AIBU for not inviting parents for Christmas Day?

[Starballoon]

We have my parents over every year. There has been the odd one for various reasons but I honestly think it’s no more than twice in over 10 years. It means over a 3 1/2 hour drive as they won’t stay over. They never help just sit there and I find it not only physically but emotionally exhausting as they can be hard work. My DH knows how difficult it is and is fine whatever I choose. It’s also the first time since both my kids don’t live at home (uni). I just want a peaceful easy Christmas Day just the 4 of us. Would it be unreasonable to ask them to come over another day over the holidays? (I don’t get much time off work).

Sorry if I’ve confused people it’s just less than 2 hours there and back x 2 so just over 3.5 hours in total.

Probably not on Christmas Day?

Good heavens of course you're not being unreasonable. Christmas should be a nice day for everyone and even if you don't drink, you should have the option. You deserve to have the Christmas day you want and you deserve to enjoy it. Your parents sound incredibly selfish.

3.5 hrs in total there and back twice , is how I read it - and it is too Iong

in fact anything back again is too long - you should be able to relax once all the cooking and jollity has been done

Why would it not happen, could they genuinely not pay this or is it that they have the money but would prefer to stay at home than spend it?

I don’t think they have that money spare to pay it.

They're lucky they have each other, they'll be perfectly fine on Christmas. That was my reasoning with my parents, until one died leaving the other alone. Niwni have my dad for obvious reasons. Send them a nice m&s hamper to enjoy. Explain that you're having a quiet Christmas as you have work commitments. Ring them on Christmas day for a quick chat! You're making it a bigger thing than it actually is.

Not unreasonable at all, and if you were my daughter I would be urging you to spend the day just the 4 of you. Your Christmas’s must have been exhausting for years if you’ve had to do that journey. Book a holiday cottage near them in January for the weekend instead and have them over then, much less stressful!

Ah right, 3.5 hours in total is of course less bad, but I still wouldn't want to do that on Christmas day. It's a big ask

What about paying for an uber home for them? You can relax and enjoy not driving at the end of the day.
Ubers are cheaper than you think

Thank you. It’s only just the last few years they haven’t driven so it was basically the old tradition of always having them over which then turned into collecting and taking them home.

Tell them that Christmas day is not possible this year but you could go up on Boxing day or the day after and take them for a nice pub lunch. It is your Christmas as well.

Organise a xmas hamper to be delivered to them a day or two before 25th so they have a nice selection and drive to see them another day.

Uber comes up as £60 so definitely cheaper.

Absolutely.

Thanks everyone. At the moment I’m leaning towards going over to see them another day.

Well, in that case they either need to come on a different day or stay over. It's too much to expect of you on Christmas Day. Nobody's fault, just one of those things.

Oh - what a shame!🤣

OP, you are an absolute saint to have done this for so long. What an absolute hassle of Christmas days you must’ve had!

I wouldn’t be doing it anymore full stop. I think I’d be saying, in future that Christmas with them is on 27th each year, at a pub/ restaurant near them. I’d go, have a meal, be sociable for a few hours and then head home!

OR, from now on, they stay or they don’t come as you’re not prepared to do all that driving anymore.

We read a lot on mn about problems at Christmas and I've always been a do what you can to see parents advocate but this is crazy. I could not ever expect our dc to ferry us about such a distance on Christmas day, 90miles each way are they mad?!

Tell them they either stay and get a taxi one way, you're happy to do one trip not both, if not you'll catch up between Christmas and New Year.

Bad knees are catching! Say you have one and therefore can’t do a long drive. Or would they expect your DH to drive?

Why don't you and hubby book a Christmas break somewhere just the 2 of you? Just because you've always done something one way each year doesn't mean you can't change.

You never know they might be glad of the excuse not to come to yours but stay at home for the day instead.

You are not responsible for them.

Not at all unreasonable. Although if they've got used to always coming to you they might need some support to think about what they'll do instead. Maybe you could go there a few days before Christmas and help them get organised with their own little Christmas lunch - a trip to M&S should sort it. Take presents so they have those to open on Chritmas Day. Are they technologicaly able? Could you agree to facetime them at a specific time?

This is why I have avoided getting into any routine with any part of the family. I think it's lovely to see them (at ours or at theirs) but I don't want any part of it to become an expectation. We've had the last 2 years with SILs and BILs. They are very much creatures of habit so we've already made our excuses for this year, just to mix it up a bit.

Probably. But I wouldn’t lie. I’m not very good at it and worry about being tangled up in one. Sometimes that makes me a bit (brutally) honest.

Be honest with them. 'Mum I would really like to relax and have a drink this Christmas and don't want the stress of having to drive nearly four hours. Either you can come and stay a couple of nights so we can all relax or we can come to you the day after boxing day and maybe have a pub lunch somewhere to save you cooking. Our treat. What would you prefer?'.