DHs comments about DDs boyfriend are really pissing me off

[LeFosters]

DD is 24, she’s been with her new boyfriend for a year and he’s genuinely just a lovely lad, he’s successful, he clearly adores DD and I’ve never heard DD talk so positively about someone she’s with, he’s totally different to the type of guy she dated before and I think it’s for the best.

We have two family group chats, one without our kids partners which is definitely the more used one, then one with, It was made as a way to share plans if everyone was going and to wish their partners happy birthday etc. DD added her boyfriend about a month and a half ago and since then all I’ve had are the most ridiculous comments from DH.

The latest being this morning DD and her boyfriend sent some videos last night into the group chat of them doing karaoke last night, nothing weird. DH declared “god he’s a bit gay isn’t he”, he also calls him boring (the poor lad just enjoys a fun fact and plays chess), constantly states DD could do better. He’s spent the last hour mocking their karaoke song choices (which aren’t even weird).

DH was never like this with DS1 or DS2 partners or with DDs last boyfriend. We are hosting everyone at Christmas this year and I’m absolutely dreading it as I just know DH won’t be able to help himself from making unnecessary comments.

AIBU to be annoyed by this from him?

He sounds jealous and insecure. Not attractive qualities

I had those thoughts, I suspect my Dad and oldest brother felt like that about a boyfriend I had at uni who was a poet and did stand up comedy. My Dad and brother weren't 'blokey men' but they are sporty, both had very good jobs were intellectual and physical fitter, stronger than this boyfriend so I think it was probably defaulting to lazy ideas of what masculinity looks like but this was in the early 00s not 2025!

Honestly my first thought was to wonder if we was 'protesting too much'... Perhaps new BF is not heterosexual and your DH is aware of this...

Just wanted say that it's so refreshing to hear on Mumsnet that someone's DD has found a lovely young man. 😊

Perhaps your DH needs to hear some of the horror stories on here of the absolute arseholes - perhaps he'd pipe down if he thinks chess is the worst thing her boyfriend could be doing?!

Your DH would be getting very short shrift from me. He sounds like a nasty insecure school boy and I’d be telling him so every damn time he said anything, in my best teacher voice. He’s being a complete knob and I’d be furious with him.

Tell him everyone is thinking it makes him sound like a pervy dad who’s jealous of his daughter's boyfriend.

You need to be tougher on him. Tell him he’s being an obnoxious knob. Tell your ds to quit the ‘teasing’ as well as he’s going to end up as big a knob as his dad. I’d start getting angry, no more polite requests to stop. This behaviour would actually make me wonder who the hell it is I’m married to and that I could have done better (and tell him that!).

Remind him that a lot of the “old” men were too.

Feels like quite the reach, there is literally no reason to think this. DH has just defaulted to school boy insults (not to mention deeply homophobic insults which I don’t agree with) in the face of insecurity and probably some fear about DD actually growing up!

I agree its definitely a reach! It really was my first reaction though.

I think your DH is being an idiot and you just need to tell him straight. Re the chess, I hate to think what he’d make of my family. DH was (a million years ago) a junior chess champion and DS plays it occasionally (he’s a big rugby player!). I loathe the “it’s a bit gay” thing. The kids were told not to say that in primary school. DH spent over 20 years in the military and DS is not effeminate despite their enjoyment of chess. They would avoid karaoke though!

I’d be asking him what he means by “she could do better”. Better than someone who loves her, treats her well and has a good job?

my dd has an amazing boyfriend who loves her, treats her really well and his family have accepted her Into their home many times. What more can you ask?

Have you challenged him to actually explain why he thinks DD could do better? In what way? If he can only give vague responses to this, I think it’s highly likely your DH feels insecure because the boyfriend is clearly very intelligent, more so then him. The boyfriend sounds absolutely lovely.

He’s threatened by him and is putting him down to feel better about his own insecurities. I would tell him pretty firmly that it’s hugely unattractive and will cost him his relationship with his daughter.

