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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for not inviting parents for Christmas Day?

148 replies

Starballoon · 13/11/2025 11:52

We have my parents over every year. There has been the odd one for various reasons but I honestly think it’s no more than twice in over 10 years. It means over a 3 1/2 hour drive as they won’t stay over. They never help just sit there and I find it not only physically but emotionally exhausting as they can be hard work. My DH knows how difficult it is and is fine whatever I choose. It’s also the first time since both my kids don’t live at home (uni). I just want a peaceful easy Christmas Day just the 4 of us. Would it be unreasonable to ask them to come over another day over the holidays? (I don’t get much time off work).

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 13/11/2025 13:18

See them on Boxing Day

665theneighborofthebeast · 13/11/2025 13:20

If you made a list of the people involved in this and next to each name wrote what they ideally want and a tick or a cross if they normally get it, how many years since you got a tick ?
Eg. Ideally I would like a low cost Christmas where i dont have to decorate, but i get lots of lovely food, I would like to be waited on, give vouchers or money rather than shop for gifts, sleep in my own bed, do no work before during or cleaning up after, , spend it with lovely people, shall go on?

You get to have the same wishes if you want, I don't see why yours should be less important than anybody elses. You might have to give up a few points so that the workload is fairly shared and another if you like to give more thoughtful gifts? You might even want something different as a point in its own right.

Your parents currently completely dominate getting ticks on the list! so its only fair that there should be a bit of readjustment and this means they might have to give up having the celebration on actual Christmas day.
Even then Im really confident they would still get a lot more ticks for having things the way they like it than you would.

Then you add in your kids wishes and your husband's and you see how much your parents thumb is on the scale of fairness here.

Go see them in the quite days after boxing day. I don't see why you should feel any guilt about this at all.

Starballoon · 13/11/2025 13:25

Luna6 · 13/11/2025 13:16

Be honest with them. 'Mum I would really like to relax and have a drink this Christmas and don't want the stress of having to drive nearly four hours. Either you can come and stay a couple of nights so we can all relax or we can come to you the day after boxing day and maybe have a pub lunch somewhere to save you cooking. Our treat. What would you prefer?'.

This is the best scenario thank you 🤩

OP posts:
Deliberations · 13/11/2025 13:26

Screamingabdabz · 13/11/2025 11:54

I think you know YANBU. Don’t set yourself on fire trying to keep other people warm.

First post nailed it as is often the case. And I'm nicking that phrase! 😍
@rainbowstardrops Just tell your parents that you're doing Christmas day differently this year because the kids are at UNI and you want a quiet Xmas to spend time with t hem.. totally acceptable.

Christmas this year tags onto a weekend so perhaps you could either travel to them or have them to yours one of the days on the weekend?

TheatricalLife · 13/11/2025 13:28

I don't think you need to make excuses. Just tell the truth -the driving is too much in one day and you don't want to to do it. It's over three hours combined before and after a day of catering and entertaining, nobody reasonable would expect someone to do that. They have a number of options they can choose from, like Uber, staying over, the OP visiting them another day. You shouldn't feel guilty about it OP. If they choose not to come, send them a hamper or some treats in the post to enjoy on the day.

Starballoon · 13/11/2025 13:28

665theneighborofthebeast · 13/11/2025 13:20

If you made a list of the people involved in this and next to each name wrote what they ideally want and a tick or a cross if they normally get it, how many years since you got a tick ?
Eg. Ideally I would like a low cost Christmas where i dont have to decorate, but i get lots of lovely food, I would like to be waited on, give vouchers or money rather than shop for gifts, sleep in my own bed, do no work before during or cleaning up after, , spend it with lovely people, shall go on?

You get to have the same wishes if you want, I don't see why yours should be less important than anybody elses. You might have to give up a few points so that the workload is fairly shared and another if you like to give more thoughtful gifts? You might even want something different as a point in its own right.

Your parents currently completely dominate getting ticks on the list! so its only fair that there should be a bit of readjustment and this means they might have to give up having the celebration on actual Christmas day.
Even then Im really confident they would still get a lot more ticks for having things the way they like it than you would.

