DHs comments about DDs boyfriend are really pissing me off

[LeFosters]

DD is 24, she’s been with her new boyfriend for a year and he’s genuinely just a lovely lad, he’s successful, he clearly adores DD and I’ve never heard DD talk so positively about someone she’s with, he’s totally different to the type of guy she dated before and I think it’s for the best.

We have two family group chats, one without our kids partners which is definitely the more used one, then one with, It was made as a way to share plans if everyone was going and to wish their partners happy birthday etc. DD added her boyfriend about a month and a half ago and since then all I’ve had are the most ridiculous comments from DH.

The latest being this morning DD and her boyfriend sent some videos last night into the group chat of them doing karaoke last night, nothing weird. DH declared “god he’s a bit gay isn’t he”, he also calls him boring (the poor lad just enjoys a fun fact and plays chess), constantly states DD could do better. He’s spent the last hour mocking their karaoke song choices (which aren’t even weird).

DH was never like this with DS1 or DS2 partners or with DDs last boyfriend. We are hosting everyone at Christmas this year and I’m absolutely dreading it as I just know DH won’t be able to help himself from making unnecessary comments.

AIBU to be annoyed by this from him?

What is your DH like normally?
Obviously he is not behaving well about this, but is it just what he's like or out of character? I think that affects how you approach it.
My in-law extended family aren't perfect, but one thing I really remember them doing was behaving right from the start as if they were delighted I was around and wanted to get to know me. (I'm from the kind of family that would be polite, but much more suspicious- a sense you had to prove yourself to be accepted kind of thing). The generation below us is just starting to have relationships and I really want to take my in-laws approach rather than my own family approach. It seems much better to me.

reading Through your responses you almost seem to be rose tinted glasses about this guy! are you so gushing over your other kids partners!

your DH doesn’t have to like him and there’s something about him that makes him uncomfortable. He’s not expressing it very maturely but maybe you need to have a conversation where you allow him to explore what the issue is with no judgement.

Sometimes people just don’t click and it’s not because something is wrong with either of the people. Perhaps your DH is struggling with those feelings and knowing this chap is going to be part of his family going forward and just needs your help to accept it

Aw, he knows DD is serious this time and he's jealous. Suggest that he keeps it to himself for the time being because if she is serious those remarks may drive DD away from her Dad. Then drop the subject and blank or eyeroll all his snipy remarks.

I’d tell you’re DH he’s acting like an insecure twat and it’s weird and embarrassing that he’s so jealous of your DDs BF.
Insecure and jealous people don’t like being told they are, so I guess he’ll stop.
Asking him why is useless because he’ll never admit why he’s doing it.

Because this one is a threat. This one has potential. Because maybe he knew with previous boyfriends that he was still the main 'man' in her life, and now he faces being usurped.
Perhaps he needs the reasons for his own behaviour explained to him. And then he needs to work on overcoming his jealousy/insecurity. Otherwise, as others have said, he'll achieve the opposite of what he actually wants, and drive your DD away. She WILL pick up on his attitude, even if unspoken.

It doesn’t sound like you are really challenging him either. You just tell him he’s being mean. Ask him in what way does he think he can do better? Point out the positives of this man and also how he and DH have things in common.
If he has no real reason to say she can do better then again show him how obtuse he is being and how hurtful it is to his daughter.

I’d be having firm words! Tell him it is really embarrassing to hear him being so childish and deliberately unkind. He is abusing his position because he thinks he can get away with it.
I would tell him I am thinking about changing the Christmas plans as you are not sure you can trust him not to be a dick and you don’t want to spend Christmas apologising and cringing.
He will become that FIL who is tolerated but not liked, which is a shame for everyone.

