AIBU for not inviting parents for Christmas Day?

[Starballoon]

We have my parents over every year. There has been the odd one for various reasons but I honestly think it’s no more than twice in over 10 years. It means over a 3 1/2 hour drive as they won’t stay over. They never help just sit there and I find it not only physically but emotionally exhausting as they can be hard work. My DH knows how difficult it is and is fine whatever I choose. It’s also the first time since both my kids don’t live at home (uni). I just want a peaceful easy Christmas Day just the 4 of us. Would it be unreasonable to ask them to come over another day over the holidays? (I don’t get much time off work).

This is absolutely batshit! You’re kinder than me OP. I wouldn’t even entertain this. Either they come for a few days, or they don’t come at all.

There are two of them so you aren't leaving anyone on their own.

Enjoy your Christmas your way, further down down the line you might not feel able to insist on any changes.

One parent (the dominant one) doesn’t like not sleeping at home. They stopped going on holiday because it was a “hassle”.

You might want to read OP's posts. She goes to get them so there's a huge reason to help right there! OP, enjoy your quiet cosy Christmas for 4 🙏

Do you feel for the other parent is that why you are feeling a bit bad about it?

I don't see why you should be so hugely inconvenienced on Christmas Day, and have to be so responsible for their idiosyncratic decisions.
In your shoes, I'd arrange to meet up with them before Xmas instead for a Christmas lunch somewhere near them or even mid way.

I mean, at this point your parents are just being unreasonable.

It sounds as if you'd be perfectly happy to have them if they would stay over. And you can still offer them that, so it's not like they have no invitation to you.

I think you're going to have to put your foot down, OP. They are welcome to come but they need to stay over for two nights, either at yours or nearby. It will hardly kill them. It's either that or you see them another time during the Christmas period.

Invite them for another day and they can get a taxi.

Yes I think this hits the nail on the head.

I personally wouldn't be too annoyed about the not helping thing. It's tricky helping out round someone else's house and they're probably genuinely exhausted if they're elderly.

However, I think its unfair to expect you to do so much driving on Christmas day. If an uber is £60 you could pay for an Uber both ways - it's expensive but probably better than the stress!!

It is hard 1 one parent is.miserable.
I think just putting it to them that they are very welcome to stay Christmas eveatoboxing day but you are not planning on driving Christmas day or see them on the 27th is the way to go, they make their choices, you are entitled to have the day with your husband and children.

I wouldn't do it and my parents wouldn't want me to.

Suggest another day at a halfway ish point that they can reach 80% via public transport. Perhaps they get a lift from your sibling to the bus stop, bus 30 mins and you pick them up from the bus stop and go to the pub for a meal.

I already voted YANBU and didn't realise in your op you meant YOU had to drive them, now I know that 1000% that's madness and you're nbu!

They should be grateful for an invitation at any time over Xmas. Or can you and your DH take food to theirs on boxing day or another day and have a few hours there, at least then you're driving is less.

Seconded. I remind myself of this regularly.

Do they enjoy being there? Maybe they would be happy staying at home and might not be as disappointed as you think if you say it’s not possible this year.

can you visit them on another day?

My sibling doesn’t drive and lives closer to me than them. But thank you x

They do but it’s always been about the kids not really me and my DH so we find it all exhausting. They have in the past said they like coming as otherwise they wouldn’t have “much of a Christmas”

It will be a lot more than that on Christmas day as prices change.

Yes I'd treble it. No-one is going to drive 90 miles for 60quid on Christmas day.

👏

You can either allow yourself to continue to be put upon, or you can stand up and say that this year you won't be driving there and back on Christmas day. You have been shown so many ways that you can have your Christmas.

It's up to you to decide to do something about it.

Thank you. I know I will not do it this year. I just wanted people’s opinions on whether I was being unreasonable so when I have that conversation I know I’m not being unreasonable so I won’t be made to feel guilty and back down. Thanks again.

Definitely not being unreasonable. I’d give them an option (if you are happy for them to stay) of being collected on Xmas Eve & returned Boxing Day. Or as you know they don’t like staying away from home, offer another day to get together - wherever that might be. If you’d prefer them not to stay, then I’d just say I couldn’t face all the driving this year & offer an alternative day to get together.

Why not bite the bullet this year? Do it now or you may never do it. Next year is a long way away. You probably won't do it then either.

Not much public transport running on Christmas day ..