad was saying things like this about my boyfriend back in the day it would really have affected my relationship with him and how i saw him. Honestly hes acting like a dick.

I think it is quite obvious that the OPs DH is not questioning the BFs sexuality. If he was he would raise it like a normal person. But no, he has a list of activites in his head which he deems not masculine enough and are therefore ‘gay’ and that includes singing karaoke. He is a massive twat and OP is rightly raising concerns about this.

a guy who is that in love with his girlfriend is usually a sign the girlfriend could do better.

What on earth is he talking about.

I'd be so embarrassed to be married to him right now!

It sounds as if he doesn't feel that he "fits in" with his daughter anymore.

Tell him clearly that you will not tolerate him picking of a man half his age and alienating your child. If he continues you will call him out in the same forum that he's doing it. If its in the group chat you'll tell him he's beng unreasonable/ homophobic/ offensive/ a bully in the group chat. He's a prick, picking on a kid half his age because he's insecure. Your daughter is with an intelligent, kind, fun person maybe he would prefer her with a nuckle dragger so he can feel better about himself.

Give me nerdy and respectful over rugby “lads” any day!!

Ask him why he has so much jealousy towards a young lad who clearly loves the bones of your daughter, and she who clearly loves the bones of him. Tell him how weird and freaky he is, to be jealous over his own daughter's boyfriend. He clearly perceives this young lad as a threat in some way. Maybe he feels he's better than him. Certainly sounds it.

Your poor son, maybe the OP should show the thread to her husband as this new boyfriend may feel like your son and be quite hurt. My DS is lucky his girlfriend's Dad is very successful but not living up to stereotypes of men who have made money he is more like a Sting character quite zen etc. Which takes the pressure off DS.

I had to look up who Charles Leclerc is…

Tell your DH that if the bf ends up as your DD's permanent husband or partner, DH will probably have ruined his relationship with both of them forever. And if any grandchildren take after their father as far as hobbies and intelligence go, will DH be ridiculing them too?

He is in danger of his jealousy and insecurity being obvious and making him look ridiculous.