Then you add in your kids wishes and your husband's and you see how much your parents thumb is on the scale of fairness here.

Go see them in the quite days after boxing day. I don't see why you should feel any guilt about this at all.

Edited

Thank you. Yes I’ve always been about family and I guess I feel indebted to my parents and guilty if I don’t include them every Christmas whether that’s me or them (probably a bit of both). It’s not fair that my sibling hasn’t done anything ever and the burden of my parents falls on me but that’s another post entirely.

OP posts:
Sunshineismyfavourite · 13/11/2025 13:31

Starballoon · 13/11/2025 13:25

This is the best scenario thank you 🤩

Absolutely - this post has nailed it.

Stand firm OP and enjoy a lovely relaxing Christmas Day at home with no driving!

Bloodyscarymary · 13/11/2025 13:32

I am floored that you drop them back on Christmas Day! I guess you don’t enjoy alcohol? Otherwise the sacrifice of no bubbles with Christmas lunch seems rather extreme.

I think rather than not invite them, just say that you’re unable to do the collecting or dropping off anymore on Christmas Day so they can come if they pay for a taxi? Or if they are willing to stay 2 nights you can collect Xmas eve and drop off Boxing Day.

As you say, they won’t want to do either of these things so you get what you want without offending them or living with the guilt of de-inviting them.

Gloriia · 13/11/2025 13:33

Are you close with them op or do they dominate you a bit? Is it your idea or theirs to be driving miles on Christmas day I just can't imagine anyone ever thinking this is a workable plan. Are they elderly? Surely they find all the trekking about exhausting. Maybe they'll be relieved when you say you can't do it.

Oilofeveningprimrose · 13/11/2025 13:34

Starballoon · 13/11/2025 13:25

This is the best scenario thank you 🤩

A taxi/Uber will be cheaper than a pub lunch though...
I would definitely still be giving them the option to stay over

rainbowstardrops · 13/11/2025 13:35

Deliberations · 13/11/2025 13:26

First post nailed it as is often the case. And I'm nicking that phrase! 😍
@rainbowstardrops Just tell your parents that you're doing Christmas day differently this year because the kids are at UNI and you want a quiet Xmas to spend time with t hem.. totally acceptable.

Christmas this year tags onto a weekend so perhaps you could either travel to them or have them to yours one of the days on the weekend?

I think you might have tagged me by mistake.
Sadly, both of my parents have died so I don’t have this dilemma. They lived near me anyway and I’d always see them at Christmas (and most days!) Miss them so much 😔

Bloodyscarymary · 13/11/2025 13:36

Oilofeveningprimrose · 13/11/2025 13:34

A taxi/Uber will be cheaper than a pub lunch though...
I would definitely still be giving them the option to stay over

Yes and a pub lunch near them still means OP has to drive 3.5 hours in a day, it’s just moved to Boxing Day instead. I think just push for the uber or sleepover.

Purplecatshopaholic · 13/11/2025 13:36

It’s really pretty easy. You say, this year we just want to be just us/im not up to it/we’ll see you another day, etc. Pick one and rinse and repeat. You are running yourself ragged and spoiling a potentially relaxing time doing this when you have little time off, and you have done this every year! It’s up to you..

Astrabees · 13/11/2025 13:38

Please don't feel guilty, there are two of them, they can have a perfectly lovely Christmas at home together, and might find they actually prefer it. I always host at least part of our family at Christmas but if one year it turned out to be just me and DH then I wouldn't be happy about it.

Starballoon · 13/11/2025 13:39

Bloodyscarymary · 13/11/2025 13:36

Yes and a pub lunch near them still means OP has to drive 3.5 hours in a day, it’s just moved to Boxing Day instead. I think just push for the uber or sleepover.

If we went to them the it would only be one way so would be 50 mins there and 50 back at the end of the day Probably not for the pub meal as we would have to pay for it as we do every time we go out for a meal. But we would be happy with whatever food. Doesn’t have to be a big roast. A cold buffet would be absolutely fine.

