DHs comments about DDs boyfriend are really pissing me off

[LeFosters]

DD is 24, she’s been with her new boyfriend for a year and he’s genuinely just a lovely lad, he’s successful, he clearly adores DD and I’ve never heard DD talk so positively about someone she’s with, he’s totally different to the type of guy she dated before and I think it’s for the best.

We have two family group chats, one without our kids partners which is definitely the more used one, then one with, It was made as a way to share plans if everyone was going and to wish their partners happy birthday etc. DD added her boyfriend about a month and a half ago and since then all I’ve had are the most ridiculous comments from DH.

The latest being this morning DD and her boyfriend sent some videos last night into the group chat of them doing karaoke last night, nothing weird. DH declared “god he’s a bit gay isn’t he”, he also calls him boring (the poor lad just enjoys a fun fact and plays chess), constantly states DD could do better. He’s spent the last hour mocking their karaoke song choices (which aren’t even weird).

DH was never like this with DS1 or DS2 partners or with DDs last boyfriend. We are hosting everyone at Christmas this year and I’m absolutely dreading it as I just know DH won’t be able to help himself from making unnecessary comments.

AIBU to be annoyed by this from him?

He sounds jealous and resentful that this young man will afford your dd a better life than he ever could have.

DH has run a very successful carpentry business for years, but I know he feels insecure about his intelligence, he made a big deal out of sending our children to private school for example so they were “smarter than him”.
The lad doesn’t brag about being intelligent though, he is genuinely really lovely and he makes a real effort with DH, if he’s around when DD FaceTimes us he always makes an effort to ask DH what he thought of the football or F1 and have a nice chat with him.

Sounds like he's getting jealous because he realises its serious now. I think we're all in agreement that your DH is being a bit of a dick about it tho.

Have your DS's said anything about either the boyfriend or their dad's response to him or is your DH only saying derogatory things about boyfriend to you?

How will you approach DH about it?

DS1 sort of pokes jokes at DDs boyfriend (mainly about him playing chess, supporting Man U or the fact he is “smitten” for DD) but it’s always in jest and I think normalish for a big brother. DS2 is close to DD and adores her boyfriend, neither call out DH though, that falls to me!

I think you need to have a conversation with DH. Ask him calmly what he dislikes about boyfriend and don’t let him wriggle out of answering. Remind of the points on here about how he seems really good for your daughter and ask what he thinks about that. Just calmly press him until he tells you what’s going on . Ask him how he’d feel if he spoilt his relationship with DD because of this. Remind him you love him if you need to and think it would help
edited to add - and obviously call him out every time he makes rude comments

Weird about the karaoke, as presumably the two of them chose the songs together - so he's mocking his daughter as much as the boyfriend, unless he thinks somehow the man is (or should be) making all the decisions in the relationship? Also of course his daughter chose, and chooses, this particular boyfriend - so by essentially refusing to accept that decision he's in a sense rejecting her too. Do you think she realises he feels this way, or does he only express it outside of her hearing (which in some ways is even worse)?

what were the karaoke song choices???

What’s wrong with chess? Why do your DH and DS1 find it odd someone plays it?

Your DH sounds ridiculous! He’s acting like a 12 year old! Using “gay” as an insult is homophobic and should be called out separately from the fact he shouldn’t be insulting this lad at all! You really need to get a bit stern about it and say enough is enough and you won’t tolerate any more comments like this. I can imagine it’s quite frustrating for you having to parent your husband on this! It would seriously give me the ick if my husband was acting like this! Well done for not putting up with it.

The latest being this morning DD and her boyfriend sent some videos last night into the group chat of them doing karaoke last night, nothing weird. DH declared “god he’s a bit gay isn’t he”, he also calls him boring (the poor lad just enjoys a fun fact and plays chess), constantly states DD could do better. He’s spent the last hour mocking their karaoke song choices (which aren’t even weird).

So how does DH react when you say "what the F are you talking about?" OP?

The kooks - she moves in her own way and Paolo Nutini - Last Request. Both pretty normal songs to me!

I think they view it as a bit nerdy, no idea why or what’s wrong with that!

I'd be brutally honest with him, saying that using the word "gay" in a derogatory way makes him sound like a 10 year old and you're getting the major ick from him 🤢

He’s jealous!

Point that out to him; it might shut him up.

You need to lay down the law with DH. Tell him he’s coming across like a jealous idiot and he needs to stop it. I assume he’s saying all of this to you and not the poor lads face?

Next time he says something, ask him if he’s prepared to lose his daughter over his comments, because if she ever got wind of what he’s been saying she will 100% choose her BF over him. Hopefully that’ll give him pause. He’s not the number one man in her life any more and he needs to grow up and realise that.

Both songs on my playlist- they have great taste!!

I don't think I could tolerate anyone who used gay as an insult beyond the age of 10.

He sounds insecure and jealous that DD has found a decent man. He can probably see that this relationship is serious unlike previous ones and doesn't like that DD is putting someone else ahead of her daddy. It is really unattractive behaviour from him. I doubt he could even articulate this because it isn't a comfortable thing for men to admit to, the dislike of their daughter having a man other than them front and centre with the misogynistic connotations it gives off.

He went to the effort to privately educate his kids, he must have known he was putting her on a path to meeting partners with higher educational levels than him? Nothing wrong with being a carpenter before anyone comes at me. Remind him of that, he educated them so they could do 'better' for themselves.

Have you actually spoken to him about it? I’d dive off the deep end, but I’ve a gay child and there is no way I’d ever ever tolerate the sore of homophobic comments your husband makes.

What does he say when you ask him? And point out that it could push DD away if she picks up on hostility from her dad.

So how does DH react when you say "what the F are you talking about?" OP?

This was my first thought. I'd have pulled DH up on it straight away and asked him what the hell was going on. There's no point all of us speculating, you need to ask him OP.

Mostly I just get told that he “doesn’t mean any thing mean by it” and that he just thinks DD could do better. I’ve told him the comments are mean and he just replies saying he will work on it, which he never does!

Sorry OP, your DH sounds very immature here. I’d just calmly question him about it when he makes comments and see if you can get to the bottom of it…i.e. “hmm gay? Really? Why do you think it’s gay?”…at the very least it might spark some introspection for your DH, hopefully he’ll realise how silly it sounds when you think about it logically.

All the best to your DD and her fella, sounds like she’s found a needle in a haystack. I’d give her the same advice my mum gave me when I got with my DH, “for God’s sake girl, hold onto this one like your life depends on it!” 😂

Given you've already had multiple conversations with him and he's still doing it I think you need to firmer about how much his comments offend you. The lack of reasoning in his response of I don't mean anything by it would honestly give me the ick.

I’m not defending your husband in anyway but does he feel inferior perhaps to people who have been educated at private school (I know your kids have been) and perhaps have ‘family’ money, has he been in a situation where he felt out of his depth with the parents at your kids school. Unable to match their conversations etc? Does this lad who has done absolutely nothing wrong make him feel inadequate hence he’s showing this they way he is rather than talking to you about his own insecurities around people like lawyers etc.