Maybe you're also afraid as well as annoyed because you don't want him to sabotage what is potentially a life long in law relationship.

Your husband sounds quite unconscious in this, he may not even know why he is doing it - some part of him might be threatened by this young man who is different from him?

The thing is your husband is not your responsibility, he is a grown adult but you could gently explain to him that how you start off relationships sets the tone and it might be wise to consider that this young man could be around long term and if so, the daughter's loyalties will be with her partner, not her dad but ultimately his relationship with his daughter and her partner is on him. Let him think about that but meanwhile carry on being attentive and welcoming this new BF into the fam.

One thing that wasn't clear but it sounded as if you daughter might have added the BF to your nuclear family chat rather than the chat with in laws? If so, the partners of your sons might not be too happy about that?

Make him binge watch the Queen's Gambit and his view of chess will change 😂

A friend of my parents was really unwelcoming to his kids new partners. His wife pointed out that his DC would marry one of these partners, and how was he planning to act then? Sudden about turn? Too late?
Because if the DC had to choose between the partner and the dad the dad would be the one dropped.
I agree that your DH sound like he feels under threat. He needs to understand that he won’t always be the number one man in his daughter’s life, but he will always be her father. As long as he doesn’t driver her away first!

Start calling him out in public when he does this.

I suspect he's subconsciously feeling a bit threatened, especially as you can see the relationship is getting serious: this is the man who will "take his little girl away".

That can be hard to deal with for some parents, just like the MIL who still has her son tied to her apron strings

This.

I'd also ask DH if perhaps what he's feeling is actually fear. Is he scared that DD is going to stop loving him now that she has a lovely boyfriend. Remind him that he's irreplaceable as her father, and that there is room in her heart for a romantic partner as well as her dad and brothers. Is he scared that she'll move away with boyfriend and he's preemptively missing her? Is he scared that you have seen a "better man" and might ditch him to find one of your own?

DH sounds insecure and panicky, and is regressing to 12-year-old behaviour as a result. Give him a hug and tell him to knock it off.

What an infuriating response.

How childish.

It’s entirely possible he just doesn’t like him - but surely as an adult he’s learnt how to get along with people he doesn’t like?

Ridiculous. No wonder you’re sick of him.

I asked why he said the “he is a bit gay” comment and he said he just thought karaoke with your girlfriend is a bit of a gay thing to do?? I pointed out karaoke isn’t a sexuality indicator.
I asked why he thought DD could do better and his exact reply was “well he’s not Charles Leclerc is he?”, I pointed out that was a stupid reply and he said he didn’t know, but a guy who is that in love with his girlfriend is usually a sign the girlfriend could do better.
He’s had to go to work now but he agreed to talk about it more tonight.

If you have already had the "leave the lad alone, he's nice and DD loves him" chat, then you need to tell him it's unacceptable and he has to stop.
Tell him how hurt his DD would be if she knew, or God forbid, he says something awful in their presence. He is risking his relationship with her.

I hope your dh doesn’t do that. My son is a lovely bf to his gf but her dad is being a prick to him and my son is confused about it and not a little hurt. Enough that he no longer wants to go round there if he’s there. He loves his gf so if they stay together I will be the default grandparent because as they say, I’m a lot nicer than that twat. It’s actually horrible and could ruin the relationship (she is lovely) all because her dad is a smart arse prick for no reason to my son. Girls don’t appreciate their dads being jealous or over protective arses.

You married an idiot.

Is he under the deluded impression that your daughter will break up with her boyfriend if she thinks her daddy doesn't approve?

My aunt is an absolute nightmare of a woman, she is in her 70s but acts like a particularly vile spoilt little girl, always has done. Genuinely just horrible to everyone, all the time, for no apparent reason. Her beloved son is now in his 40s and has never found a long term partner, has had a series of broken relationships some of which have absolutely broken his heart. He's a lovely man, clever, great professional job, very tall and not bad looking. He may secretly be a twat to women but the we all think its far far more likely his girlfriends just can't stomach his mother!