Your daughter could 'do better' than an attractive, intelligent guy with a good job who treats her well, makes her happy and makes an effort with her family? In what way? When he says this I'd really be drilling down into what he thinks is lacking and why it's important

Sounds like he’s jealous, maybe because he can see that this BF might actually be marriage material and he’s losing his ‘little girl’

Still doesn’t excuse his behaviour, I’d be reading him the riot act before Christmas so it doesn’t ruin everyone’s day, especially your dd and her bf.

Did you specifically address the homophobic slur?

The homophobia really shouldn't be tolerated. Has that come out of nowhere or does he have a history of using "gay" as a pejorative? What will he be like if one of his grandchildren is actually gay? Or even one of his sons - not sure how old they are but this is the kind of thing that will prevent them telling you if they're gay.

The armchair diagnosis that it's rooted in insecurity is probably correct but the husband will actually have to admit and acknowledge that if he's going to resolve it.

Nail on head.

It's the intelligence thing.

Have very strong words before Christmas and if he doesn't comply - unleash.

It's pathetic.

He sounds like he is insecure around him. Men can be so irritatingly competitive. It is probably their hormones.

I've read a bit more of the thread. This would give me really bad ick towards my DH actually @LeFosters

If he isn't governing his own mouth, despite knowing the effects it could have, I would be re-thinking all of it.

People that need to put others down so they feel better about their own pathetic shortfalling selves are toxic as hell.

Reading your updates OP it does very much sound like a huge dose of insecurity / jealousy on your DH’s part. Your comments about his historic self-consciousness about what he perceives as his own lack of academic intelligence are very insightful. Clearly he’s a capable clever person if he’s run a successful trade business for years but it sounds as if DD’s boyfriend (who has presumably been to university, passed law exams, been successful so far in a competitive industry and so on) has brought all DH’s insecurities right back to the forefront of his mind again.

I always think that people who are happy and secure in themselves don’t make negative comments about others because they don’t need to. They don’t need to put someone else down in order to feel good about themselves. Your DH is putting this man down because he’s not happy and secure in himself, so needs to do make horrible comments to feel better about himself.

Add to that a dose of classic dad jealousy about a young DD properly serious about and smitten with a boyfriend and hey presto.

None of this excuses any of the comments at all, of course - the homophobic one is particularly appalling - and you are absolutely right to call him out, constantly, when he does it. But I think it sounds like DH’s own poor self esteem is the root of all this, rather than him just being horrible.

Maybe DH fancies him?

Just what I was going to say!**

Perhaps your eldest son ought to rein it in a bit as well?

Why the need to throw insults about?

“Luxio · Today 07:41

LeFosters · Today 07:36
Mostly I just get told that he “doesn’t mean any thing mean by it” and that he just thinks DD could do better. I’ve told him the comments are mean and he just replies saying he will work on it, which he never does!
Show quote history
Given you've already had multiple conversations with him and he's still doing it I think you need to firmer about how much his comments offend you. The lack of reasoning in his response of I don't mean anything by it would honestly give me the ick.”

This with bells on. He clearly does mean something by it so he’s insulting your intelligence to say otherwise. Can you be firmer and say this reflects really badly on him? If he says it’s just a joke or a bit of fun - well, it’s only a joke if everyone is laughing. It’s only fun if everyone is having fun. Otherwise it’s just bullying.

“DrinkFeckArseBrick · Today 07:50
Your daughter could 'do better' than an attractive, intelligent guy with a good job who treats her well, makes her happy and makes an effort with her family? In what way? When he says this I'd really be drilling down into what he thinks is lacking and why it's important”

This, too. With bells on.

I don't know if she has met his family yet & gets on with them, but she could be preferring to spend time with them if your husband doesn't wise up.

Shame you can't uninvite him foe Christmas.

He sounds tedious.

I think your Husband sounds like an absolute prick. I couldn't remain attracted to such an insecure bullying arsehole.

He absolutely needs to knock this on the head, or he'll lose DD. What an insecure idiot your DH is! He should be glad your DD has found a good bloke. This sniping and carping is not on.

😂

good one