OP posts:
ilovepixie · 13/11/2025 13:43

MrsMuffinCakes · 13/11/2025 11:59

They’re perfectly able to catch a bus/plane/train.

Where I live there’s no public transport on Christmas Day.

Ponderingwindow · 13/11/2025 13:45

Starballoon · 13/11/2025 12:59

Uber comes up as £60 so definitely cheaper.

I would expect surge pricing on Christmas to drive that price up.

Starballoon · 13/11/2025 13:45

Gloriia · 13/11/2025 13:33

Are you close with them op or do they dominate you a bit? Is it your idea or theirs to be driving miles on Christmas day I just can't imagine anyone ever thinking this is a workable plan. Are they elderly? Surely they find all the trekking about exhausting. Maybe they'll be relieved when you say you can't do it.

Edited

Not sure really. The responsibility of looking after them has fallen to me rather than my sibling. My parents do baby my sibling (despite me being the younger). I think because I have children I’m deemed the adult one. They are elderly but have told me they prefer to come rather than being at home by themselves. Originally we had both sets of parents round Christmas Day but they would all travel here themselves. We always have given the option to them all of staying over if they wanted to. My parents rarely did stay over. Then when they couldn’t drive it was my idea to collect and they stayed. At the time they said it wasn’t fair for me to do all that driving in one day. Then they didn’t like staying even if one night so from there it’s evolved to me dropping off as well.

OP posts:
Empress13 · 13/11/2025 13:47

so whoever collects them and drives them home cannot have a few drinks just because they won’t stay over ? No that’s not fair they need to meet you half way YANBU with bells on

Notagain75 · 13/11/2025 13:49

MrsMuffinCakes · 13/11/2025 11:59

They’re perfectly able to catch a bus/plane/train.

Not on Christmas day!
But OP you are not being unreasonable to want to have Christmas to yourselves.
And it is too much for them to expect you to pick them up and take them home on the same day!
Can you offer instead to go and visit them another day over the holidays and then stay the night at a nearby hotel ?

Ponderingwindow · 13/11/2025 13:49

I would just take you and the kids to them on another day. It’s less driving and less work overall.

we are changing things up this year as well and hosting a meal out for the family. It took a bit of strong-arming to get the change to happen, but it was necessary given the changing circumstances of the extended family.

SoftBalletShoes · 13/11/2025 13:54

Starballoon · 13/11/2025 11:58

They can’t due to both not driving through disabilities. It just makes it a bloody long day and the last thing you want at the end of Christmas Day is to get in the car for an 90 mile drive.

Maybe their disabilities are the reason they don't help? Perhaps they see it as a day off from managing.

On the one hand, they are your disabled parents. On the other, that is a long drive on Christmas Day. I see your dilemma.

I wonder if they might even see it as a relief not to sit in the car that long for one day? Also, you could send them a bunch of Christmas food to make up for it. I found the Marks dinner in a box to be great when I was looking after an elderly sick parent.

Good luck with your decision!

SoftBalletShoes · 13/11/2025 14:01

Oh - I see that you've said they do like coming to you for Christmas even though they have to sit in the car for a long time.

Wondering if there's a Travelodge or something a lot nearer to you than their home is?

AgentPidge · 13/11/2025 14:02

Wishimaywishimight · 13/11/2025 12:15

Ah sorry, I see you have to do the driving! I would absolutelyjust say you are exhausted and not up to spending half the day driving!

Could you suddenly have a bad back that precludes long drives?

Does her DH suddenly get a bad back too?

No need to lie.

"Sorry, we're going to have a quiet Christmas this year, just the four of us." Then arrange a date to meet up soon.

MadinMarch · 13/11/2025 14:04

Starballoon · 13/11/2025 12:13

It’s me that does the driving not them.

Keeping with the Christmas theme, you deserve a stinking great light emitting Halo!
That amount of driving on Xmas day is not acceptable.
Why won't they stay over? Is it to do with their disabilities, and would staying in a local bnb be an option?